Thursday, November 21, 2013

Sad Day and Sad Ending, but it's Looking Up

For no reason at all, today has been a depressed and dreary day.  It started well enough with singing and dancing in the kitchen and two episodes of the anime, Mythical Detective Loki.  Then we watched a documentary on the Dust Bowl, which I enjoyed immensely despite the depressing content.  I think it was the act of leaving the house to go to the library that set me off in a bizarre way.  Sometimes when a person is depressed they can pin it down to one or a couple of things and relate the emotional backlash to some kind of trigger, but today it was a very out of the blue kind of low.  It was a good old fashioned depression, caused purely by chemicals in my brain, I suppose.  Either that or it's the weather really getting to me.  I hate that it was dark before four o'clock today.  But other than that there wasn't anything that really stands out as a reason for weepy Mc-weep pants today.

It got better though.  When we got home from the library, I felt really dismal.  I almost didn't even eat dinner and, for those of you who know me, that is a huge red flag.  Mom made steak and eggs and toast and it was delicious - and I told mom this - but I ate it with a frown on my face the entire time.  However, after dinner, mom and I retreated to her bedroom and I proceeded to read her two large scenes from my Dust Bowl novel.  It was cute.  She thought I was setting up a short story.  I'm not.  And she also proposed some great ways to give the story a happy ending.  Well... there isn't going to be one.

I think it shocked her.  I actually know exactly how the story is going to end and it makes me want to bawl and that is how I know it needs to happen.  Reading to mom helped get me back into the mood for Bertram and August.  Now I just have to keep going.  For workshop we have to turn in two manuscripts of about 3000 thousand words each and I want to have chapter 1 and chapter 2 ready to go by December 2nd.  Also, I'm thinking of giving Death Man a short hiatus so that I can keep going on the novel that I actually know how to end instead of the novel with a mystery ending that simply won't reveal itself to me even in abstractions.  We'll see.  The residency is like a dose of crack cocaine and afterwards I may jump back into Death Man with both feet, or I'll carry on with Dust Bowl while I work on my critical thesis.

3 comments:

  1. Love the picture and...

    Mythical Detective Loki? xDDD bwahahahaha!!

    Okay that's out of my system. The title just tickled my funny bone.

    Do you get seasonal affective disorder when the clocks change? I know I get morose and melancholy when the days get shorter. Only a month left before the days get longer though at least there's that. So far I'm being spared crippling depression. I get bouts but they're just that-bouts, as opposed to days of dark tunnel without end. One can hope. I've been making a practice, more of an experiment really, of not letting verbal thoughts run amok in my head when I'm in the midst of UFE's: Unidentified Flying Emotions. I just let the feelings ride me [face it they will anyhow, right?]and it's not that I fight the thoughts I just don't take them seriously because when my mood lightens it's always going to look different and less exacerbated. I've decided it's just not worth the energy required to seriously entertain thoughts that accompany bad feelings. It's hard sometimes, especially when I have longer bouts of sadness and depression.

    I can reach a certain point with the experiment where my body registers the hurt of heart, adrenalin of anxiety and so forth and my brain is thinking thoughts but a bigger part of me just looks without judgment. And the only real conclusion I can draw from it is that it's just an experience-that's all. [Only that and nothing more. >.<]It's ultimately no different than a happy experience: it has physical sensations, accompanying thoughts and emotions but the impact is only temporary and no more or less significant than an unpleasant experience other than one feels better than the other one.

    Forrest Gump: And that's all I have to say about that. xD

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    1. I'm feeling better today and you're right, it's not worth it to dwell on the bad emotions because the littlest thing that made you go all droopy (or what might have seemed to make you sad) suddenly doesn't amount to anything after the depression is over. I'm getting there, lol, but it's a long climb sometimes and I am sooooo thankful that the Solstice is near! I can't wait for longer days again. And haha yes, Mythical Detective Loki is fantastic and makes me always chuckle because I think about Marvel when watching it XD.

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  2. If you have Netflix you should watch Thor and Loki. Not the cartoony animated one, although it's good too. This one is a Marvel based show and the animation is really crappy but the story and dialogue are awesome. It really climbs inside the character Loki and is really about him and his experience and is a bit more based in mythology. And Loki's really ugly in it. No handsome HIddleston to rescue him from bad hair days. It's horribly tragic so I know you and Hannah would love it, lol.

    Also-and don't you laugh at me!-I have my very first 'celebrity crush. I am totally and completely Hiddlstoned! This guy just slays me! He's so fff'king adorable! Also, not official, there MAY be standalone Loki movies in the future. :D

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