I've got my Masters, but the Journey is far from over!

The Residency was an emotional roller-coaster. For the most part it was exceptionally uplifting. But those were tempered by moments of great sadness. I will miss the family I've made at Solstice. I know they are still my sisters and brothers and I already have plans to see some of them again in the near future, but distance is difficult. And expectation is difficult. All four of my mentors were at this residency and they all four built me up in different ways. I am still in awe of some of the things that they said to and about me. Sandra in particular was tremendously supportive. She wants me to keep emailing her with my progress, letting her know where I am in terms of getting something out there. I'm at the point where the novel has turned into three novel and given me a larger scope through which to reveal all the delightful little secrets of my world. So I'm a bit overwhelmed you might say. And also nervous about the future.

One of my dear Solstice sisters has advanced cancer. I'm caught between eagerness for her to get her book published and create something immortal in her wake, and a fear to put any pressure on her at all. I want her to fight this beast. I want her to get better. Have a remission. Live another year. Love her family and enjoy each and every minute she has left on this earth. But I so want her to publish. Because I know that her time on this earth is running out very quickly. The odds are not in her favor and by this time next year the world may no longer have her in it. And this thought makes me shudder. I want her book out there so I can touch it and read it and love her in this sweet special way. She is a writer, which is to say her soul is a writer's soul and I hope, very much, that she will find a way to negotiate the drive of her heart and the needs of her writer's soul with the time she has left. I won't barrage her with 'my sympathy' but I will remind her whenever I can, that she is loved and that her work is necessary. 

My return to real life is proving to be a bit of a challenge. And in light of my dear friend's struggles, I feel guilty for each and every complaint. I am bitter over a coworker's constant need to try and exchange dates. I am upset that my car door will not open any more. I'm sad that I love my job yet must seek another one to make ends meet. I'm moody because the sunlit hours are growing shorter and shorter. I'm overwhelmed because I have bills to pay, a cat to groom, a room to clean, car tags to renew, a doctor's appointment to make, and people who need me when I'm not ready to be needed. But I also have good things. I have friends and I have my Hannah. One of my friends is going to keep doing packet exchanges with me to keep me writing. Another friend took Hannah and me out to lunch today and gave me a check for a lot of money as a graduation present. My cousin is coming to visit in a couple of weeks. And a Solstice sister is coming a few weeks after that. Another friend of mine is going to apply to Solstice and I'm so happy for her! And Hannah and I are going to write and submit and really push to get our writing lives started. 

The good with the bad, the beginning of this journey has been intense. I have to work tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it. But that's because what I really want to do is meditate for an hour then write a crap ton of cover letters to various literary magazines and get some of my crap out there. My goal is to have ten rejection letters by the new year. And who knows? Maybe one of those letters won't be a rejection. Still, I'll celebrate like hell if I get ten. That will prove to me that I'm a member of the writing community. That I've joined the literary conversation. And that's what getting an MFA was all about. 

On the eve of my last Boston adventure...

Well, it may not be my last Boston adventure. But it is the last one in this capacity, as a grad student attending Pine Manor College. I still have a few things to work on. I'm having the panic. Lots of the panic. Not as badly as I have in times past, but I'm definitely stressed and nervous and fretting. Tonight I'm over at my neighbor's house talking with her and Hannah about the section of my novel which I will be reading at the graduate reading. While there are many sections I really enjoy, I think the part where Matthias wins the 'tooth' game at the Arena is probably going to be the one I go with. I need to write a small introduction to the piece and then practice it a few times for pacing. When E graduated I listened to her during her practice run and I'm sure she will do the same for me. 

I'm worried about E. She just went through a really upsetting breakup and I hope that I can be a positive and wholesome distraction for her while I'm there. I'm also worried about the hotel costs and the costs of everything in general. I will have to sit down with her and chat when I get there. This education adventure has put me into mega debt which is okay because honestly it was worth it, but at the same time, financial stress is making me feel ill.

In other news I turned in my application to be part of the Pagan Ministry Council for the Inland Empire Pagan Guild. I think it was a pretty decent letter of interest if I do say so myself. I will know before I return whether or not I am accepted as a member of the council. Here's hoping that Hannah and I are approved.

My next post will be from Boston! I have a list of to-dos. I want to eat at Papa Gino's at least once, I want to do girly things with Eileen such as making our nails look fabulous for graduation, I need to get a shot glass of the Boston skyline for my coworker, and I want to do some tarot readings in the hotel room. I'm excited for the time at school as well as the time away from school. I am absolutely desperate to reconnect with many of my dear, dear Solstice Sisters and Brothers. Right now I feel like rambling and procrastinating and curling up in a ball and waving a white flag of surrender. Ugh. I want to go but I am also just done.

New Happenings in the Facets of My Life

I'm sitting here in a mild panic waiting to embark on the final leg of my graduate school career. So much has happened in the past month and so much is going to happen in the following month that I feel the best way to tackle this info-dump is through a list. And to make it even more palatable, I've divided it into Spiritual Life, Fictional Life, and Real Life. There may be some overlap as my fictional life typically overruns my real one.

