Two Pagan Princesses Passionately Paired - Handfasting 101

I've read a good deal about handfasting and I've had the pleasure of witness our Officiant marry/perform the handfasting for a couple of our good friends. Also I have a good brain! I think. But despite reading about it and witnessing one ceremony, I realize two things:

1) I have no fucking clue what I'm doing! I have never written or drafted anything like this before. I love writing rituals (possibly one of my favorite things to do) but trying to compose words to the feelings of my quickly arriving hand-fasting is proving nearly impossible. I've found some fun sites that provide scripts so that I can get a feel of the rhythm and flow of the ceremony, but I'm still worried. I think it's the Virgo in me wanting this to be perfect. Eventually the Libra cusp side will slow the Virgo's roll. But until then I'm emotionally back in high school broaching a weird life altering deadline - and speaking of life altering...

2) I never thought in a million years I would actually get married. By the time I was in college I had consigned myself, quite readily, over to being a spinster. Even after Hannah made cute, coy love confessions and decided she wanted to be my person, I didn't think we would ever get married. Or I guess I figured it was enough to just say 'ah, we're together forever and that's the same as marriage, so on and so forth,' but then Washington began recognizing same-sex marriage and then marriage equality really became a thing. And then Hannah and I fell in love with the Pagan community and felt like part of a larger family. And of course there was the Facebook incident (wherein Hannah hijacked my social media account and changed my status to 'engaged' in the most passive-aggressive proposal of all time). It worked though. Because here I am, less than two months out from Friday the 13th, frantically trying to create the best damn ritual/ceremony I've ever conceived of!

So now I have to pause and remind myself of two more things. 1) I'm not doing this alone. Hannah and our Officiant are right there with me. And, 2) it doesn't need to be perfect. Just as my quote says above: not perfect, but passionate and full of wonder. That's a relationship. That's a life. That's art. That's love.

Here's a quick list of some of the fun sites I found as well as some of the books I have at home for reference - the last four books are borrowed copies:

• Marry me in Indy, LLC
• Rev. Dawn Earthsong
• All Seasons Weddings
• 25 Best Handfasting Ideas on Pinterest
• Passages Handfasting: A Pagan Guide to Commitment Rituals 
• Magickal Weddings: Pagan Handfasting Traditions for your Sacred Union
• A Pagan Ritual Prayer Book
• A Book of Pagan Prayer

They say the third day of a routine is the hardest...

I had an awful time coming up with things to do today. There are many rather large projects that I want to do but they are too massive for Creative October, and the smaller projects I wanted to do today just didn't take any kind of form for me. In the end I sat down and played with beads and ended up creating a shiny garland necklace for Princess Luna. I've been wanting to decorate her (make her something special) for a while now and the garland looks so pretty on her dark blue coat. The pattern I followed was: one flower bead, two shiny non flowers, then one flower again. The beads came from my next door neighbor. She brought them over a while ago when she decided she'd had enough of her boys demolishing the house with them. 

The picture quality sucks but trust me, the beads are really cute.

Princess Luna in all her splendor.

Nacisa had to investigate. She wasn't too impressed, I suppose.

She does like Luna's horn though!

In answer to the survey questions: 1) my project was a fishing line and bead garland necklace for my Build-a-Bear Princess Luna Pony. 2) I learned that you should always use the stretchy stuff to string the beads instead of fishing line because it was harder than heck to squeeze and squish her head through the second wrap. Also I learned to not overthink the projects for this month too much. Simpler is fine. 3) I completed the project.

Creative October and New Job

Tomorrow is the beginning of October Craft Month! I have a lot of creative ideas. Sometimes getting them out of my brain and into existence is a real challenge so we'll see how this goes. I'm going to try to post a week or bi-weekly update here on the blog to share my creations. This is something my friend D and I (as well as Hannah) have decided to do. I'm going to answer three questions after each project's completion: 1)What was the project? 2)Did you complete it? 3)What did you learn from the project/about yourself? This is going to be a hard month for me to be able to complete this project because I'm also starting a new job. Yes, that's right. You read correctly! I'm going to be shifting gears away from the comfort (and occasional frustration) of the good old bra shop to an office job. I'll be working with phones again, but this time with a smaller group of people (12 counting me) and in a more intimate environment. It's for the Newspaper. Which excites me immensely.

The interview went amazingly well. The Lead of the Circulation Department called me about two hours after the interview and offered me the job. I'm still sort of in shock about the whole thing. My current boss was not thrilled, but she knew this day was coming as I have been telling her of my job hunting efforts for the past ten months. Everything has happened so quickly. Tomorrow I'm going to do my drug and background checks and then I'll start after the 8th. The 8th will be my last day at L'eggs Hanes Bali. I feel incredibly surreal about the whole thing. But at the same time, I feel a tremendous sense of relief as if I've taken a real step forward. Life is going to be very different--and I'm going to become a morning person, gods help me!--but it is going to be fulfilling and utterly worth it. I have a lot of writing goals for the end of this year and working in a building teeming with creative energy certainly can't hurt.

Crafts, Moon, and Library

This upcoming October is going to be very busy and very fun I think. My friend D and I have decided to do a 'craft something everyday' challenge. This means we have to start and finish one project everyday during the month of October and these things can include crochet, other crafts, writing, cooking something unusual, etc. And they can be a group project as well as long as you make a large contribution. Essentially we're just doing it to have a little fun and give us something to brag about or lament over each and every day. Hannah and a few other friends are doing it too!

In the mean time, I get to lead a "Corny" Corn Moon Ritual for the IEPG this coming Monday. I might post a little bit here after I get the whole thing written up. This wasn't supposed to be my moon but the gentleman who was going to lead it had some unexpected things come up at home so now I'm going to do my best to lead the moon and keep with the corny theme that he had originally wanted. We'll see how that goes. I'm excited but nervous too. I only have a few days to prepare. But I find, typically, I work best under pressure so let the writing begin!

