Daily Oracle and a Small Snippet of Anniversary

10/9 - Mummy/Change: The sand in his mouth, the bandages wound. Jealous of the living, eternal life bound. Like the Tower card in Tarot only slow and gradual. Change for the positive.

10/10 - Skull of Flowers/Creating through the ashes (3rd time drawn): To blossom and bloom, the work must be done. Through fire and ashes, our fortune it comes. Phoenix energy. Rising stronger from the ashes. 

10/11 - Zombie/Control: The dead arise, voices a-mumbling. After our brains, our screams they are tumbling. Being smart about control, making sure you have autonomy, easing up on the reins when necessary.

10/12 - Joy/Rejoicing in the present: I stand here, I am what I am. Fully alive and present. Stress is a sham. Living in the moment and embracing what each moment has to offer. 

10/13 - Vampire/Emotional intelligence: The deepest, the coldest, the craving of the blood. The hole never filled, the longing like a flood. Ancient empathy, protecting yourself against emotional drains.

Today was our anniversary. It's been a year since I became the legal thrall of my vampire wife. We went with our friends to Scarywood and enjoyed such delights as Pharoah's Tomb and Blood Bayou. I also did Total Darkness and 3-Dimentia and wondered around Clown Town and Spider Alley until my toes were quite cold and tired. I rode the log ride twice (even convinced my besty to ride it with me once, much to her horror and chagrin). Overall it was a good time though I do think I might opt for a Thursday next year so that I can ride the rollercoasters without waiting in long lines. Also I want to try and do some serious Zumba this year so that next time we go to Scarywood I can ride all the rides. Even the ones that I will regret, hehehe. 

10/14 - Skull of Stars/Infinite possibilities (2nd time drawn): Why think so small when galaxies spin within? Realize that you are made of the stuff of stars and infinite possibilities begin. Don't limit yourself. Work toward your goals believing they are possible. 

10/15 - Invisibility/Authenticity (3rd time drawn): Heart beating, we sense but do not see. They touch, we chill, they come unseen. Authentication of the self. Transparency of truth. 

10/16 - Mummy/Change (2nd time drawn): The sand in his mouth, the bandages wound. Jealous of the living, eternal life bound. Because one good mummy deserves another. More premonitions of change. Still positive though!

Wed

This is going to be a quick post and not really do any justice to the event but I felt it was important to at least do a short update.

Wedding happened on Friday the 13th as planned. That was about all that went as planned. And that's okay. Ir rained hardcore all day until it a couple of hours before set up. It was super cold all evening (beautiful and brisk) but super cold. My wedding team were great and got everything put together while I had a slight meltdown. I hadn't done make up or nails and felt a bit like everyone was prettier/more made up than I was and I felt awful about it. I gave up on my antlers and had B wear them. They looked adorable on her though. So I opted for a top hat which was kind of cute because it meant I matched my dad.

There were several technical difficulties, the least of which being a crazy bride hiding in the bathroom trying to get some make up done. It finally took shape though and it was really lovely there in the midst of darkness and wrapped in a loving circle of protection. Hannah and I bawled during vows because... that's what we do. I loved the exchange with the elements. It was a unique wedding. One of a kind. That much I know for certain. And that makes me really happy. The woman who lead the IEPG when it was still going came up to me and asked if I could send her the ceremony. I had said sure at the time but the more I think about it... this ceremony was my gift to Hannah and it was tailored to 'two women' and specifically 'women writers' and so it would not feel very organic being used for anyone else's wedding. I think in the end I will send over a script sans all of my additions. We'll see.

Anyway. The wedding happened and then we ate food. We didn't get to dancing or anything like that but I figure we'll just keep the playlist and use it for mood music during the honeymoon.

Next big adventure is to get ready to buy a house. And a projector. I plan on having lots of parties and lots of movie nights. I can't wait to share my hearth and home with those I love.

Seventh Anniversary is for the Bats

I had to work on our anniversary this year so the celebrations began in the evening.  But the prep began that morning.  I wore a pretty, lacy black dress to work and wowed the girls.  Then, during my lunch break, I put on some eyeliner and mascara to give Hannah an extra surprise when I picked her up later.  So after work I zipped off to find some flowers and treat my honey.  But finding flowers was a bit more difficult than I had expected.  