Spiritual Life:

• Went to the annual camp out for the IEPG (Inland Empire Pagan Guild). This years theme was Hammered with the Heathens and we did get a bit hammered here and there. But when we weren't drinking, we had a great time interacting with friends in the community and trying new things, Such as: I led my very first ritual! It was my first time writing and leading. We performed a Nightmare Banishment Ritual with a My Little Pony twist to it. I actually had a wonderful time leading it and the feedback that I've received has all been positive. Already I'm excited to lead some more rituals in the future.
• Saw two Handfastings at the camp out! Both rituals were renewals of handfasting vows and intentions but they were both lovely and gave Hannah and me some ideas about our own future handfasting.
• Woke with the sun one morning and greeted the day. Saw a sea hawk nest complete with babies!
• Hannah and I have been asked if we are interested in joining the Pagan Ministry Council and both of us have said yes! We are going to submit our pleas for consideration to the full IEPG group sometime this week. If it doesn't work out that I am able to take part in the council, that's fine. I'm still gearing up for future rituals and classes. This is a great community and I will be part of it in any way I can be.

Fictional Life:

• In Dungeons and Dragons with the neighbors my character has finally gotten his memory back and, I was correct, he is indeed a prince! All sorts of crazy questing is happening right now and Hannah's character is starting to catch feelings for the irreverent 'live for the moment' barbarian. We'll see how that plays out. He has never had a real relationship before, not even a real friendship. Or at least not in the past thirty years. So for him this is all very new.
• Been thinking about Death Man a lot recently. I've decided that this November during the National Novel Writer's Month, I'm going to try and finish up some more of the draft as well as begin serious plotting for the overall structure which, I reckon, will be quite a bit different than it is right now.
• Working on finishing homework for the final leg of the residency. I want to really spruce up the stories that I submitted for workshop and maybe submit one of them for a magazine at some point. But the other piece is the first chapter to a novel. So that might be my future project for next year. We'll see how Death Man goes. So many novels, so little time. I must manufacture some time. 
• Been doing a little role-playing again in the past couple of weeks. Very little. Just a post here and there or maybe a couple a day when we're on a roll. But it's like a little treat to reward me for being good and abstaining from it for so long whilst finishing school. I am not going to let the RP take over my life, but I am going to enjoy the hell out of it as long as it doesn't interfere with other responsibilities including the November goal with my novel. Basically right now, the RP is a total excuse for vampire and werewolf conflict, lots of blood, and the fun in creating new rules for old supernatural entities. And I'm sure at some point there'll be sex. (If they all don't die first!)

Real Life:

• Had a lovely graduation party at my aunt's club house. Lots of my friends were there as well as a decent grouping of family. I made a little over $200 dollars from cards and well-wishers and that is basically going to feed me on my trip. The party was great because it was a pool party and that is the first time I've ever thrown one of those. It was certainly hot enough to merit it!
• SCOTUS! Finally a move in the right direction for this country. This year, for the first time in a long time, I'm proud to be an American. Hooray for marriage equality and boo on all the haters who truly believe that equal civil rights for all will somehow destroy the fabric of existence. In the words of Taylor Swift: the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, but I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake. Shake it off!
•  Got a surprise graduation mini-party at work. On Monday, when I arrived for the early morning meeting, I was greeted with a cake, a card full of monies, and a sign that said "Congrats Amanda." It was such a sweet gesture! 
• I'm on the hunt for a new job. Which is very bittersweet because despite the occasional drama at the bra shop, I really do love this job and the gals who work there. But it's time for me to get something that can provide for me and my mate while we continue to work on our fictional and spiritual lives. Today I'm finishing a cover letter and application for the Newspaper in Spokane. Wish me luck with it!
• Getting ready for the Residency. Homework, finalizing my class that I get to teach, and pretty much stressing about it on all levels. 

Creative Thesis is Done!

Tonight I sent in 130 pages in PDF format to be bound as my Creative Thesis. I cannot believe that I'm here. I truly cannot believe that I am graduating. This last semester was truly awful for me. I'm the reason it was awful. I let depression and insecurity following my illness in January, really destroy my drive and ambition. By the time I should have been editing a full manuscript I was still trying to compose and figure out the rest of the first part. So I figured I would NOT be graduating. I figured that I had wasted everyone's time. I'd wasted my mentor's time. Her energy and her effort. I'd wasted it all. But she didn't let me throw in the towel. In fact she got down right mean about it! Which is what I needed. Back when she first became my mentor I handed her over a metaphorical whip and said, go for it. Hit me with this whip until I feel it in the marrow of my bones. And in the end that's exactly what it took. I descended into the Great Below and was reborn. That might seem a pretty intense metaphor for graduating an MFA program, but that's exactly how it has felt. 

Tonight I'm turning in my end of semester evaluation. And then all I have left is to figure out the logistics and prepare for the residency classes. I'm frustrated because there's a new law in Massachusetts saying that all students have to have health insurance. Which wouldn't be such a big deal except that they want to charge me over $200 for the ten days I'm there in July. So I'm trying to figure out what to do about that, but aside from this little snafu I am just about ready. I have work tomorrow but then have a three day stretch. I'm going to get as much done for the residency as possible. I want to be able to relax in June when I go on the IEPG camping trip. After I get back from the residency I'm going to be applying for a new job. Also I'm going to bust my hump getting into a writing routine. Sandra has faith in me that I really can get published. And I'm starting to maybe have some faith in myself as well. Right now I feel like I have a world of possibilities opened up before me. So we'll just see what happens. In the mean time, I know for a fact that I am going to graduate and I'm letting this knowledge warm me up in a way I haven't felt in a long time.

Books, Books, and More Books!

Editing. That is what I have left for the intense part of the semester. Well and a little writing still. Which I'm going to work on a bit tonight. Basically I need to edit my annotated bibliography, my synopsis, and the last of the actual thesis. And then I'll be done with that part and can move onto the next bit which includes all the good stuff for the residency. I am excited for my class on dystopian world building and I'm really excited to get there and take some amazing classes with the people I've come to know and love. Also I have the best fucking ever wardrobe for this summer. I cannot wait to show it all off! My buddy, E, and I will be chic twins! 