And in other news, I'm still very stressed about the job hunt. I was supposed to hear back this week from the Spokesman-Review (the lady said they would call me with a yes or a no, but they would definitely call me!) and so far nothing. I just checked the library page for Spokane and Spokane valley and they have three new job openings. They all close October 7th. So I'm thinking I'll write up the letters and get everything ready and then either turn it in tomorrow or wait until the day before the last day to turn it in. What I want more than anything is to be given a damn chance. If you aren't going to hire me at least let me fuck up in the interview. Don't 'not' hire me without talking to me. I'm a great employee! And I need a career. Please just give me a damn chance. 

Faith and New Ideas for Death Man

The past few days have been a blur. My friend from Solstice, Faith, came to visit me while she attended the Sasquan (World Con) Convention in Spokane area. It was such a treat getting to spend time with her and she really kicked my ass on brainstorming and storyboarding for my novel. I asked her to help me figure out how the hell to make three books out of my massive missive of mischief. And she did. Now I just have to keep with it, I'm excited because I've restructured my hierarchy a little, changed some of my beloved characters' names (neither Faith nor Hannah were happy about that!) and also figured out the ten commandments of my theocracy. Pretty much I made everyone's lives a bit worse in the novel and have given the slave boys something very, very dangerous and depressing: hope. 

I have a French/English dictionary waiting for me at the Library and once I pick that up I'm going to begin fucking with the language. One of my goals when I started this Dystopian was to create a bastardized Frenchlish language similar to the Nadsat language Burgess created in 'A Clockwork Orange.' I freaking love that book. I'm going to re-read it this next week to get me in the mood for language making.

I'm going to reformulate my map of the city as well. I think for me the best thing to do will be to have a crystal clear vision of the defamiliarization of the novel before I really delve into this new draft. Now, don't worry, I'm not scraping the old draft. Most of it is incredibly workable. But I will be rewriting a great deal of it and then editing and revising from there. Which is why I need to get my ass in the chair and get going on the actual work. The novel is going to be tight. It really will be. And I know the changes I'm making are going to help. At least I'm fairly certain they are. So now I need to finish up the draft and put it away for a bit so I can work on number two and number three. By the end of this year I will have Book One of the Death Man trilogy print ready. That's my goal. I don't have much year left, however, so the pressure is on.

The Commandments of the Theocracy

1. The Luminary is God incarnate. The Luminary’s Word is Law.
2. None but the Luminary and the Elderkin may read or compose writing. Slaves, Paysan, and Gendarme shall not read or produce writing of any form. To read or write on their own is to incur death
3. Apostasy is the greatest crime and demands the highest restitution else the offending party shall die.
4. All shall attend at least one Tournament and ten executions a year and will be punished for lax behaviour.
5. Slaves must obey all commands unless it directly violates an order given by the Luminary. All Paysan and Gendarme must obey all commands given them by their Patrons unless it directly violates an order given by the Luminary.
6. All Death meted in honor of the Luminary is sacred and celebrated.
7. Women must obey and satisfy their Masters/husbands as it is the will of the Luminary.
8. Unless acceptable restitution is offered for crimes of civil disobedience, theft, fraud, and attempts to upset the social order, the penalty is Death.
9. All children born out of wedlock are slaves. 
10. There are monsters beyond the wall. No one shall go beyond the wall. To go beyond the wall is to incur the wrath of the Luminary and verily ye shall die.

Basic Update, Sandman, On Writing

I did not get the library job for the Spokane County. But there's a library job opening for Coeurd'Alene. So I'm applying to that tomorrow. Also I'm applying for the adjunct pool for North Idaho College. Read some tarot today and basically what I got out of it was that I need to freaking write. Just write! I have so much I need to do. This past month has been busier than anything--people in and out of the house and lots of extra stuff to do--so I'm a bit behind in my packet exchanges with E. Also this month, my friend Faith (which is her writer's nomdeplume) will be visiting. In fact, she's coming tomorrow. We're going to chat and be silly and talk about writing and publishing and all that good stuff. So, I'm hoping that by the time she leaves me the next week, I will be right back on the writing horse and ready to go! 

Recently I've been reading a crap ton of Neil Gaiman's "Sandman." It is quite amazing and I can't wait to read further. Also I'm going to check out "Morning Glory" which my friend recommended to me. In additional to all of this I'm going to read some David Levithan soon. I'm priming myself for publication in Cicada Magazine. I will most likely get a big fat rejection letter from them but I can hope, yes? So I'm doing all I can to get myself in the right mood. I figure, no matter what job I have, if I can actually make money by publishing then I will be living my dream a little and also feel more like I can provide for myself via my craft. And maybe someday... it will be my only job. Not a secondary job, not a side thing, not something I squeeze in between the day-to-day shifts. I would love that. So here's hoping for getting some shit out there soon.

In other news, I threw a few fits over the change to Windows 10. Probably I'll end up liking it, but dealing with the big change from 8.1 to 10 during a damn project was not fun. I'm working on the thank you notes for those who celebrated my graduation with me, as well as sending special and personalized notes to my mentors and directors at Solstice. I also need to work on a letter of recommendation for my friend who is applying. I have so much writing I need to do! It's exciting but a tad overwhelming. While my friend is here, she is going to be attending a conference for sci-fi writers. While she's busy with that, I'm thinking Hannah and I need to spend some time together (we've sort of lost touch with each other the last few months like ships passing in the night so to speak), and also do some serious writing, Loving the Stephen King book "On Writing" right now. And he says that the only thing you can't take lightly is the actual writing, He's right. I need to sit down and take every moment of it seriously. It is a blessing and a curse. I am ready to enjoy the telepathy of writing and finally reach my audiences.

On the eve of my last Boston adventure...

Well, it may not be my last Boston adventure. But it is the last one in this capacity, as a grad student attending Pine Manor College. I still have a few things to work on. I'm having the panic. Lots of the panic. Not as badly as I have in times past, but I'm definitely stressed and nervous and fretting. Tonight I'm over at my neighbor's house talking with her and Hannah about the section of my novel which I will be reading at the graduate reading. While there are many sections I really enjoy, I think the part where Matthias wins the 'tooth' game at the Arena is probably going to be the one I go with. I need to write a small introduction to the piece and then practice it a few times for pacing. When E graduated I listened to her during her practice run and I'm sure she will do the same for me. 

