The snow is almost gone. Things are thawing, melting, flooding, growing. Mud is the medium for Earth's expression. Mud and vines and the waking green. This past Monday I celebrated Ostara with a few friends. I started my period too, which, is kind of right on the money for Ostara. During the evening we talked about things here and there and in the end we drew Rune eggs from a cauldron. The Rune suggested things we have to look forward to/work on/focus on for the following year. My rune was Ansuz. This rune means Odin or god. It is the 'A' in our modern alphabet and how fitting because I have no less than eight letter A's in my full name. Three in my first name alone.
A friend interpreted and divined for me that maybe this is the year to really form a connection with a god or goddess. While I'm very drawn to many deities, I have yet to feel one really claim me and become my patron. Maybe that's just not in the cards for me, but at the same time, I feel I really do want that relationship. I've thought about Thor, Freya, Skadi, Elen of the Ways, Herne, Innana, and several others as potential patrons but I don't know that I've really made myself available to them. I know that I am too in my head most of the time for even the smallest of meditations so really listening to the gods and to the wights and to the fairies and to everything around me is never easy.
I am always looking to the fallen angel and watcher: Penemue. Enochian lore is very interesting to me from a spiritual and literary standpoint. About ten years ago I played around with a novel about a little fallen angel named Dobiel but didn't get very far. I wouldn't mind revisiting the idea but I would like to learn a lot more about the fallen angles before I do.
Lately I've felt a huge pull toward 'darker' entities and deities. Sometime in summer I'm going to, with the help of a few friends, perform a ritual to honor the scary, misunderstood, dark, and commonly considered 'evil' of our spiritual brethren. Some of those I want to include are: Lilith, Lucifer, Loki, and Princess Luna. Yes, L was a very intense theme here. But there are more gods and goddesses and creatures that fit this category and I'm open to expanding it or even adding a second part. I know I want to keep the feeling of this ritual light and inquisitive and educational. This is a ritual to explore the necessary and positive aspects these beings represent, not to emulate their less admirable acts.
In other news, the Hannah is doing amazing. She still has really bad days but more often than not she is finding solace and healing in her writing and I'm very proud of her. Right now we're working on building up strength in both of us. I'm walking to the bus stop again (and bitching about it because damn am I out of shape!); and she's going to start going to the mail box and walking me to the property line of the apartment complex when I leave in the morning, We're hoping that we'll both feel able enough to go and see the big cats at Cattails, which is a big cat rescue reserve in northern Spokane.
On the subject of gods, perhaps what you need to do is sit and talk to the universe at large, send out a general call letting any and all gods or beings know that you are interested in establishing and building a relationship with them. I think you will either get a good sign from one like I did in the case of Freyja, or it might feel more like a pull. It may not even be one, it may be several. Just an idea.
ReplyDeleteIf you can wake me up, I'll walk you to the property line, lol.
I really want you to start writing too. Now that we have the company out of the house, for the time being, I want to establish blocks of writing. We need to finish the writing course vids on scifi and fantasy by Brandon Sanderson. We both also need to take some time to read. I believe if we just do it, it will get done.
I would like to take a sort of day or two 'quest' just to meditate and set aside time - I would love to get a knock on the door from someone like you did with Freya. The thing is I'm super excited about learning so it's difficult to determine whether I'm just naturally curious or really pulled lol. That's why I want to really have some time for it.
DeleteI started thinking about picking up that Fallen Angel story I'd started years ago. I recall showing you the first chapter of the fall, how it was written in archaic biblical language. I gotta try. Zack (Zolf) and Gabe are interesting enough for other people I think.
ReplyDeleteI sometimes wish I still had access to the gods and goddesses but I gave up the pagan path. The short explanation is the nervous breakdown I had in the wake of death.
I hung out with the Mormons again for awhile but I think I'm tired of religion and faith. I don't even trust Jesus anymore. "He who loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me. He who loves brother or sister more than me is not worthy of me?"
Fuck.You.
To that I say, "You asked me to enter but then you made me crawl, and I can't be holding on to what you got when all you got is hurt." --- U2
Some days I miss Loki and playing Yahtzee with him.
I'm still frightened of Odin or whoever was masquerading as him.
Word to the Wise: don't ever cross Odin, no matter how mean he does something to you. You will pay through the teeth and it will only tickle Loki to death. Bro's before ho's all the goddamn way.
I probably need to write about it more. It's like so much poison in my system.
For now I'll suffice with the Holy Trinity of Hawking O'Neal and Nye. My faith is shot for me.
And that's the story of how Christine became an atheist! Lol. Nah. I don't know who or what I am anymore. Just a book with a few blank pages left.
Oh wow i didn't realize that you had had such a bad experience. :( I don't even know what to say. *hugs* On the subject of your story with angels and the fall and the boys - yeah you definitely need to write that! As I said in my post I'm terribly fond of fallen angels and their struggles.
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