I'm still incredibly sad that Hannah cannot go with me. I had hoped to make it work but financially it just isn't going to happen. But I am going to Skype with her a few times so I can at least introduce her to some of the people there. Especially M. I am very excited to see M. 

Something that's been taking up a great deal of my time lately has been reading. In the past week alone I've read four books. I can't believe it. I'm in a reading kick and I can't eat enough! Including a few more from the week before I've read:

1. The Sumerians by Elaine Landau - the book was a nice summary of the geography and social structure but severely biased by the author's Christian views.
2. Lugalbanda by Kathy Henderson - this was a gorgeous story with amazing illustrations and unlike the first book on the list, this one honored the ancient religion and culture that it detailed. Also this is a retelling of the oldest story ever written - over 4,000 years old!
3. Sexy by Joyce Carol Oates - YA done right. Heartbreaking in some places but in the end it covers everything that a young adult novel is supposed to - including a glimpse of hope.
4. Rape by Joyce Carol Oates - I adore the use of 2nd person POV in selected chapters and I was really surprised by the direction the novel took. And yet I wasn't surprised because Oates laid all the foundation work to guide me to the perfect and inevitable result. Very satisfying.
5. The Book of Lost Things by John Connolly - this book is a great example of bridging between YA and adult fiction. A sort of Narnia for the modern times. Loved the gay soldier.
6. We Were Liars by E. Lockhart - figured it out relatively quickly but that didn't diminish my enjoyment of the novel by any means. I adored the poetic flare of Lockhart's narration.
7. The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian - I was drawn to this book for two reasons: 1) it was banned and 2) it takes place on the Spokane Indian Reservation and Reardon, WA. I loved knowing the places that the narrator talks about and I also loved the cartoon snippets throughout the text. Great story filled with truths that only a diary style novel can get away with telling and lamenting. 
8. Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe - I really enjoyed this book. It can be a bit infuriating at times but the end makes everything so worth it. In fact, if I'm ever having a bad day and need a pick me up, I'll just read the last ten pages. So worth it. 

None of these books are very long, but even still, I finished them all at record speeds for me. I am usually a slow fuddy-duddy reader. Which is why I'm starting to realize that I'm just not meant for adult fiction. At least not meant for it primarily. I feel a draw toward YA and also when I read YA it not only feels right, but it helps me recall and analyze parts of my childhood that I had forgotten or hadn't really processed. In my heart I'm still about fifteen or sixteen and so these books speak strongly to me. No, I'm not still dealing with high school drama or trying to awkwardly figure out the opposite sex (or the same sex as the case may be) but people are people and they are their most beautiful when they are vulnerable. The coming of age stories in the YA I've been reading have all been marvelous. I definitely feel that my mentor and I made the correct choice in making Death Man much more YA than it had previously been. The next projects I am going to work on will also be YA. I just can't get enough of it! Even today at the library I picked up another YA novel. But I'm not going to let myself start it until I finish with all the editing that needs to be done.

So many books. So little time. I'm happy to have found my place. Which is really what YA is all about.

Final Stretch - I'm Gonna Graduate!

So I got the green light from the second reader - but on the condition that I fix the typos in the manuscript before I send it to my Mentor as the final packet and also before I send it to be bound. I'm experiencing a mixture of panic and relief. I want this to be perfect but, dear gods, I'm so freaking tired. Exhausted mentally and physically. I want a break but I don't want to dissolve into a puddle of goo and disappear either. I want to keep working on these projects and eventually write query letters and synopses and treatments and someday, just someday, get a damn book out there. I've been reading like a hungry creature lately (which hasn't helped me get my writing done but it's been very helpful in getting me into the YA mood). I read Sherman Alexie's 'The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian' and E, Lockhart's 'We Were Liars' and also Connolly's 'Book of Lost Things.' And some more Joyce Carol Oates obviously. Because as it turns out I'm a huge fan girl of hers. 

These books have been incredibly wonderful - even when they aren't necessarily pleasant. I have learned so much about pacing and dialogue (things that I was pretty decent with before but always, always, always striving to be better at) and I am excited to incorporate those things into the upcoming workshop pieces for the residency. So far the only things I have left to do: final comb through to fix typos for the Thesis, read a few things for residency, prepare workshop pieces and critique fellow pieces, rehearse my class a few times, and pack all the pretty dresses! Not too bad I suppose. Oh and I also have to register for classes, secure the hotel, finalize plans with my buddy, and send in evaluations. Okay so I still have a lot to do. But I'll get it done. I'm on the home stretch now! I can do it. I really, really can do it!

Sour Grapes and New Goals

So, now that we are really getting into the first month of 2015, I feel it's good to stop and reflect on how I 'do not' want the rest of the year to go.  So far I've been to the ER nine times, been called in for an interview with TSA only to be told I 'failed the interview portion of the airport assessment,' and I've had some serious monetary struggles due to missing work for my health.  From here, things can only go up.

I've adopted sour grapes as my motto for the first part of the year: I had been really upset at the situations preventing me from going to the MFA residency at the start of January but now it seems that providence was on my side.  I probably would have had to go to the ER in Boston and that wouldn't have been good for anyone, ergo, it's better that I ended up with the extended semester.  And it's good that I did not get the TSA job (even though the money and the benefits would have been amazing!) because I am not a robot in my work and I enjoy interacting with people more than stiffly shucking them through a line and I would have ultimately despised my job.  So back to the job hunt and better luck next time.