I'm worried about E. She just went through a really upsetting breakup and I hope that I can be a positive and wholesome distraction for her while I'm there. I'm also worried about the hotel costs and the costs of everything in general. I will have to sit down with her and chat when I get there. This education adventure has put me into mega debt which is okay because honestly it was worth it, but at the same time, financial stress is making me feel ill.

In other news I turned in my application to be part of the Pagan Ministry Council for the Inland Empire Pagan Guild. I think it was a pretty decent letter of interest if I do say so myself. I will know before I return whether or not I am accepted as a member of the council. Here's hoping that Hannah and I are approved.

My next post will be from Boston! I have a list of to-dos. I want to eat at Papa Gino's at least once, I want to do girly things with Eileen such as making our nails look fabulous for graduation, I need to get a shot glass of the Boston skyline for my coworker, and I want to do some tarot readings in the hotel room. I'm excited for the time at school as well as the time away from school. I am absolutely desperate to reconnect with many of my dear, dear Solstice Sisters and Brothers. Right now I feel like rambling and procrastinating and curling up in a ball and waving a white flag of surrender. Ugh. I want to go but I am also just done.

New Happenings in the Facets of My Life

I'm sitting here in a mild panic waiting to embark on the final leg of my graduate school career. So much has happened in the past month and so much is going to happen in the following month that I feel the best way to tackle this info-dump is through a list. And to make it even more palatable, I've divided it into Spiritual Life, Fictional Life, and Real Life. There may be some overlap as my fictional life typically overruns my real one.

Spiritual Life:

• Went to the annual camp out for the IEPG (Inland Empire Pagan Guild). This years theme was Hammered with the Heathens and we did get a bit hammered here and there. But when we weren't drinking, we had a great time interacting with friends in the community and trying new things, Such as: I led my very first ritual! It was my first time writing and leading. We performed a Nightmare Banishment Ritual with a My Little Pony twist to it. I actually had a wonderful time leading it and the feedback that I've received has all been positive. Already I'm excited to lead some more rituals in the future.
• Saw two Handfastings at the camp out! Both rituals were renewals of handfasting vows and intentions but they were both lovely and gave Hannah and me some ideas about our own future handfasting.
• Woke with the sun one morning and greeted the day. Saw a sea hawk nest complete with babies!
• Hannah and I have been asked if we are interested in joining the Pagan Ministry Council and both of us have said yes! We are going to submit our pleas for consideration to the full IEPG group sometime this week. If it doesn't work out that I am able to take part in the council, that's fine. I'm still gearing up for future rituals and classes. This is a great community and I will be part of it in any way I can be.

Fictional Life:

• In Dungeons and Dragons with the neighbors my character has finally gotten his memory back and, I was correct, he is indeed a prince! All sorts of crazy questing is happening right now and Hannah's character is starting to catch feelings for the irreverent 'live for the moment' barbarian. We'll see how that plays out. He has never had a real relationship before, not even a real friendship. Or at least not in the past thirty years. So for him this is all very new.
• Been thinking about Death Man a lot recently. I've decided that this November during the National Novel Writer's Month, I'm going to try and finish up some more of the draft as well as begin serious plotting for the overall structure which, I reckon, will be quite a bit different than it is right now.
• Working on finishing homework for the final leg of the residency. I want to really spruce up the stories that I submitted for workshop and maybe submit one of them for a magazine at some point. But the other piece is the first chapter to a novel. So that might be my future project for next year. We'll see how Death Man goes. So many novels, so little time. I must manufacture some time. 
• Been doing a little role-playing again in the past couple of weeks. Very little. Just a post here and there or maybe a couple a day when we're on a roll. But it's like a little treat to reward me for being good and abstaining from it for so long whilst finishing school. I am not going to let the RP take over my life, but I am going to enjoy the hell out of it as long as it doesn't interfere with other responsibilities including the November goal with my novel. Basically right now, the RP is a total excuse for vampire and werewolf conflict, lots of blood, and the fun in creating new rules for old supernatural entities. And I'm sure at some point there'll be sex. (If they all don't die first!)

Real Life:

• Had a lovely graduation party at my aunt's club house. Lots of my friends were there as well as a decent grouping of family. I made a little over $200 dollars from cards and well-wishers and that is basically going to feed me on my trip. The party was great because it was a pool party and that is the first time I've ever thrown one of those. It was certainly hot enough to merit it!
• SCOTUS! Finally a move in the right direction for this country. This year, for the first time in a long time, I'm proud to be an American. Hooray for marriage equality and boo on all the haters who truly believe that equal civil rights for all will somehow destroy the fabric of existence. In the words of Taylor Swift: the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, but I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake. Shake it off!
•  Got a surprise graduation mini-party at work. On Monday, when I arrived for the early morning meeting, I was greeted with a cake, a card full of monies, and a sign that said "Congrats Amanda." It was such a sweet gesture! 
• I'm on the hunt for a new job. Which is very bittersweet because despite the occasional drama at the bra shop, I really do love this job and the gals who work there. But it's time for me to get something that can provide for me and my mate while we continue to work on our fictional and spiritual lives. Today I'm finishing a cover letter and application for the Newspaper in Spokane. Wish me luck with it!
• Getting ready for the Residency. Homework, finalizing my class that I get to teach, and pretty much stressing about it on all levels. 

Books, Books, and More Books!

Editing. That is what I have left for the intense part of the semester. Well and a little writing still. Which I'm going to work on a bit tonight. Basically I need to edit my annotated bibliography, my synopsis, and the last of the actual thesis. And then I'll be done with that part and can move onto the next bit which includes all the good stuff for the residency. I am excited for my class on dystopian world building and I'm really excited to get there and take some amazing classes with the people I've come to know and love. Also I have the best fucking ever wardrobe for this summer. I cannot wait to show it all off! My buddy, E, and I will be chic twins! 

I'm still incredibly sad that Hannah cannot go with me. I had hoped to make it work but financially it just isn't going to happen. But I am going to Skype with her a few times so I can at least introduce her to some of the people there. Especially M. I am very excited to see M. 