First I went to Super One but their assortment was very limited and what they did have was wilted, browning, and over priced.  So I went to Trading Co.  They had some really cute bouquets with a breast cancer awareness theme.  Hannah's favorite aunt in the world passed away from breast cancer back when Hannah was in high school, so I felt a bouquet to support the race for the cure would be very well received.  But I had to pay for it and get out of there and that was proving to be a challenge.  The woman in front of me was very frazzled.  She was buying one pack of instant cheesecake mix and used the remainder of her EBT and had to supplement with a roll of pennies and some other change.  She was short about fifty cents.  There was a little muttering between her and the cashier, mainly 'Oh, I'm sorry, I don't think I have enough' and 'it's okay.'  So I asked how much she needed.  I happened to have cash but if I hadn't I would have just put it on my card for her to give her a break.  I handed her a buck and she was so thankful.  The thing is, I know how that feels, to stand in line and be just barely short.  And what she was buying was so specific I couldn't help but figure she had company or some kind of special thing going on that evening.  I've been helped by strangers before and it made me happy to return a small portion of that kindness.

After I got the flowers and bolted to pick up my date, we headed for the dinner at Azteca which, oh so conveniently, is located directly next door to the theatre.  I have a southwest chimichanga and Hannah had a tamale and enchilada plate.  All the food was wonderful and our server was just terrific.  Lately, when Hannah and I go out, I like to sit on the same side of the booth as her, or next to her rather than across from her at a table.  It makes me feel closer to her and a bit more conspiratorial like we're plotting something - and that is always a good feeling to have with one's mate!  So we sat together at the booth however, we planned it all wrong and sat with my right arm and her left arm doing battle all night for superiority.  We need to remember for next time to put our non dominants together instead our dominants, but you live and learn.  

The best part about Azteca however wasn't the food or even the really sweet server, it was the Halloween decorations all over the place!  They had fake webs in the archways and a humongous nylon pumpkin in the entryway and, handing from the wall decor over each booth, they had big fake bats upside down watching with red eager eyes.  They were adorable!  And it was kind of perfect and put us totally in the mood for the movie we were about to see: Dracula Untold.  The cost to see a movie these days is ridiculous but I would say this one was kind of worth it.  The graphics and music and overall sound were amazing and that's not mentioning the excellent performances by the leads.  (I can't get enough of Luke Evans with fangs, he's just sooooo cute!)  And to top it off, the movie used an age-old vampire trope (a vampire dematerializes into a swarm of bats only to rematerialize later as himself again) and make it fucking cool!  They did it so right.  Everything in the movie was spot on as far as I'm concerned.  

And of course, after all the excitement of yummy dinner and yummy vampires, we had some fun in the bedroom.  I didn't need it - I was pretty sated from the evening - but it was really cute how into it Hannah was.  I had to hush her a few times (and she had to hush me as well) - someday, when we have our own place, the hushing will only be for erotic effect.  I can't wait for that day.  

Thoughts of Hannah

This Sunday is our anniversary.  Six years ago, a shy girl in Kansas prodded gently over instant messenger, "hey, so... you've been with girls haven't you?'  (I'm paraphrasing, of course) To which I replied that I had kissed and fondled girls but had never had sex with one... or anyone *cough cough* but I was sure to tell her, too, that I had crushed just as hard on girls as I had on guys.  Well, this shy, curious thing went on to post a blog entry entitled "The Crush" and I wish, for the life of me, that I had a copy of this hanging around somewhere because it was so deliciously angsty and filled with all the woe of a teenager recluse in love with a jock.  It was adorable.  I remember thinking at the time, hoping, that it was about me.  It was.  And then she finally confessed.  I remember the scene well: I was chatting with her over the computer while working a twenty-four hour live-in home healthcare job.  During short breaks, I would chat and write a little.  I had a few constant messenger buddies, Hannah being one of them.  She told me that she really, really liked me and then, of course, I had to run off to take care of my duties.  I could just imagine her face all red and hot as she typed those things.  A few years prior, I met Hannah face to face and found her sweet and interesting.  Her impression of me was quite different.  By the time I left, she had already told her mother that she thought she was in love.