I have so many hopes and dreams for this year.  Instead of listing 'resolutions' I'm going to make a list of my overall goals for 2015 and they are pretty straightforward and, I think, very achievable. My Goals are as follows: finish my Creative Thesis and Graduate from Pine Manor College, get a better paying job, use better paying job to get an apartment for Hannah and I, move to Spokane, volunteer with the Spiral Scouts and the IEPG, enjoy and celebrate a dear friend's fall wedding, and begin preparations for a Handfasting/Wedding ceremony for Hannah and myself which is most likely going to happen in the spring or fall or 2016 or 2017.  I think all of these things are within my ability to accomplish.  

As far as smaller, daily goals that I want to start putting into practice: daily meditation and daily lesson, daily writing, and a rekindled effort toward better health through exercise and positive food choices.  Something else I want to start doing again is drawing.  I miss the connection of hand to paper, also my friend gave me a finger drawing table from Wacom and I think that actually might be something to start playing around with, too.

Writing and Me Part II: Being in an MFA Program

I'm currently in a low-residency MFA program at Pine Manor College.  The Solstice MFA Program, as it is called, kicks off each semester with ten jam-packed days on campus.  This means I get to go on a long-ass flight from the Northwest to the Northeast twice a year.  The traveling doesn't bother me, in fact it is one of the reasons I chose a low-residency program over a full.  The other reason of course is that there are no full residency MFA's in my area and I am not at a point in my life where I can relocate.  And yet, I prefer it this way honestly.  Less time in the classroom gives you more time to write.  Also this style of learning forces you to adopt an actual writer's lifestyle which prepares you for what it will be like after the MFA.

During the residencies we're busy from nine in the morning to nine at night and during meals and short breaks we meet and mingle and network.  Writers are pretty intense (not to mention odd) people in general, but brought together under compressed circumstances, they become, as our Director says, a bit radioactive.  We feed off each other's energies, we blossom with ideas, we taste humility, we taste exhilaration, and suddenly a mass of strangers become best friends.  Even after only ten days some of these connections will last a life time.  That is residency.

The rest of the semester is spent exchanging packets of creative and critical work with a mentor.  For me this has been tremendously helpful.  It is a writer's dream to write something and know for a fact that someone out there in the world - someone intelligent, accomplished, and published - is not only going to read your work, but critique it and offer advice entirely in your best interest.  I have appreciated every valuable moment spent with my mentors.  Each one gave me something different and now, in my final (and unfortunately, extended) semester, I am able to combine what I've learned all along to work toward my goal of a complete and polished manuscript.

MFA programs, honest ones at least, don't claim to get you published or make you famous; what they do promise is to work with you to improve your writing.  But that's not all I got out of the Solstice Program at Pine Manor.  I have a network of wonderful writers who just also happen to be wonderful people.  Writing is a very solitary practice, and that is why I think people need programs and conferences and workshops - to remind them that they are not alone on the journey.  We all take different paths to reach our individual goals but there's no reason to ford through the bad times alone.  On the flip side; it's also nice to have someone to give you a pat on the back during the good times as well.  We're all here for each other.  We might provide friendly competition from time to time, but we're not each other's enemies.  Some people learn this on their own, some people know this from the beginning, and some people, like me, relearn this beautiful fact by spending concentrated time at a residency.

Extended Semester, Deep Breath, and Job Hunt

Fiend

Around midnight last night I had a panic attack and realized that I am not going to graduate.  A few days before Samhain/Halloween, the director of the program had indicated that I might consider an extended semester and last night I agreed.  There are so many reasons - the number one reason is that I really lost focus this past semester.  Sometimes it felt the world was against me.  Debt swallowed me up, I ran out of medication for a long time and felt some serious effects, I've been fighting for a replacement computer from Vizio for the past three months, and I've also undergone a very intense reinvisioning of my creative thesis.  But the good news is the last part - the novel is actually on track now and I know more about the characters than I ever thought I would.  

So I'm going to graduate in July.  I will take a crap ton of allergy medicine with me so that I can keep my voice long enough to do my reading and my class (summertime in Chestnut Hill is hell on my vocal chords).  And leading up to that time I have a caring and compassionate mentor behind me who believes in my story idea and wants, most of all, to see me succeed.  Instead of being her problem child I want to be a little feather in cap of students she's mentored.  We'll see how much of a feather I turn out to be, but I do believe this was the right decision for me at this time.  I've already cancelled the plane tickets and the hotels.  I'm sad enough to bawl at the thought of not getting to see my Solstice family but as one of my darling Solstice Sisters reminded me earlier, we're family and distance and time will not change that.

Sorrow for a God's End

Moving onward and upward, I'm going to make a schedule for writing, work, and exercise and do everything in my power to keep it.  What I would like to have happen is to wake up earlier and try to get more done in a day.  It's so hard though!  When I finally get my computer back I'm going to get settled into it and take it with me everywhere so I can write at any time.  Through all of this I also need to keep looking for a new job.  On my to-do list for tomorrow and Wednesday is to call Barnes and Nobles and let them know I'm more available now and see if they are still interested in further interviews with me (they said they would contact me in November).  In the mean time I'm going to have a serious talk with my boss about the third key position and ask her if she is considering me and what kind of pay and hours I could expect.  The thing is - I still need writing time, but I also know that if I had my own place that I would get a lot more done writing wise.  Damn these double-edged swords.  

Since I'm going to keep on working on my novel for now, I've decided to participate in National Novel Writer's Month.  I'll do some updates as November trucks along but I'm hoping for at least 25,000 words that I can polish up and put into the manuscript.  This novel is going to be one long mother fucker and keeping all my facts and scenes straight is another reason it's been hard to pump it out.  I have a better system now and if I work calmly and steadily (my mentor's words) then I think I will graduate in July with an amazing novel all ready to go!