Something that's been taking up a great deal of my time lately has been reading. In the past week alone I've read four books. I can't believe it. I'm in a reading kick and I can't eat enough! Including a few more from the week before I've read:

1. The Sumerians by Elaine Landau - the book was a nice summary of the geography and social structure but severely biased by the author's Christian views.
2. Lugalbanda by Kathy Henderson - this was a gorgeous story with amazing illustrations and unlike the first book on the list, this one honored the ancient religion and culture that it detailed. Also this is a retelling of the oldest story ever written - over 4,000 years old!
3. Sexy by Joyce Carol Oates - YA done right. Heartbreaking in some places but in the end it covers everything that a young adult novel is supposed to - including a glimpse of hope.
4. Rape by Joyce Carol Oates - I adore the use of 2nd person POV in selected chapters and I was really surprised by the direction the novel took. And yet I wasn't surprised because Oates laid all the foundation work to guide me to the perfect and inevitable result. Very satisfying.
5. The Book of Lost Things by John Connolly - this book is a great example of bridging between YA and adult fiction. A sort of Narnia for the modern times. Loved the gay soldier.
6. We Were Liars by E. Lockhart - figured it out relatively quickly but that didn't diminish my enjoyment of the novel by any means. I adored the poetic flare of Lockhart's narration.
7. The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian - I was drawn to this book for two reasons: 1) it was banned and 2) it takes place on the Spokane Indian Reservation and Reardon, WA. I loved knowing the places that the narrator talks about and I also loved the cartoon snippets throughout the text. Great story filled with truths that only a diary style novel can get away with telling and lamenting. 
8. Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe - I really enjoyed this book. It can be a bit infuriating at times but the end makes everything so worth it. In fact, if I'm ever having a bad day and need a pick me up, I'll just read the last ten pages. So worth it. 

None of these books are very long, but even still, I finished them all at record speeds for me. I am usually a slow fuddy-duddy reader. Which is why I'm starting to realize that I'm just not meant for adult fiction. At least not meant for it primarily. I feel a draw toward YA and also when I read YA it not only feels right, but it helps me recall and analyze parts of my childhood that I had forgotten or hadn't really processed. In my heart I'm still about fifteen or sixteen and so these books speak strongly to me. No, I'm not still dealing with high school drama or trying to awkwardly figure out the opposite sex (or the same sex as the case may be) but people are people and they are their most beautiful when they are vulnerable. The coming of age stories in the YA I've been reading have all been marvelous. I definitely feel that my mentor and I made the correct choice in making Death Man much more YA than it had previously been. The next projects I am going to work on will also be YA. I just can't get enough of it! Even today at the library I picked up another YA novel. But I'm not going to let myself start it until I finish with all the editing that needs to be done.

So many books. So little time. I'm happy to have found my place. Which is really what YA is all about.

Student Anthology Submission for Your Enjoyment

This past semester, one of the students with my MFA program started an anthology project for all students and alumni to feature short pieces of work including excerpts, poems, flash fiction, and vignettes. Last time I submitted a short scene from my Dust Bowl novel and this time around I am sending in the beginning segment (almost a prologue I guess) to my creative thesis. I thought I would share it here just for fun and because my mentor, who hates prologues, absolutely loved.

The Lesson

Excerpt from The Death Man

By Amanda LaFantasie

“Isn’t one blade enough. Why do we need three?” he asked.

“The same reason a painter needs more than one brush.” The Death Man ran his finger down along the smooth and perfectly chiseled blood groove of the executioner’s sword. “It all depends on your goal. If you just want to kill a man, you use the ax. If you want to dismember him and decorate the stage with his blood, then you use the machete. But if you want to deliver the kiss of death, you swing this sword through his neck and you give him peace.” He lifted the sword, holding it horizontally before the boy.

Beyond the old man’s window the sky was red with a summer sunset and it cast a crimson hue upon the blade, making it look as if it had drawn blood from the air itself.

“The tip’s broken,” the boy said.

“It’s not broken. It was made this way. Blunt and smooth. This sword was never meant for stabbing. It is a work of art. Light enough to wield with grace yet heavy enough to part skin, muscle, and bone with a single flick of the wrist. And it’s sharp. Hold out your arm.”

The boy did as asked. He knew his mentor would cut him, but all fear of pain had been beaten out of him long ago. Sucking in a breath, almost excited by the promise of blood, he waited. His mentor pressed the blade to his flesh and gave a quick slice. The boy felt nothing.

In silence he examined his arm. His eyebrows drew tight in confusion. There didn’t seem to be a cut.

“Wait for it,” said the Death Man.

A moment passed. As if by magic, a thin beaded line of blood appeared and with it came the first touch of pain, a hot concentrated sting. The boy watched in fascination as the beads grew fat and spilled out from the cut leaving red tributaries on his skin. It was deep, much deeper than he’d first thought. He put his hand on the wound, but it did little to stop the blood from squeezing out and dripping all over his mentor’s floor. But the Death Man didn’t seem to care. About anything.

“Take a man’s head with this blade and he will not suffer. It is a blade reserved only for those who deserve a painless death.”

“And who deserves a painless death?” The boy couldn’t take his eyes off the sword.

“Everyone,” the Death Man replied, and in the same breath he amended, “no one.” He returned the sword to its sheath and set it back on the stand. “Only the beloved of the Luminary are granted such a death.”

“But if they are his beloved then why kill them?” The boy knew he shouldn’t ask so many questions but his mentor was the only person he’d met in a long time who was so willing to answer.

            “Sometimes we have to kill the ones we love.” He pulled a wad of gauze from his medicine bag. “Wrap up your arm. The lesson’s just begun.”

A.D.D. and a blog that's all over the place!

Life has been incredibly complicated lately. In March, Hannah, F, and I went to Seattle to drive F to a wedding.  We visited my aunt and cousins, went out to Whidbey Island, visited the Tsubaki Grand Shrine in Granite Falls, and had a wonderful time. When we got home, however, we took our sweet baby Galen to be put down at the emergency vet's clinic. His bronchitis had turned into something much worse and he was fighting for breath. It was one of the hardest things I've ever been through. Until that night, I'd never been present for the final moments of any of my fur-babies. Somehow I'd always been away (school trips, college, too young to go in, etc.), but with Galen I was not only in the room, I was the one holding him. We said our goodbyes and he went limp in my arms. We were a mess.