So, a few years later, she very slowly, very cautiously, begins to probe out my feelings.  She asks if we want to try dating, she tells me how much she weighs, she tells me all her bad habits, she goes on and on in disclosures and I assure her that none of those things matter because I like her, too.  I've only ever had one other person actually want to date me and I shut him down faster than a restaurant with roaches.  But apparently beggars (single people) can't be choosers (shouldn't ever say no to anyone who could possibly want to get in their pants).  Basically when you are an undated girl in high school and someone shows interest and you turn them down... people start to say 'you brought your loneliness on yourself' and let me tell you, that doesn't feel good.  It didn't matter that the guy scared me, creeped me out, gave me all the bad vibes that thousands of years of human evolution tell us to pay attention to.  Fast forward from high school to about six years ago.  There I was, the beggar, faced with someone saying they wanted me, but this time I didn't feel all creepy crawly.  I was flattered and excited.  I found her attractive (she loves to do her hair and make up) and smart.  She really is smart.  She doesn't think she is, but I enjoy talking to her about pretty much anything and if we come across something she doesn't understand or hasn't heard of, she is always eager to learn.  Especially words.  She loves learning new words and adding them to her arsenal of vocabulary.

Last year's Anniversary.  My mother made
that cake for us.  It was fantastic!

In the end, after calling and conferencing with a couple of my good friends, I decided that I definitely would try dating.  Hannah and I talked about a lot of things that first day.  Talked about BDSM and decided we would see about trying some of it together, talked about sexual histories (mine was very short... almost nonexistent *cough*), and then we set a date.  October 13th.  We had a phone date that night and decided that would be the start of our relationship because already we were hoping that this would evolve into something that would span years.

It hasn't always been easy.  While we got along well as friends right from the start, there was a definite disconnect as far as our expectations for how the relationship would go. This was my first relationship ever and her first ever with a girl.  It was strange.  But in a weird (totally not incestuous way) it was kind of like getting a sister.  We share everything.  I remember the day that we mixed our CDs together in the same book.  It was kind of startling to me.  I've always been very OCD about my CDs and the fact that CD appears in the acronym OCD makes me very happy right now.  I digress.  *ahem* So to mix up the CDs like that was like finally admitting that I was no longer a 'me' but a 'we.'  The nice thing in all of this has been that my friends and family (aside from a few here and there) and her friends and family (aside from a few) were extremely supportive and nonjudgmental about us getting together.  Some of the hesitant ones came around and some didn't.  Neither Hannah nor I are lesbian.  We just happen to be two girls in a relationship that qualifies as lesbian.  Some people have a hard time grasping this.  I like dick.  So does Hannah.  In fact, I would say that we are both more comfortable with male genitalia than with female, but that isn't why we're together.  I would say it's complicated (and really what 'love' isn't?) but the reason itself is very simple: a shy girl from Kansas said, 'I like you,' and I said, 'I like you, too.'  The rest is six years of history.

We smeared cake on each other.  It was green.  Looked like we had booger problems.

Library, Novel, and 4K Pageviews

I'm sitting at the Post Falls Public Library.   This is a really fantastic building.  I spent numerous hours here before the MFA and after starting it, this is now a second home for me.  It's calm, peaceful (for the most part), and the librarians are all wonderful people.  Hannah and I have come here and used the private study rooms a few times and while they are great, they are almost too great - too cozy - and there is a huge temptation to curl up and sleep on the keyboard.  It's just that nice of a place.  I've slept her a few times (naps in the chairs while Hannah works on her writing or blogging) and then a semi-medicinal slumber with my head propped up by the heel of my hand.  Right now, I'm comfy but not sleepy.

I'm going back and forth between working on a short story and working on a pivotal chapter for Death Man.  For some reason this chapter is giving me the kind of resistance one might expect from a two-year-old being force fed liver and onions at an obscure relative's funeral.  Yeah.  It's like that.  So I'm going to shove that spoon as far down his little throat as far I can today.  Or try to, at least.  As for how the MFA is going overall, I am absolutely loving this mentor but I can definitely see where I am a bit more tentative in my writing, aiming for perfection in my first drafts and then going out of my mind editing and revising.  It's good for me, but I need to embrace the fact that I can't write a perfect chapter for this man, that I just need to pump out as much as I am able to so that he can help me not only hone what I have, but propel me toward more.  That is the goal of this packet.

In other news, this blog has reached over four thousand page views.  This is a very nominal number when compared with the page views for the Detangled Writers blog, but this one is much more intimate and I am just thrilled that after a year (the blog's anniversary was actually last month!) or so of writing, whining, explaining, and planning, it's still a useful outlet for my creativity and, I hope, somewhat entertaining to my readers.  Now.  Back to my chapter and force feeding the figurative two-year-old.

Drunken Hook-Up at the Family Reunion (not as incestuous as it sounds!)