Making the Calls, Writing the Stuff

Did the big girl thing and called Vizio and the Sheraton people.  Once again, the Vizio customer service representative told me a higher up from corporate will be contacting me within forty-eight hours.  We'll see.  I don't have much faith in the system at this point.  Also I went back and looked so see exactly how long I've been having issues with my computer and the first email I officially sent them was on 10/11/13.  Over a year ago is when I started having trouble.  It's pretty sad that I bought this computer specifically to help me through my MFA and I've used it for that purpose about... hmm... three or four months out of a two year program.  Shitty.  Anyway, someday my computer will come.  Or it won't.  We'll see.

The call to the Sheraton people was much more successful.  They got me put over to the Pine Manor College rate of $113 a night versus $199 a night.  That will be split three ways between Hannah, Eileen, and myself so it will actually be quite reasonable.  I'm excited for January and for Boston and for late nights in the dorms doing tarot readings and drinking.  And I'm excited for graduation!  But to get to that point I have to keep on trucking on the creative thesis.  

I wrote five pages single spaced last night and I'm decently happy with them.  More to come tonight and then I have to spend some time stitching it all together.  I think my Mentor was right when she said that this is going to be a long ass book.  My creative thesis isn't even going to tap into the real meat of the novel.  This is all the lead up and I'm finding it to be incredibly illuminating and helpful.  I'm getting to learn a great deal more about my secondary characters as well as creating a better rounded protagonist.  

Tomorrow I have work but this weekend is going to be another binge writing session.  I will get this damn book finished!  And after I am done with my MFA I am going to piece it all together and create something I can be truly proud of.  Or at least that is my hope.

Executioner and Hunter's YN by doubleleaf - I'm pretty sure this picture
is fanart for Assassin's Creed but I think they would make a pretty cute
 Death Man and Kylin all grown up and eating yogurt.

WTF! Alternate Title: Things that Surprised Me During the Residency

I've been home from the residency for almost a week and I'm still processing a great deal.  I took a variety of classes and a few of them left a very definite impression.  My friend, E, taught a class on Point of View and it was a lot of fun and gave me some different ideas about my own work.  I was going to write a good portion of Death Man in second person (and I may still do that) but for now I'm going to stick with the 'traditional forms' and focus on structure more than anything else.  But it was still kind of amazing and I definitely want to write some second person for next residency workshop.  I'll probably make it gross... so, yeah, pretty much what I normally write.

Another class that left an impression was the flash fiction one.  Flash is a both harder and simpler than I had previously thought and while I definitely enjoy reading it, I don't know that I have a calling to write it much.  Then there was the class taught by David Yoo, concerning the openings of YA novels.  It was neat to look at different beginnings and really analyze the 'pow' sentence.  The last class I'm going to talk about here is Laure-Anne Bosselaar's class "You Reading to Me?"  Finally my Theatre Degree paid off.  I got a high five after my reading for her class.  She had some great tips and was so incredibly enthusiastic and energetic that I fell in love with her right from the start.  She was absent from prior residencies due to the death of her husband and so I hadn't gotten a chance to experience this wonderful person that everyone else seemed to adore - and now I get it.  I totally get it.  She's amazing.

Classes aside, I have to say that there were several things that surprised me this residency.  Several of my fellow MFA-ers were absent at the residency and it doesn't look like they are going to be coming back.  This is understandable because Solstice is a huge commitment and sometimes it's a matter of money, or timing, but in the case of one of the students it was apparently a falling out with the director.  And that is surprising.  I wish him the best, though, and I have faith that he will make a difference wherever he goes.  Something else that was surprising was that I had a very good time in workshop with Sandra Scofield.  And it was surprising that we didn't have to talk about that article that I hadn't wanted to read or talk about in the first place (less surprising and more of a relief to be honest).  Another surprise was second person.  That takes some explaining - but just know that it can be much more exciting than people give it credit for.

Graduation went off without a hitch, too!  For all the stressing and worrying over it that I did, it really came together and looked elegant and simple and didn't detract from the graduates or the overall relaxed feel of the after party.  In fact it was kind of perfect and that was a great surprise because I had nightmares over that shit!  Another surprise was getting to spend some time with J (an amazing writer who helped me embrace second person!), someone whom I didn't get to spend much time with before.  I had such a fun time talking to her about shared Catholic upbringing and all the brainwashing and guilt that went along with it.  Then we got to talking about Buddhism and at the end of our conversation (this was a completely sober conversation by the way) I realized, much to my surprise, that I needed Sandra as my mentor.  And I'm working on Death Man as my Creative Thesis instead of Summer of August Hunt.  Hence the 'WTF' in the title of this blog.  I never thought I would have put Sandra as my first choice (I did put her as second choice my first semester) but after less than a week of being her mentee, I'm so incredibly glad that I did.  Surprise, surprise.

Another surprise that wasn't exactly unexpected, was that Yoda finally passed away.  He was Hannah's soulmate and familiar for fifteen years.  He was my good friend and companion for the last six.  She took him in to be put to sleep while I was in Boston.  It was the night of the final graduate readings and I was sitting with J.C. and Mar when I got the text.  Yoda's gone.  And I broke down in a way I honestly hadn't expected I would.  I'd already had a good sobfest over him before I left, when he was still alive and I could hold him and cry on him and tell him I loved him.  But when I got that text I just lost it.