After that life picked up again for a while. I fell ever more behind on my novel - working and working on parts of it and nit-picking so slowly that I thought I would never get a full draft done in time for the second reader. But in the end, I did. I took four days off from work and spent every single waking moment sitting (on the couch, on the toilet, at the library, at the table, on the bed, in the living room, at the desk) and writing. I became physically ill and perhaps mentally ill as well. Between writing bouts I would tromp around that apartment like a gorilla or laugh maniacally and alternate between screams of "I can do it!" and "I'm going to diiiiiieeeeee!" I didn't expect to finish but I did. Just barely though, I finished shitting out the final part of a major chapter at about a quarter to noon on Saturday and then ran to Fed-Ex to catch the overnight pick up by 1:15. I printed everything out, snapped it together and sent it on its way for about fifty bucks. A hefty price but if I manage to graduate then its a price I'm willing to pay. 

After that I went to work. My boss has been a negative Nancy since our previous Assistant Manager retired. The new ASM is a nice person and I like her but I don't know if she's the perfect fit for the group of girls who work here. When it's just her and me working it's great, but some of the other girls have issues and on some days it feels like we're in middle school again. And I hated middle school. I desperately need a different job but now that it seems I shall be graduating (and please, I still need everyone's prayers and positive energies on that front), I will stop looking for the moment and focus on looking after I return from Boston in July with my MFA! It should be easier to get a decent job after that but we'll see.

In other news, I just got the class list for the MFA residency and I'm very excited. I'm going to start reading the required pieces tomorrow. Now I just have to update my bibliography, get a decent synopsis written by the first of May, and have a revised and *finalized* draft sent to Sandra by the fifteenth and I'll be looking pretty good. Then I have to detail out what I'm doing for my class - I think I shall take lots of notes while at work this next week or two - and get my workshop pieces written and ready. And then I shall take a huge breath. Also I'm going to write down every single date that I need off from work in the next two months because I'm tired of missing rituals and celebrations. I am going to miss the IEPG celebration Beltane this Saturday and I sort of want to do something fun on my own, but what I'll probably end up doing is just going to Hastings after work to participate in free comic day. Not quite the welcome to fertile summer that I had hoped for. 

Other, other news: Hannah and I will be adopting my aunt's cat, Ray. He's an older kitty (I think he's about 8 years old) and she wants to re-home him. I understand her reasons and I've told her in the past that I adore the kitty and if she needed to place him somewhere that Hannah and I would take him in a heartbeat. Well, she has agreed to send him our way. I just hope Narcisa can handle a new big brother. He's a gray short-haired complete lover boy and I cannot wait to welcome him into the family. I would like to have a welcoming ritual for him as well as a remembrance ritual for the boys (our sweet babies Yoda and Galen). The kitties are a huge part of our lives, emotionally and spiritually, and I want to express that in a divine way. 

That's all for now. Blessed be and good night. I took today off to just relax and rest and tomorrow begins the next chapter of a very stressful novel called 'my life.' 

Oh also, F and a few friends of our with the IEPG think I need to get checked out for Adult A.D.D. I've always had attention and focus problems but they seem to have escalated to a very destructive level lately. It may be that I just need to adjust my anxiety and depression medication but something definitely needs to be done. 

And in other, other, other news, my poor father is suffering from the same type of infection that I had in January. It seems he and I are cellulitis twins. Lovely. His infection is in his leg which really sucks but at least he isn't having to go to the hospital every twelve hours for IV antibiotics. I do have some good news about all - I sent in all the paperwork to see if our county's social services could help me out some with the bill and they not only helped, they wrote off the entire thing. All nine invoices are now balanced at zero. When I got the letter in the mail I nearly cried I was so happy. Maybe things can keep looking up. Dad is going to get better very soon, mom is going to get a new job this fall, and I'm going to graduate and so will Hannah! These things will happen. I have to believe it.

Slow Going, Sick Galen, and Mermaids

These last couple of weeks have been a headache.  I've been applying off and on for about every job I am "qualified" for, been working every weekend at the bra shop as I am the only CA who can work over a five hour shift at the moment, and been spending 4-6 hours every day working on my novel.  I'm exhausted.  The novel work has been intensive and rewarding but so very slow going.  As I read the YA craft book by Regina L. Brooks, I realized that what I had done wrong from the beginning was to start this story without a clear idea of the setting.  The physical setting has developed and evolved over the past year and now that I have it set in stone (with some flexibility as nothing is ever truly set in novel writing) I've had to restart, rewrite, redraft, and revise.  I learned from this mistake and am going to flush out setting prior to drafting the next time I tackle a novel project. So anyway, it's been slow, slow, slow going.  I am not going to have my full amount of pages for the upcoming packet.  I feel bad. 

After being ill and after revising everything and creating a new outlook on the story and plot, I had a hell of a time getting back into the habit of writing everyday.  I'm back!  I've been practically living at the library and Starbucks is my Patron. (By the way, the Caramel Flan Latte is pretty fucking amazing!) This Monday I am going to spend the whole day at the Library again.  Basically I'm hoping to have thirty good pages for my mentor and then send her another thirty as soon as they are ready. If I have to go in chunks of thirty then so be it.  I just want to keep making progress. She's really excited for this novel to come together and so am I. At work today I talked to the new ASM about which characters live and which ones die and her excitement about the relationships between the characters got me very excited. She told me she would love to see my ideas translated on screen. She hasn't read the material but just hearing her say that was very encouraging today.

Galen, our mini-panther, has bronchitis and is taking antibiotics and steroids twice a day. Consequently, my fingers have become pin cushions. Sometimes he takes the pills well and sometimes he chomps down on my fingers like a wild beast! I really hope he shapes up soon. We lost Yoda a little less than a year ago and we're not ready to go through that again. 

For the past few nights, Hannah and I have been reading about mermaids. We rented a book from the library and each night I read a chapter or two aloud as we cuddle in bed getting ready to go to sleep. I learned about the mermaid fakes. Did you know that mermaid (and sea monster creation) fakes were so popular that the fakes themselves have a name? They are called Jenny Hanivers. I immediately felt compelled to someday write a mermaid tale and include a Jenny character who might have a friend named Haniver. The origin of the name is from the French for girls from Antwerp. We've actually learned quite a bit from the mermaid book so far. Tonight we'll finish it and tomorrow we're going to start a kids book about Chinese Folktales called Auntie Tigress.  

