Then I told my boss about the pool party. She had asked if I was all done packing yet and I told her I hadn't even started that I better remember to bring a suit. She gave me the same sort of shocked and awed look that my coworker had and she shook her head saying she'd never go for something like that. Both of these women are a good deal older than me and both have a few extra pounds, but both of them are mothers and strong in their own rights. Why are they so damned afraid to be in a swimming suit? My boss even told me that she was impressed that I was going to participate because she was way to self conscious to ever do something like that. I know that when they look at me and see a big old gal (Rubenesque, as I like to call it) they find it hard to believe that I'm actually fairly comfortable in my skin. I don't like being heavy - I want to be thinner so that it's easier to find clothes. I want to be thinner so I look better in those clothes. And I want to be in better shape and healthier all around. But what good does it do me to hide away until such a time as I might be less of a 'big gal'? It occurs to me that maybe if I were a skinny-minny and had announced a pool party to my coworker and boss that they would have said 'oh, that sounds great, have fun!' and left it at that, but I don't think they were trying to make me feel bad - I think they just see some of their own physical flaws in me and immediately put themselves in my shoes wherein they decided that fun was a sacrifice they needed to make in order to hide.
My mother is a source of inspiration to me for many things but in this matter, she shines brightly. She has been heavy pretty much all her life and yet she never let it stop her from doing everything that a mom of average weight does with her children. She probably even did more than most mom's of our financial status did with their kids. She took us on hikes, took us to the pool, played with us in the pool, encouraged me to take dance, helped out with my brother's Boy Scout's troop, took us shopping, took us to Silverwood Theme Park, and all sorts of things like that. She didn't hide herself away all embarrassed because she was heavy. I don't hide myself away either. Some days I feel like I want to, like I am just gross and I feel like I'm going to break anything I sit in, or that I can't sit close to people because my fat will somehow rub off on them. But most days, I realize that I am what I am and right now I'm big and maybe some day that will change, but it isn't changing this very second so I might as well put on the damn suit and have fun with my friend in Boston!
Everything is so much harder when you are heavy. I own being fat and I own the fact that I often want to hide. But I've never let being fat stop me from swimming or going out to do things. If you stop, it's harder to get going again.
ReplyDeleteI'm still self-conscious about wearing a swimsuit. I usually wear a t-shirt and long shorts. I don't mind my size, it's the lumpy-bumpy cellulite that bothers me.
ReplyDeleteI was self-conscious even when I was trimmer because I had cellulite. I wish I could reach back in time and give myself a good, solid slap.
You know, the tide is turning faster when it comes to women and size. I'm seeing more and more large women laugh off the absurdity of the societal norm. More and more large women are refusing to be insulted, put down and humiliated about their size. Enough is enough.
I'm not condoning weight issues and I'm not precisely glad that the percentage of overweight people in the US is increasing, but 40 percent of Americans are overweight and that makes us an economic force to be reckoned with. Recently there was a backlash over the Abercrombie and Fitch thing. I was encouraged to see large women and large people in general pretty much laugh at the small, pettiness of it all. I didn't see very many butt-hurt responses to it. It was laughable, really.
In the past, I was often told "If you had better self esteem you'd lose weight." I was also told, "If you lost weight you'd have better self esteem." Which is it? Fuck that shit! My self esteem is not contingent upon how much I weigh. My weight is not a self-esteem issue; it's a dietary, hormonal, sedentary issue. I can have self esteem right now and it doesn't matter whether I ever lose another pound. This is the body I have. I live in it today. It brings me pleasure, is sometimes a pain in the ass, but it gets me around.
Society can kiss my ass and keep their nod of approval. I'll keep my Ben and Jerry's, please and thank you. ^__^
And boobies. I'll keep my boobies.