I feel a bit spoiled in a way because poor Hannah was in Idaho and while she did have my family and a few good friends around her, I had the entire Solstice family around me and I was very touched by how caring these writers could be and how sensitive they were, never giving off the 'oh, it's just an animal' vibe.  They understood and took me under their wings and I wish Hannah could have felt the hands on healing of such a community.  As it was she kept in most of her grief until I got home.  And I'm glad I'm here now to help.

And last surprise: we got a new kitten.  Not to replace Yoda by any means because you can't replace the great Jedi Master no matter how hard you try, but the kitten has helped to distract us from our emotional pain by causing physical pain with her delightfully razor sharp claws.  She is a pure delight and fits in perfectly.  She farts quite often, yet another sign of her belonging with Hannah and myself.  And right now, even as I type, she's curled up next to Hannah on the bed, passed out after a crazy run through the house including attacking of my feet, chewing of pencils, stealing my coffee, and knocking over everything I needed to work on homework for the night.  She's precious.  Her name is Narcissa.  Hannah spells it with only one 's' but I can't help myself.  I need the double 's' in there.  Also my parents have taken to calling her frog - or at least using frog as a verb for her every movement (she's frogging over there, she's frogging on your shoes, etc.).  Again, she's pretty much perfect for us right now, kitty farts and all.  Which is a pleasant surprise indeed.

Fourth of July and Other News

Yesterday, I worked all day long and wished our fifteen-ish customers a Happy Fourth.  I wanted to go to a Blue's Concert in Liberty Lake after work but we had a crazy late customer and by the time my boss and I finally got out of there, I was pretty much dead.  So I headed to my Aunt's house for some Polish Horseshoes, lots of nummy food, and good times with my two younger boy cousins.  They are both really fun and they really like Hannah and I.  We want to take them camping sometime this summer but it's just finding time.  The younger of the two, he's sixteen, really wants to hang out and has a very dry wit.  He told me as we were leaving, "seriously, we need to all hang out this summer, just the four of us, we can get drunk, or murder someone, I don't care, we just need to hang out."  It was kind of adorable.

Today I went to a potluck/water fight with the IEPG.  We had a good time.  It was very low key.  I had planned on playing with the kids and getting all soaked but I ended up spending my time chatting with the adults.  We brought donut holes because I'm a doofus and didn't buy the ingredients in time for what I had wanted to bring.  The kids really enjoyed the donuts though so it was all good.

In other news, our kitty Yoda is essentially on Hospice care.  He's an old diabetic baby that seems to have failing kidneys.  It will be a bad, bad day when he finally goes, but in the mean time we are going to cuddle and love him to bits.

In other, other news, I'm getting ready for the residency.  I leave on Wednesday.  I'm nervous and excited and still have quite a bit to do.  It seems I am always 'almost' ready but never fully prepared.  I know that this time around it's also because I'm so scared about the fact that many of my friends are graduating.  I want to extend this whole program out another couple of years just to cling to certain people including mentors.  I can't believe that in January I will be graduating.  Maybe.  If I can get a good solid thesis done and ready to go.  Hah!  It's very much go-time for me, but I think I'll be okay.  I know what I need and that's more library time.  For some reason I'm very productive at the library.  I think it shall become my home away from home once more this next semester.  My last semester.

Self-Inflicted NaNoWriMo

Who wants to join me in June?   I have a few things I have to finish up this month and then I'm going to embark on a journey of fifty thousand words.  Or at least fifty pages.  I'm going to get a jump start on my creative thesis so that after the residency I can actually finish this damn book!  I'm going to work on The Summer of August Hunt instead of Death Man.  I adore the latter but I just have no direction for it.  The former, on the other hand, I have completely mapped out.  Part of me wonders if I should ask for Randall Kenan as a mentor since this type of story is right up his alley (the whole magical realism thing) but my first choice, I think, is going to be Steve.  Honestly, it depends what I am able to get done of it before going as well as who is most receptive to the story idea.  Sterling Watson really enjoyed the writing for this story but he did mention the genre is not his cup of tea.  He would give wonderful feedback in technique and composition but I wonder if I need someone who will also enjoy going through the pages (there will be a lot of them and I don't want this to be a painful process for me or my mentor).  I will present my idea to several people and just see what sort of happens.  I'm taking David Yoo's class and am actually going to use the very beginning of this novel as the example for it so we'll see if he leaps at the ideas contained within or if he raises an eyebrow at me.

It's strange.  I always thought it would be Death Man.  A friend suggested that I write a few novellas for Death Man and I may try that later.  For now though, I think what I have on my hands with The Summer of August Hunt is a fairy tale of sorts and the structure is just so clean.  I know that the writing is what generates the story (in fact I pretty much can't write unless I have my hands happily arched under QWERTY row) but to have a sort of grand-master plan is going to be a tremendous help in getting the story out quickly and cleanly.  I love the characters in the story and while it's geared toward a Young Adult audience it doesn't pussy-foot around the big issues of the time including who or what you can trust.

In the meantime, I have a few things left!  I have to read Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins, read the article for Eileen's class, prepare three reading segments (one of those can be written at the residency), prepare for David's class which entails bringing in selections from YA novels as well as a selection from my own, and do one last read through of my critical thesis and ship it off to Tanya and Meg!  Most of this will be done either tonight of early tomorrow.  Adding to my list of to-dos however is a job interview at 11:30 tomorrow for Professional Transportation Inc.  I forgot that I had even applied for them!  All the other jobs have said no.  So we'll see how the interview goes tomorrow with PTI.  There's one more job I'm going to apply for and it's for the Liberty Lake Library heading up the Young Adult and Children's section.  I want this job so bad that my gut hurts just thinking about it.  It's in Liberty Lake which is more of a drive than I had wanted to worry about for a job, but it's everything I've ever dreamed of.  It is one part book stuff, one part education, and one part kids.  It's perfect.  I have until June 13th to get the application for that done, but again, I'm hoping to get all of this stuff done before the first.  Oh and I have my end of term evaluation to do!  That will also be tonight, I hope.