Two Kinds of Homework, or Books and Svadhishthana

For my MFA homework: I'm writing out the origins of my fucked up little city as well as finally giving myself permission to attack this novel as a YA vehicle. My mentor, while always being positive and encouraging, always takes time to give me excellent reading suggestions so that we are both on the same foot as far as concepts and things to try. A few books she suggested that I really enjoyed are St. Lucy's Home for Girls Raised by Wolves by Karen Russell, Disgrace by J.M. Coetzee, The House on Mango Street by Sandra Cisneros, and Structuring Your Novel by Robert C. Meredith.  Earlier today I updated by accumulative bibliography (I use Easy Bib online and I love it! So simple!) and added all of my entries together. I have reached the desired goal of 80 entries including, research articles, novels, books of poetry, graphic novels, selected chapters for critical study and lecture classes. 

Everything I read now is icing on the cake and, as per my mentors suggestions once again, I'm excited get to work reading Writing Great Books for Young Adults by Regina Brooks, The Modern Library Writer's Workshop by Stephen Koch (this is more for after I graduate but I'll peek now!), The Stranger by Albert Camus (this one is a reread), Waiting for the Barbarians by J.M. Coetzee, and (probably after I graduate) On Such a Full Sea by Chang-rae Lee.  I cannot begin to describe how excited I was to get the latest package from Amazon.  I had just ordered the Coetzee, Brooks, and Koch books and knew they would be arriving any day.  They arrived yesterday while I was getting ready for my shower.  I heard the door knock and so I cautiously, nakedly made my way through the hall to peer out though the spy-hole into the stairwell area.  No one was there.  I knew right away it must be a UPS drop off.  So I opened the door and extended a naked arm, as well as one renegade boob, out into the world (because stopping to put clothes on was NOT an option!) and snatched the box quickly into the safety of my home and bosom.

Today's Blog Lesson: Reading is good for you.  Masturbation is good for you.  Any questions?

For Wiccan Spirituality homework: We were given two articles to read and some exercises to try. I've already read the first article and loved it!  Other parts of homework were to interact with and get to know water as an inspirational and life-giving thing, as well as research the second chakra which is the chakra most associated with this element.  Well I found some great sites (Chakra Center, Chakra Anatomy, and Kundalini Yoga Meditation) that offer similar yet valuable information on the second chakra which is known in Sanskit as the Svadhishthana "one's own base."  The thing about the second chakra is that it focuses not on pragmatism but on 'feeling' and creativity. It is, I suppose, the human condition chakra. This is the stem of our feelings and emotions and our sexual drives and desires. It can become clogged and blocked and interrupted which usually leads to a damming of our creativity or an unhealthy obsession with sex in its shallowest of forms.  

Pleasure is good, touching is good, coming together as humans or even exploring one's own self is good. But not at the expense of enjoying the rest of what life has to offer. When this chakra is in good working order, a person's creativity blooms, they feel strong in their sexual identity, they enjoy the release that emotions and sensations have to offer, and they do not fight against their feelings. For women, especially, this is a creative center as it lies within the womb area of our bodies. Even if a woman chooses not to, or has no occasion to, have a child, her uterus is one of the most creative places inside of her. It is in a state of change and hormonal cycling, always growing and losing and starting over again. Painful periods and trouble menstruating may cause blockage in the second chakra and, some believe, blockage in the second chakra can cause painful periods and trouble menstruating. I think this last bit is incredibly interesting. We know that emotions bring on physiological reactions in a person (anger causes tension, adrenaline; grief brings tears, tightness of chest, pain, aches, soreness, etc.) so who's to say how much of our period pain comes from oxygen deprived muscle tissue and how much of it stems from improperly balanced second chakra? Something to think about anyway.

Bills, Maps, and the Lessons of Water

I got the bill finally from the whole hospital fiasco.  As it stands I'm over $5,000 in debt to Kootenai Health.  Next step is to go in and get the debt settled as much as possible.  In other news, I've been applying like mad for some other job.  It's so frustrating because I do really enjoy my job and I really love some of the people I work with.  But I can't survive on nothing and that's pretty much what this job pays.  It's a blessing that I'm still getting the pay increase for now but soon that'll be gone just like my hours are pretty much gone and then I'll really be up shit creek.  

In other, other news: I drew a map for my dystopian novel and I'm really quite proud of it.  I am either going to use colored pencils or watercolor to give it some life but I think I want to make a copy/scan of it first just in case I totally ruin it in the effort of trying to make it pretty.  Like the image below.

Last night was the Spirituality Circle in Spokane.  We talked about the element of water and it was really interesting and got my creative juices flowing quite a bit.  I have a great many things I want to do so that I can incorporate water into my daily ritual for health in body and spirits. 

Talking about water at the Circle brought up some really cool memories for me.  Cool and humbling I should say.  When I first went to Germany to volunteer for the Girl Scouts Overseas, I learned to canoe down the Main River (pronounced like 'mine').  Starunner, Eeek, and I (my camp name was/is Quetzal) all joined forces as team Colorado during the test run down the river.  We boasted of our natural talents having come from the land of white water and how we were going to show our prowess as Canoe Queens.  Well, of course, Team Colorado tipped right on over into the river.  We were the only ones who tipped in fact.  A small lesson in humility. 

Another memory where water kicked this Virgo's ass was when I worked at another summer camp, this one was in Post Falls.  Hannah and I went to work for a summer camp program as one-on-one aides for young adults with specialized needs.  I worked with one young individual who was non-verbal, a bit prone to violence, and a complete water hater.  Well... one of the outings found us all at a lake.  There was canoeing.  So of course I wanted to get out there and play!  I spent about half an hour convincing my client that I wouldn't let him get wet, that I was a professional at this.  And finally he let me lead him to the dock and then carefully down into the canoe.  He was doing well.  But then I stepped down into the rocking boat and it was all overboard from there.  I found myself standing almost knee deep in lake muck with a six foot teenager clinging to me for dear life much like a cat when faced with a bath.  He was not happy.  Hannah's clients however found it hilarious.  I was actually really proud of my client that day - he didn't freak out on me or get violent, he just stared at me with sad puppy eyes while I got him out of the lake and got him cleaned up.  