The ginormous and amazing Cumming's Reunion took place last weekend (I'm getting to this blog a bit late!) at the Lewis and Clark Resort in Kamiah, ID.  I didn't know that there was a such a place as Kamiah until we were sent the invites for the reunion.  As it turns out this is a teeny, tiny little town along the Clearwater River about an hour past Lewiston, ID on Highway 12.  When we first drove into town we saw a huge sign for the Resort and right after the sign was a little pull off which led into the most backwater, piece-of-shit, rundown, tornado alley wannabe, hicksville trailer park.  Did I mention it was a bit shabby?  I told Hannah that if that was the resort then we were turning the car around right then and there and heading back to Moscow and spending the weekend with the twins and my cousin!  We drove around the whole town (which took about three minutes) and found a gas station.  A big old guy who looked me up like 'you are not familiar and therefore I presume you are dangerous' came to the counter.  He told me that the resort was two miles out of town past town.  I was thrilled that he hadn't pointed in the direction of the trailer park.

This was the REAL resort.  Much better.

We headed on toward the resort and when we got there I was still in a semi foul mood.  Not enough sleep... no enough gluten... whatever it was, I was just an angst ball.  After we got all settled and met up with my mom and aunt, we went to the auction.  Somewhere along the way I'd decided to overcome my sourness and just shut up and have a good time and so I did.  The auction was fun and I happened to have twenty bucks in cash on me so I bid on a few things and ended with two homemade dishcloths, a kerosene lantern, and a quiche dish.  The last one of these, sadly, lived only about thirty minutes in my care.  When we got back to the hotel room, Hannah accidentally sent it to a shattered death when she knocked it off the table.  Because of my awful mood prior she thought that I would be all kinds of mad.  Honestly I was actually pretty amused!  We cleaned it up and didn't worry too much over it.  

Perhaps the best part of the auction wasn't even winning.  The best part came when Joyce, one of ladies in charge of the genealogical and historical records for the family, handed me a binder and asked me to put Hannah in there as my significant other, "because she's part of the history of this family and should be in here."  Earlier my mom had asked if Hannah should be put into the tree as my partner and someone said that 'no, we don't like to put in significant others unless there's a child.'  I made some comment along the lines of, 'that ain't happening,' and just sort of shrugged it off.  Yes, Hannah and I would love to adopt or even carry babies with a little help from a sperm bank, but as far as 'bloodline' babies that would make Hannah connected to the family tree - well that isn't really a possibility.  BUT!  I guess the genealogy ladies had a little meeting about it, because there came Joyce, with a pen and a paper, asking me to put in Hannah's full name and an anniversary date (October 13, 2007).  Hannah and I nearly cried.  It felt like we were getting married almost and it made us both so much more relaxed at the reunion.  It didn't matter now if we held hands or gave a little kiss - she was part of the family.  Period.  

That night we went to a masquerade party with a New Orleans theme.  We drank some punch that took us from sober to drunk in two cups.  We sang Happy Birthday to one of the matriarch's who turned 80 over the weekend.  We hooted and hollered and huggled and found some wine to add to our punch drunkenness.  Soon we were 'three sheets to the wind' as some might say.  Wasted, I would say.  Pissed, the British would say.  Then came a game of Family Feud and since my number hadn't been drawn to represent the Cumming's clan, Hannah and I decided to sneak off for a few.  We giggled and looked at the stars - curiously they were moving in a circular pattern as we walked - and finally we made it back to the room.  It has never been more difficult to clean off a bed in my life.  My arms were all lead and my body was all string beans on wire, I was a stupid, horny, marionette, and I felt so ridiculously naughty.  

Yeah, it was kind of like that...

I've had a few drunken tumbles in the past (just make outs and a little fooling around) but never anything like this.  After nearly six years with Hannah, we finally did the dumb teenager thing and had a whirlwind of sloppy, gin-sweat, half-clothed, completely irresponsible sex!  It was over quickly (or we thought it was anyway, but we were so drunk that it could have been hours for all we knew).  

So loud... so very loud...

By the time we found clothes and straightened up our hair and got out asses back to the party at the Powwow Room, the Family Feud was over and so was the costume and mask contest.  People were slowly making their way back to their tents, cabins, and resort rooms - most of them rosy cheeked and glassy eyed.  We spent some time with mom and my aunt and then struck up a conversation with a family member whom I can't remember the name of and shared cute cat stories.  We got home again - holding each other tightly as the stars were still doing that swirly thing, silly stars - and then I cuddled mom and went on and on and on about everything.  Hannah played sober.  She edited pictures on her computer while I did the lovey, drunk thing.  I went outside for a bit and buzzed around a little cluster of old ladies (my aunt included) all chattering at each other.  While I don't recall what they talked about very clearly, I know that I laughed much louder than necessary and also made friends with a large beetle.  

