Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Last Three Days and the End of August Break

DAY 29
Favorite Mug - I have lots of favorites actually, but nothing really beats this bad-ass unicorn.

Fiona did my drawing again this time using the Bohemian Animal Tarot. She drew The Suspended Man/The Hanged Man. This card is all about different perspective and sacrifice. For me it made a great deal of sense, since that day Hannah and I began dealing out the Halloween decorations around the house and bringing a different perspective into our home.

DAY 30
Evening Light: Yesterday Hannah and I sat and snuggled by the purple lights of this little tree. I didn't get a shot of it all lit up, but this is how I spend my time of 'evening lights' yesterday.

Fiona drew for me again and used and Cosmo (the giant kitty) helped. My card was the Six of Swords from the Tarot of a Moon Garden. It means: "A trip or journey. Headstrong attmepts to overcome difficulties. Expedient manner. Success after anxiety." I could surely have used some success after anxiety yesterday and even into today. I think for this card it speaks of my frustrations with my current career path and how I want things to happen now, now, now! I'm stuck in anxiety about a lot of things lately and perhaps I'm stuck there because I'm being headstrong and resistant to the answers (perhaps because the answers aren't the ones I wanted to hear.) 

DAY 31
I went for a walk during lunch today. I visited the Looff Carousel at Riverfront Park. And that's where I took my final shots of August Break. August was..... a carousel.

Going up and down, with intense highs and lows.

Strangely mesmerizing music, the kind you can ignore during the day but you'll hear in your heard all night long.

August was a tiger that kicked my ass.

August was a blur!

August was a time for divination.

August was fortune friendly and full of mystery.

I walked by this opened door on Riverside today. I've never seen this door open before... it smelled like my Grandmother's basement.

But most of all: August was construction... on myself spiritually... on my work... on friendships... on goals... on everything.

Today's final Tarot of the Day draw. (That sounds so creepy - I'll probably still do Tarot posts, but I was thinking of doing weekly readings instead of daily draws, at least for the blog anyway.) I used the Halloween Oracle since it seemed to fit the theme of endings and beginnings. I drew the Skull of Flowers which talks of flourishing in times of adversity. This is perfect. It is the quintessial card for my life right now. I just spent a lovely day at work feeling confident and content and half-way figuring that things were on the right track for me, and then at the end of the day I got a horrid call from a man who pushed me to my limits. I didn't handle the call as professionally as I should have and I'm embarrassed about it. The embarrassment opened up the door to all of my insecurities lately and my frustrations and I understand now that I'm about to burn up and that's okay because we rise stronger from the ashes. There are trees that only produce seeds when they've been in a forest fire. How's that for the necessity of destruction. I might just need to submit to the fire for a while and hold onto the truth that I'll flourish greater from adversity than from contentment. And with that, I say good bye to August Break and Daily Tarot. Tomorrow is September 1st. Now is the time for new plans. The second Harvest is right around the corner and I want to be ready for it. 

Monday, August 29, 2016

Posting for three days of Tarot and August Break

I did actually keep up with the Tarot draws and the August Break during my three day weekend. I just didn't have the time or the energy to post much. So here goes:

Day 26: Oranges (I chose to go the literal route)

I put some oranges outside around my cute baby Blue Spruce. This was while I was at my mother's house making decorations for Hannah's cake. 

Day 26: Queen of Wands

I used the Mini Mucha Tarot Deck that my friend, Twin B, brought up with her for the weekend. This card relates to a fierce relationship with a mature and honest woman. I have many beautiful mature, honest women in my life but I think this day the card may have been reminding me to keep a good relationship with myself. I had a bit of a breakdown earlier that day and felt rather worthless and pathetic. So for the rest of that day I focused on being nicer to myself. 

Day 27: Little (little doodles in my past student planners, little doodles that make Hannah question her decision to marry me)

Day 27: The Hermit

"Ahead of us lies an open stage, a landscape of uncharted territory. This unknown opened land is inhabited by the hermit, who is here to seek enlightenment. It is important for each of us to experience silence and listen to our inner voices. The Phantasmagoric Theatre has closed and we must learn to make use of this valuable time to grow. The hermit transport us to a new landmark, allowing us to look more deeply within ourselves. A time of meditation is upon us. The hermit is a contemplative person.  He travels upon a historical stone and faces the past to better understand the future. The hermit represents a time for self inquiry."
Fiona did this reading for me via the telephone yesterday. She drew the Hermit from the Phantasmagoric Theatre Tarot. A nice change from wands and pentacles. This figure in the Major Arcana relates to us Virgos (hence the Astrological symbol on the Hermit's floating zen mat) and calls us to the alone-ness within. I had had a very hard day the day before and did find it necessary to do some introspection. 

Day 28: I am... (to finish the statement: I am David Bowie. Finally my shrine is complete sans a few quotes and a couple more pictures I'm still planning to add.) P.S. These pics were taken with a friends camera which is why they look somewhat decent and aren't made of suck.

Day 28: Page of Swords

I drew this card from the Cachet Tarot at a friend's apartment today. The Page of Swords represents an invitation to something. He is standing ready to accompany me to clarity and understanding. But this card also means that to gain clarity, I may have to go through a period of trials and tests. So part of this card is deciding how I want it to go down. I'm ready to go on this journey and the open window in the card speaks of opportunity and transparency and honesty, but when it comes down to it, do I really have the courage to use that sword in order to find what I'm looking for? However, I know I won't be alone. I need to trust my friends and family to support me when I make my move.