Computer, Spirituality, and the Little Things

In about a week I will have my new computer.  I purchased a Lenovo off of Amazon.  I got to see this model, touch it, play around with it at Best Buy and was pretty impressed.  I liked the keys and the mouse which were two of my biggest issues with the Vizio (the biggest issue of course being that it liked to shut off for no fucking reason).  I'm already tentatively calling it Lenny but we'll see what kind of personality shows up when it arrives.  It's a 15.6" screen which is pretty much run of the mill and it was under $400.  I almost purchased a really neat Acer at the Spokane Valley Walmart the other night but it was the display and I just didn't reel right about it.  So instead I went with this other route.  I really hope that this Lenovo and I can get along and be friends for a really long time. 

In other news, I attended the IEPG's Wiccan Spirituality Circle on Saturday night and enjoyed it immensely.  We talked about history and about the Wiccan Creed.  It had a nice energy and also coffee and apple cider.  It was awesome.  Our homework for the Lunar Cycle is to develop personal creeds for ourselves that feature our belief systems/feelings about how we operate within the world.  For me personally, I'm a bit eclectic when it comes to spirituality.  I lean toward Buddhist Philosophy, Heathenry, and Witchery.  I view spells as prayers to the universe and I think that people do better emotionally, physically, and spiritually when we connect to the earth and respect it as a living entity.  These are some of the things I'm going to work out in my Creed.  I might share it here.  I'm thinking it will be in poem form, or light prose.  We read the Desiderata at the Circle and it spoke to all of us very strongly.  

In other, other news I accomplished two things today: I helped my father program his new universal remote and I changed the bulb in my headlight.  It's not much, but small accomplishments are all I have right now.  Both cars have fuel, all the kitties are alive and well, I renewed my library books for more time, I faxed off my resume to another apartment job, and I have shaving cream.  Tonight I'm going to finish up some stuff for my Mentor, shave my legs, keep warm, and possibly drink some alcohol.  I'm really having a hard time with the season change.  The cold and the early dark add to my depression ten-fold.  I have to celebrate the little things to keep going.  So here's to a working headlight, a computer on the way, and a creed in the making.

Key, Refund, Chronology

A couple of quick updates.  First of all, on the work front, I've applied for a few positions but I don't think I'm qualified enough to even get interviews.  However, at the bra store, I am now a key carrier.  This is only a temporary position.  It would have been a permanent promotion if the current Third Key had been allowed to take the assistant manager spot, but she was denied.  So she will go on being Third Key and I will help as a temp key carrier until such time as my boss hires a full-time assistant manager.  Long story short, I get a bit of a raise and some great experience to put down on my resume.  It's pretty much win-win, too, because now when I leave I won't feel like I'm leaving them high and dry without a third key since they will still have one.

As far as the computer goes, I am pretty much at the end of my rope and I think that the people at Vizio have realized this.  After being promised a computer at the beginning of this month and still finding myself without, I told them today I just want a refund.  I would rather go and buy an Acer honestly.  Or anything other than another product from this company.  I don't want anything to do with Vizio, which is sad, because there was a time I really loved their products.  But this experience with customer service has soured me so thoroughly that I'm just done.  If they do actually send me my full refund I will march my happy ass out to Best Buy or Walmart or Office Depot or one of those and get me a decent computer for typing.  That is all I want.  I don't even care about Windows 8 anymore since 8.1 is much more user friendly in my book.  So maybe I'll be lucky and snag a great Black Friday deal for a new lappy.  But that all depends, of course, on whether or not I ever actually see my refund.  And I'm not counting any chicks before their hatched at this point.

Last update is that I have four things to finish up as soon as possible for my mentor: a contact (done), a page about the world including my premise (mostly done), a summary (done as soon as I figure out how the hell this thing is going to end), and a fully fleshed out chapter-by-chapter treatment/outline of the entire novel (started).  I have been meditating on this novel pretty much nonstop.  I'm not worried about the actual writing.  I know that I have wonderful friends who will help me iron out any rough spots that develop along the way.  My biggest problem right now is ending it.  I have a solid concept for the first part.  But the second is a different beast altogether.  What I would like to do is structure it this way: present stuff - past stuff - present stuff.  Which is one narrative structure that I do enjoy.  Another way I suppose is to employ switchback time with each of the protagonists - but that gets tricky and starts to look like a bunch of gratuitous flashbacks.  I don't know.  I really don't know.  My mentor wants it all laid out chronologically and that's fine... but I don't know if this is a chronological story.  Moving on, I've also decided that I want to try and write a query letter for the novel once I figure out the summary.  Hannah had to do this recently for a class and I thought she did a really terrific job!  I was inspired, thus, I now want to write one and see what my mentor thinks of it.

Nano update - I have 0 words according to the site.  I have several words according to what I've been doing but until I get some feedback on the full novel, I am not writing any scenes.  I want to have a path before I set up camp and live in it.  I have plenty of time now and I want this to be a good story.  My problem right now, I think, is that I'm over thinking it.  I'm making it increasingly more complicated with every step but even as I sit here writing this I think I have an idea for how to wrap it all up.  We'll see.  Wish me luck!

Extended Semester, Deep Breath, and Job Hunt

Fiend

Around midnight last night I had a panic attack and realized that I am not going to graduate.  A few days before Samhain/Halloween, the director of the program had indicated that I might consider an extended semester and last night I agreed.  There are so many reasons - the number one reason is that I really lost focus this past semester.  Sometimes it felt the world was against me.  Debt swallowed me up, I ran out of medication for a long time and felt some serious effects, I've been fighting for a replacement computer from Vizio for the past three months, and I've also undergone a very intense reinvisioning of my creative thesis.  But the good news is the last part - the novel is actually on track now and I know more about the characters than I ever thought I would.  

So I'm going to graduate in July.  I will take a crap ton of allergy medicine with me so that I can keep my voice long enough to do my reading and my class (summertime in Chestnut Hill is hell on my vocal chords).  And leading up to that time I have a caring and compassionate mentor behind me who believes in my story idea and wants, most of all, to see me succeed.  Instead of being her problem child I want to be a little feather in cap of students she's mentored.  We'll see how much of a feather I turn out to be, but I do believe this was the right decision for me at this time.  I've already cancelled the plane tickets and the hotels.  I'm sad enough to bawl at the thought of not getting to see my Solstice family but as one of my darling Solstice Sisters reminded me earlier, we're family and distance and time will not change that.