The next day we smiled privately, adorable shame coloring out expressions, as we ate breakfast with the family.  I am somewhat amazed that we didn't have hangovers.  My mother and aunt stayed to take part in the family meeting but Hannah and I headed out fairly early.  We wanted to get home and relax before the work week and the barrage of homework took over once more.  On the way back we pulled over and took a ton of pictures of the river and whatever else caught our eye.  My favorite little detour was near Orofino.  We took Old Highway Idaho 7 and drove up to the base of the Dworshak Dam.  There were all sorts of scary signs posted that said 'we own your soul if you go past this point' and 'the first rule of the Dworshak Dam is to never talk about the Dworshak Dam.'  You get the idea.  So we took a picture or two and hightailed it back to safer territory (safer is a term I use loosely since the best kept sign in Orofino is an ad for 'Saw Sharpening').  

We only got to see the concrete side.  I had wondered if the water went all the way to the top and apparently it does. What a fierce looking reservoir!

Anniversary

Today is our fifth anniversary (the anniversary of our relationship as having started via a romantic phone call on October 13th 2008).  The traditional gift/theme for the fifth, is wood.  Coincidentally, today is also the anniversary of my cousin and his wife.  It is their twenty-fifth and the tradition is silver.  My girl is snoozing on the couch at the moment and I'm left to wonder what we might do tomorrow morning to celebrate the culmination of five years together.  The evening is spoken for as we will be traveling to the valley to celebrate my cousin's anniversary (ours taking a little bit of a step into the background).  After dinner and a bit of party-time with the cousin, Hannah and I will pick up a mutual friend and return to Post Falls for an evening of cake and, most likely, some scary movies.

I keep thinking about wood.  It is an interesting element to be attributed to an anniversary.  Of course, perhaps I shouldn't even be calling it an anniversary since it's merely a marker for for the time we began dating and not the date of our marriage.  We would like to get married, but until everyone in this country is allowed to get married, that isn't going to happen.  I know we could have a ceremony and say vows, but it reminds me too much of Rimrock Apartments when I was a kid.  We'd all meet up outside, all us kids, and go to the little dead end alcove between two of the apartment buildings which was definitely 'out of bounds' as it was blocked off by those stinky bushes that smelled sort of like sage and sort of like something else.  We would sneak through the tight gaps, decide quickly who was to marry who, and then stage a little wedding.  It was a fairly common occurrence; I was the bride several times, even the groom once or twice, and I was a very popular choice for the minister.  We would eat pilfered food from our parents' pantries.  I seem to remember Kellogg's Cornflakes.  And the berries off the sage-ish bushes.  We didn't eat them but we would squish them, throw them, rub them on our hands and arms as if it were part of our ceremony.  For the life of me I can't remember what the marriage signified which leads me to believe that it meant nothing.  I'm not going to extrapolate on this and say that marriage in general lacks all meaning.  No, the point of all of this is that there is a difference between a real wedding (and I'm using wedding in a broad term as we are most definitely leaning more toward a hand hasting ceremony) and a 'let's go through the motions for our friends and family' wedding.

I'm thinking about the wood again and thinking of the dowel mom bought to work as supports in the cake.  Hannah beat me with said dowel earlier today, thwacking my rump with it.  I'm glad I was wearing jeans; it could have been unmercifully distracting if I hadn't been.  What does wood mean?  It's the foundation of a house (or could be), and if you're the second little pig it's a false sense of security.  For me, wood is the forest and it's fire in a little pit encircled by rocks and soil.  It's divine in its construction and destruction.  It is scaffolding and it is the stake meant for a vampire's heart.  It is what makes it all possible and yet a creaky step in an old farm house can be the bane of superstitious person's existence.  It can bend, snap, burn, grow, die, branch out, polish up, fade, split and splinter and in all of that perhaps it is perfect traditional for two people coming up for air after five years of weirdness mixed with familiarity.  We've bent for one another, snapped at one another, burned with rage, burned with passion, we've grown as a couple, we'll die as a couple, we've branched out and someday, maybe, we'll branch out and start a family.  It's the split part that we've managed to avoid.  There have been some very close calls but just as faded wood can be revived with Old English so too can a blistering relationship be restored by sacrifice, appreciation, and lots of angry make up sex.