Sunday, August 28, 2016

"I'm engaged to a Serial Killer" or "Cleaning Day with Amanda"

When I was in high school we had yearly student planners and while I did use them as planners I also used them as diaries/doodle pads/swear word generators/incriminating evidence lockers. By this I mean I filled my student planners with things that expressed my really exacerbated teenage angst. To add to the gore (both written and drawn) I was going through a marvelous serial killer phase at the time. My choice books were the A-Z serial killer reference books as well as detailed accounts of Jeffrey Dahmer and John Wayne Gacy. So of course my quotes and doodles were almost always grotesque. 

Tonight, while cleaning out the Bowie room (our library/spare bedroom) I decided it was time to get rid of these old student planners that I've been carting around with me all this time. But first I needed to flip through them to see who I was and reflect on who I've become. With Hannah beside me I thumbed through my high school year. All the calendar days were marked off so violently that the exes and scribbles left indents in about five of the following pages. At the beginning of each mother there was a doodle depicting something being eaten, vivisected, or exuding some sort of mucous. I drew guillotines and warped mermaid-centaurs, I wrote sonnets of nothing but four letter words worthy of a Quentin Tarantino film, I stuck several pages together with gum chewed by my classmates, and used red pen to make almost everything bleed.

As I went through these planners, marveling and giggling at how "fucked up" I was, Hannah's expression turned from concern to actual unease. She looked a bit shaken. "You're a fucking serial killer," she said and I assured her I wasn't. I told that these journals were from a time when I was dealing with teenage drama and suffering from a lack of proper medication. "But look how far I've come from that time," I told her. "Not that far," was her response. In my desperation to prove to her that I wasn't really that bad back then, I picked up a notebook from late high school/early college and scanned the fading pencil marks. "Hmm, let's see," I said and then, "Oh! That's right, these are the notes for my serial killer screenplay." At this point Hannah fled the room. 

I cornered her in the bedroom. "Hannah, you're still going to marry me though, right?" Because that's not a creepy thing to say to a woman who thinks you're a psychopath. "Amanda," she said, "I'm not sure I even want to sleep in the same bed as you!" Me: "But I swear I've never killed anyone!" Hannah: "Yet!" The moral of this story, wait the full ten years before you show your mate how truly fucked up you are; nine years is still too soon. 

I'm happy report we're sleeping in the same bed. The old student planners are gone now (or at least in the trash waiting removal) but I figure the trauma they've caused will last for a long time. Chaos, panic, and suspicion that one's mate might be a serial killer.... my work here is done. Excuse me as I giggle myself to sleep.   

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Peaceful Empress and Tending both Mothers

August Break's prompt was peaceful. I wanted to take a picture of myself meditating but my arms aren't long enough to zen out and take a selfie at the same time. So instead I snapped some shots of things around me that made me feel peaceful. 

A peaceful bowl of chicken and dumpling soup at Next Door Espresso for lunch.

A peaceful moment with today's tarot deck.

A peaceful walk back to my work after my peaceful lunch. I love the curve of the building, makes this shot look much more intense than it really is.

Rarity's cutie mark, a pleasant and peaceful reminder of generosity. It was made by a local vendor called Skullflake Studios.

And a couple of peaceful microcosms in my boss's office.

My tarot deck today was the Witches Tarot by Ellen Dugan.  I drew from the Major Arcana today! It was the Empress. This card traditionally means being motherly affection, generosity, and fertility (physically, sexually, creatively). I was curious about what this card meant for me today. I thought, well, sure I need to 'birth' my creative ideas into words and novels, but the image of the mother was very striking and spoke to me above the creative fertility. 

I understand it now: on my way home from work I called my mother and asked if Hannah and I could come over tonight so that she and I could make a cake together tomorrow and so that Dad and I could watch a movie together. I called her and I understood right away that it was my turn to be generous and motherly. She confessed how hard up they are right now and how they had to go to the food bank the other day. Mother told me that she cried after going. All she wanted, she told me, was something fresh. And they don't get their money until much, much later. 

Tonight I'm bringing my Mommy and Daddy fresh cherry tomatoes from my garden, as well as my large lemon boy tomato. I'm also bringing them some kiwi, bananas, a few oranges, and bagels. Also, because she asked so cutely if I had any ice cream, I am bringing the left over vanilla from the soda floats that I made on for the Sturgeon Moon Esbat. We'll doctor up the ice cream with some frozen fruit and chocolate syrup. It won't feel as much like a food bank week if we eat a banana split or two I surmise. It feel good to tend to mom and to help her out a bit. 

My parents are amazing people and do their best to help me out whenever I need a little money or food or company and I'm happy to return the favor. And there's something especially nice about bringing them food from my garden, from Mother Earth. The first thing I did when I got home today was go out and chop away the dying vines off the pumpkin. I trimmed down the bachelor buttons and the forget-me-nots (both are all done with their blooming at this point) and watered all the green babies. Today I am the Empress. I'm a generous motherly woman tending to both my mothers.