Sorrow for a God's End

Moving onward and upward, I'm going to make a schedule for writing, work, and exercise and do everything in my power to keep it.  What I would like to have happen is to wake up earlier and try to get more done in a day.  It's so hard though!  When I finally get my computer back I'm going to get settled into it and take it with me everywhere so I can write at any time.  Through all of this I also need to keep looking for a new job.  On my to-do list for tomorrow and Wednesday is to call Barnes and Nobles and let them know I'm more available now and see if they are still interested in further interviews with me (they said they would contact me in November).  In the mean time I'm going to have a serious talk with my boss about the third key position and ask her if she is considering me and what kind of pay and hours I could expect.  The thing is - I still need writing time, but I also know that if I had my own place that I would get a lot more done writing wise.  Damn these double-edged swords.  

Since I'm going to keep on working on my novel for now, I've decided to participate in National Novel Writer's Month.  I'll do some updates as November trucks along but I'm hoping for at least 25,000 words that I can polish up and put into the manuscript.  This novel is going to be one long mother fucker and keeping all my facts and scenes straight is another reason it's been hard to pump it out.  I have a better system now and if I work calmly and steadily (my mentor's words) then I think I will graduate in July with an amazing novel all ready to go!

A Glorious Halloween/Samhain!

This entire October has been one large celebration it seems.  The only downside to this has been the added stress to my writing time and concentration but that aside, last month was amazing.  To touch on a few highlights, I'll start with the Samhain ritual with the IEPG in Spokane.  It was wonderful and so poetic.  We ventured to the underworld via ferry (we used our imaginations a bit) and remembered our past loved ones as we celebrated the Pagan New Year.  The food was wonderful, the beverages were tasty, and I teared up a little thinking of those who have gone before me and how their spirit leaves a mark on me and even if they aren't related by blood (even if they are loved pets) they become my ancestors.  

After that we spent some time with the twins - finally got A to watch 'The Shrine' which was a big deal since she pretty much boycotts all horror movies.  It was nice to chit chat and I got to see B a little tipsy which is always fun!  We spent the night there on Wednesday night of Halloween week.  The next night was also spent away from home.  We went to Spokane to R and S's house to set up for the big party.  They offered us their house as a venue and it was perfect.  So we spent the night - I worked a bit on my writing upstairs while they started decorating.  The next day we finished putting up decorations (the house looked fucking amazing!) and did some running around for last minute food and drinks stuffs.  Hannah and I provided nachos for the party as well as the logistical things like plastic forks, plates, napkins, etc.  Hannah also baked a red velvet coffin cake for the occasion.  S made hot wings that were pretty much the bomb, and R made little weenies.  There were other treats and food items but those were the main things.  

We started drinking at six and the party picked up at about seven.  Through the course of the night we had about eighteen people in and out (some came early and left while others arrived a bit later and stayed to party all night long).  The best moments: 

• when Hannah stood before a mirror and said with innocent confidence, "I look like a Princess" 
• three-way slow dancing with S and R 
• discovering that drunk Hannah was using fake vampire teeth as a hair tie 
• wearing a rainbow wig and looking like a fucking rock star
• punch made of lemonade and hibiscus pomegranate vodka
• being drunk enough to really relax and let my pervy side shine without being obnoxious

C, R, F, Hannah, and I stayed up past three in the morning, talking about things that are going on in R's life right now.  She's such a wonderful woman and I think we definitely need to have a girl's night with her at some point.  Eventually we all crawled off to our respective beds.  I had a little bit of heartburn but other than that I slept like a woman who'd danced and partied and drank all evening.  The next morning was tear down and it went considerably quicker than the putting up.  From beginning to end, it was a great party.  I'm still a little high on the energy from the evening but the second I lay down I have a feeling I will crash like the Titanic.  That may be sooner rather than later because tomorrow is going to be an early and intense day.  I have to revise and edit about 100 pages of my creative thesis tomorrow (portions throughout).  I'm down to the wire now - I have to present a polished manuscript (or as polished as possible) to a second reader by the tenth of this month.  If they give the 'okay' then I will be able to graduate.  Everyone wish me luck!

Making the Calls, Writing the Stuff

Did the big girl thing and called Vizio and the Sheraton people.  Once again, the Vizio customer service representative told me a higher up from corporate will be contacting me within forty-eight hours.  We'll see.  I don't have much faith in the system at this point.  Also I went back and looked so see exactly how long I've been having issues with my computer and the first email I officially sent them was on 10/11/13.  Over a year ago is when I started having trouble.  It's pretty sad that I bought this computer specifically to help me through my MFA and I've used it for that purpose about... hmm... three or four months out of a two year program.  Shitty.  Anyway, someday my computer will come.  Or it won't.  We'll see.

The call to the Sheraton people was much more successful.  They got me put over to the Pine Manor College rate of $113 a night versus $199 a night.  That will be split three ways between Hannah, Eileen, and myself so it will actually be quite reasonable.  I'm excited for January and for Boston and for late nights in the dorms doing tarot readings and drinking.  And I'm excited for graduation!  But to get to that point I have to keep on trucking on the creative thesis.  

I wrote five pages single spaced last night and I'm decently happy with them.  More to come tonight and then I have to spend some time stitching it all together.  I think my Mentor was right when she said that this is going to be a long ass book.  My creative thesis isn't even going to tap into the real meat of the novel.  This is all the lead up and I'm finding it to be incredibly illuminating and helpful.  I'm getting to learn a great deal more about my secondary characters as well as creating a better rounded protagonist.  

Tomorrow I have work but this weekend is going to be another binge writing session.  I will get this damn book finished!  And after I am done with my MFA I am going to piece it all together and create something I can be truly proud of.  Or at least that is my hope.

Executioner and Hunter's YN by doubleleaf - I'm pretty sure this picture
is fanart for Assassin's Creed but I think they would make a pretty cute
 Death Man and Kylin all grown up and eating yogurt.