During June the only things I want to worry about are: writing SoAH, reading and critiquing workshop pieces, work, a few camping dates, and getting my ass in gear exercising at the Kroc.  What I have to work on most, I think, is time management.  I want to make sure I give my girlfriend and family a good portion of my time, as well as spend time playing with my friends.  I can do all of this if I just figure out which hours of which day need to go to which activity.  I know that at work I can get a good deal of work-shopping done (we still have slow moments here and there), and on the days I don't work I can work my buns off at the library or at home or even at my friend's house writing on SoAH.  This will come together.  I know it will.  It freaking has to!  There's one more thing I have to worry about and I want to work on that tonight as well if there's time: getting all the graduation plans in order.  I actually have a pretty good idea of what I want to do.  If I can, I'm going to do a quick digital design of how I envision the decorations going.  But that may have to wait a day or two (perhaps it could be a fun project to do with my more digitally savvy friends).

Haboo! Seattle Trip

Octopus lady

We left on Friday at exactly 6:00 am.  It was dark, snowy, icy, windy, and freezing!  Hannah drove first and it took a little bit for her to feel comfortable behind the wheel of old Optimus again but after a few wiggles (which were because of the wind and the bizarre striations of the road) she did beautifully about half the way to Seattle.  We stopped here and there for stretching and pottying, but other than that we rocked out to dark wave music and talked about stories and other various things that popped into our minds.

Pretty soon, I took over and while Hannah napped I put in Ziggy Stardust and sang so hard I could feel my vocal nodes saying hello again.  Two passes down (and I might I add that both passes were dry and pleasant) we finally came upon Issaquah, which is one of the most picturesque cities I've ever seen.  The residential streets remind me of San Francisco while the surrounding area reminded Hannah of Estes Park, Colorado.  It was gorgeous!  We met up with my Aunt Bunny and had lunch with her, her daughter-in-law, and her two adorable grandsons.  After lunch we took the 405 to the 522 and made our way to Monroe.  I just want to say right now that I rocked the driving on this trip - a few years ago I would have been lost, afraid, hiding in a corner, rocking back and forth saying 'I am pretty, I am pretty' when faced with Seattle Metropolitan driving.  But this weekend, I rocked it.

We spent Friday, Saturday, and Sunday with my good friend and poet from the MFA program, Mama V.  Friday night was Denny's and chill night, while Saturday was filled with wedding dresses (Mama V.'s best friend had a final try on at David's Bridal and she looked just gorgeous in her dress!), Old Spaghetti Factory Mizithra cheese is my new obsession), a few fun stores here and there and then an evening in Redmond listening to a wonderful Native American storyteller, Paul.  He told traditional tales, played songs on his flute, sang for us, drummed for us, and imparted the wisdom of the Elders unto us.   His mother was there too and she told us some stories from her life.  One of my favorite stories was the Octopus Lady and Crow - click here to see Johnny Moses tell the story.  During the storytelling, Paul would use the word 'haboo' as a way to keep the audience engaged and make sure that they were still listening.  He'd pause and lift a hand to his ear and we had to say 'haboo' to get him going again.  I thought it was fantastic.

Something else that was fantastic about that night: we gathered in a small cabin house in the park and Paul stood there before a large window, playing music, telling us stories, using every part of his body to bring the characters and the music to life and behind him, through the glass, it was snowing.  It was a beautiful scene.  And it kept snowing and snowing until we were unable to go to church the next morning.  Mama V is a UU and Hannah and I were both very excited to check out a service that is not only non-denominational but also accepting of non-Christian forms of spirituality as well.  That didn't work out this time but there is always next time and there is a UU in Coeurd'Alene, so we might get brave and go on our own some time.  The rest of Sunday was spent being lazy at the house (by lazy I mean we stayed in comfy clothes and huddled up inside) doing homework, brainstorming, talking, and drinking tea.

We headed back into Seattle the next morning (we were going to head up to Granite Falls to see the Tsubaki Grand Shrine but the snow and slush sort of dissuaded us) and I rocked at the driving once again!  I got us to Uwijamaya after only looking at the directions on the computer and then flying blind, oh and we didn't even have to pay for parking because we purchased enough inside to validate the parking stub.  It was pretty sweet.  Uwijamaya is sort of like a conglomeration of several stores in one huge building in the International District of Seattle and Hannah and I have wanted to go there ever since one of our friends told us how much she had enjoyed it while she had lived in Seattle for school.  We went, we saw, we bought, we conquered!  And then we went in search of the Space Needle.  I kept calm and fought the one-way streets and bizarre intersections and then, just as we gave up trying to find our way to the Needle, we glimpsed it through a break in the buildings of the Seattle skyline.  The glimpse was all we needed and so we made our way back to the I-90 (the only option at this point being East since we were literally as West as we could be!) and returned to my Aunt's house in Issaquah.

From there, plans changed.  Snoqualmie Pass was unpassable: there was snow, slush, freezing rain, a temperature below freezing, and chains required on all vehicles without four-wheel-drive.  Well, needless to say, my Aunt and everyone decided that we should stay the night.  We did.  I had to call work and tell them that I wouldn't make it in the next day - I think that is the third time in over a year I've had an absence.  I feel bad about it but I figure Gina would rather find someone to cover me than have to find a dress to wear to my funeral.  Anyway, with that decision made and all the necessary parties made aware, my cousin (my Aunt's son) took us out to a wonderful dinner at Olive Garden.  Hannah and I felt so spoiled.  And my little cousin's (my Aunt's grandsons) were just too adorable for words!

