Five Minute Free Write... on Pussy *cough* Cats

As per Dani's prompt: a five minute free write based on the phrase "I can't understand the ways of a cat," I give to you a short exploration of the things I think about when I think about the kitties.

They are fucking disgusting!  They are the filthiest, nastiest creatures I've ever seen in my life.  I love them muchly to be sure, but that doesn't mean that they aren't gross beyond measure.  Poop cruts hanging off their fur as they hop up onto your lap or onto your fucking pillow!  Spasmodic coughing fits that produce hairballs and fluid of varying staining quality.  And kitty litter in the bed, always in the bed!  They lick their genitals for hours and hours and then, in the case of Ellie, they come over and cuddle up to you and lick your face.  They stick their kitty feces tainted paws on your mouth and do all these cute things so that you make sure to touch their nasty little bodies.  And they lick your ice cream and if you're Hannah, you shrug and continue eating.  I'm even getting this lax now, thank you very much, you wicked, patience obliterating, balls of fur.  But none of this is as bad as the mewling because they want more food and the bowl is already half full - so you give them more food and they scarf it down quickly and then promptly find the nearest electronic device that you cherish and they puke on it.  Hannah's cell phone was one such victim.  Computers, cords, remotes... you name it and they'll puke on it.  They puke in the bed.  And with kittens sometimes they even pee in the bed.  They're marking you because they love you.  No.  That's bullshit.  They're peeing in the bed because they are assholes and they are gross.

Believe it or not, I'm a complete cat person, but I stand by my reasoning that they are deceptively filthy.  Everyone thinks they are so clean and so easy to deal with, but what they don't tell you is that cats are liars.  Cats are beautiful and graceful (some of them) and they seduce you.  They are the prize wife that you marry so that you have a gem to parade around on your arm, but shortly after the nuptials you discover that she belches and farts and scratches her crotch.  All I'm saying is, don't be taken in by the 'cute;' they are just as nasty (and lovable) as any dog or younger sibling.  That is all.  On a positive note, Purina One (a recent food change) has all but cured our disgusting little babies of their puking, so there's that at least.

Amanda LaFantasie © August 2012