Thoughts of Hannah

This Sunday is our anniversary.  Six years ago, a shy girl in Kansas prodded gently over instant messenger, "hey, so... you've been with girls haven't you?'  (I'm paraphrasing, of course) To which I replied that I had kissed and fondled girls but had never had sex with one... or anyone *cough cough* but I was sure to tell her, too, that I had crushed just as hard on girls as I had on guys.  Well, this shy, curious thing went on to post a blog entry entitled "The Crush" and I wish, for the life of me, that I had a copy of this hanging around somewhere because it was so deliciously angsty and filled with all the woe of a teenager recluse in love with a jock.  It was adorable.  I remember thinking at the time, hoping, that it was about me.  It was.  And then she finally confessed.  I remember the scene well: I was chatting with her over the computer while working a twenty-four hour live-in home healthcare job.  During short breaks, I would chat and write a little.  I had a few constant messenger buddies, Hannah being one of them.  She told me that she really, really liked me and then, of course, I had to run off to take care of my duties.  I could just imagine her face all red and hot as she typed those things.  A few years prior, I met Hannah face to face and found her sweet and interesting.  Her impression of me was quite different.  By the time I left, she had already told her mother that she thought she was in love.

So, a few years later, she very slowly, very cautiously, begins to probe out my feelings.  She asks if we want to try dating, she tells me how much she weighs, she tells me all her bad habits, she goes on and on in disclosures and I assure her that none of those things matter because I like her, too.  I've only ever had one other person actually want to date me and I shut him down faster than a restaurant with roaches.  But apparently beggars (single people) can't be choosers (shouldn't ever say no to anyone who could possibly want to get in their pants).  Basically when you are an undated girl in high school and someone shows interest and you turn them down... people start to say 'you brought your loneliness on yourself' and let me tell you, that doesn't feel good.  It didn't matter that the guy scared me, creeped me out, gave me all the bad vibes that thousands of years of human evolution tell us to pay attention to.  Fast forward from high school to about six years ago.  There I was, the beggar, faced with someone saying they wanted me, but this time I didn't feel all creepy crawly.  I was flattered and excited.  I found her attractive (she loves to do her hair and make up) and smart.  She really is smart.  She doesn't think she is, but I enjoy talking to her about pretty much anything and if we come across something she doesn't understand or hasn't heard of, she is always eager to learn.  Especially words.  She loves learning new words and adding them to her arsenal of vocabulary.

Last year's Anniversary.  My mother made
that cake for us.  It was fantastic!

In the end, after calling and conferencing with a couple of my good friends, I decided that I definitely would try dating.  Hannah and I talked about a lot of things that first day.  Talked about BDSM and decided we would see about trying some of it together, talked about sexual histories (mine was very short... almost nonexistent *cough*), and then we set a date.  October 13th.  We had a phone date that night and decided that would be the start of our relationship because already we were hoping that this would evolve into something that would span years.

It hasn't always been easy.  While we got along well as friends right from the start, there was a definite disconnect as far as our expectations for how the relationship would go. This was my first relationship ever and her first ever with a girl.  It was strange.  But in a weird (totally not incestuous way) it was kind of like getting a sister.  We share everything.  I remember the day that we mixed our CDs together in the same book.  It was kind of startling to me.  I've always been very OCD about my CDs and the fact that CD appears in the acronym OCD makes me very happy right now.  I digress.  *ahem* So to mix up the CDs like that was like finally admitting that I was no longer a 'me' but a 'we.'  The nice thing in all of this has been that my friends and family (aside from a few here and there) and her friends and family (aside from a few) were extremely supportive and nonjudgmental about us getting together.  Some of the hesitant ones came around and some didn't.  Neither Hannah nor I are lesbian.  We just happen to be two girls in a relationship that qualifies as lesbian.  Some people have a hard time grasping this.  I like dick.  So does Hannah.  In fact, I would say that we are both more comfortable with male genitalia than with female, but that isn't why we're together.  I would say it's complicated (and really what 'love' isn't?) but the reason itself is very simple: a shy girl from Kansas said, 'I like you,' and I said, 'I like you, too.'  The rest is six years of history.

We smeared cake on each other.  It was green.  Looked like we had booger problems.