The next morning, after a little breakfast and after giving the sun time to rise and help the pass be a bit more amiable, Hannah and I got on the old I-90 again and started for home.  We made great time and excellent gas mileage (about 27 mpg in a decade old car).  Now that we've made the trip, just the two of us, I'm excited for making the trip again in future.  There's so much to do, so many groups to get involved with, wonderful culture, and very dear people in West Washington that I just can't imagine staying away for long.

Sherlock, Uglies, and Vignette Rises from the Dead!

Today was a busy day.  I called Geico and got my policy changed from 'broke car' to 'running car' and then spent about an hour talking to a very helpful woman at Vizio repair.  I've sent in my computer to the factory where they gave her a new motherboard, then I reset the battery, and today, guided by the woman on the phone, I reset Vignette back to factory settings.  Twice. Because the first time I fucked up my wireless by deleting shit I shouldn't have.  Moving right along.  She is now alive and running and I'm getting her back the way I want her - all that remains to be seen is if her little 'spontaneous shut down' problem is truly fixed or not.  Time will tell.  I just hope if she's fubar that she shows it soon because my warranty runs out in April and I don't have the money to just arbitrarily get another computer.

After the reset, Hannah and I went to the library and did some serious reading.  I read about a hundred pages of Scott Westerfeld's The Uglies.  I had to leave with only ten pages left!  I had to go to work for an hour meeting.  We're getting quite the variety of new bras in the next few months and I'm pretty excited about that, but mostly during the meeting I just keep thinking about the damn book and wondering how Westerfeld planned to wrap up the enormous clusterfuck that the characters had gotten into.  When I got home, I quickly finished it and realized... oh... he didn't wrap it up.  Not really.  He ended it in such a way that you have to go and get the next book!  Which I will be doing soon.  Not right away because I have lots of other stuff to read for this semester, but that clever little author has made it pretty much impossible for me not to keep going.

Cursing at the book under my breath - and apparently in loud overtures as well - I had some dinner and then the girlfriend and I settled on the bed for some BBC Sherlock.  We finished the second season tonight.  It was really great.  I didn't think I would be such a Sherlock girl but in the end, I have found it to be ridiculously enjoyable.  I also love that each season is only three episodes long - this allows me to indulge in a full season while not having to be completely and utterly unavailable for other things.  Like, well, homework.  Speaking of homework, my mentor sent me her response to my first packet and it was a wonderful and insightful response that was filled with pretty much exactly what I needed to hear to make me feel better about moving forward with the critical thesis and my creative work.  I think, if I buckle down and really do what I set out to do, this will be a great semester for me.

Done with Packet 1 of Semester 3!

I sent it off at 8:00 am.  I had it all done last night and would have sent it off but, wouldn't you know it, the internet went out.  Of course.  The first time in my life I have a packet ready to go before the actual due date and I can't even prove it!  Well, it wasn't too much of a problem.  I got everything sent out in the morning and have already been emailed by my mentor - the fabulous Laura Williams McCaffrey - that she received it and will get me a response either Sunday or Monday.  That means I have until about Monday before I have to get all nervous about critical writing again.  And in the mean time I can read and I can also write on Death Man.

The beginning - as I learned in Robert Lopez's class at residency and as I learned from reading Crawford Killian's Writing Science Fiction and Fantasy - gives one all the necessary clues to figure out the ending.  This isn't a spoiler per se - it sets up the thematic logic that will drive the story toward an ending.  It gives a certain amount of foreshadow and also sets the tone of the piece.  This is difficult for me concerning the Death Man - obviously it's a dystopian work and has no choice but to end with hope or hopelessness.  I want there to be a message of hope.  Even a small one.  And so there has to be some kind of 'innocence' and 'determination' in the beginning that carries through to the end.  The 'hope' character might not even be the main character but the impression left by him will drive that innocence and determination forward.  This sounds kind of complicated.  I guess what I'm saying is that I'm having a hard time deciding on an opening scene.  I am thinking of starting it the day the Death Man really starts to be formed; the day the Luminary's wife sends him to the Arena.

I'm thinking that we might do some library time tomorrow.  I'll get my Pan's Labyrinth soundtrack going and just let my characters do as they will.  By the next time I have a packet due, I want to really be able to give Laura something polished and decent - something that will interest and impress her.  She's a dystopian writer and I am very much looking forward to her ideas concerning my story's world.

We are reaching Critical Mass!

I still have quite a bit to do before next Thursday but I am confident I can accomplish a fair amount in the next two days.  I have to keep going on the introduction for the critical thesis and I have to finish the outline.  I also have to work on the artist's statement and cover letter.  BUT!  I have finished two books: Feed by M.T. Anderson and Writing Science Fiction and Fantasy by Crawford Killian.  I have started a few others and will probably finish off Asunder by Robert Lopez and More Daring Escapes by Steve Huff while at work on Tuesday.  We've had ridiculously slow days at work which sucks for the store but is great for me getting some reading done.  What I really, really want to do tomorrow or even late tonight is work on Death Man a little.  I've gotten such amazing feedback on it and I'm proud that the few snippets my workshop group has read has sparked such furious and animated debate!

Goals for tonight: keep on reading The Uglies by Scott Westerfeld, and also The Book of Execution by Geoffrey Abbott.  At least a little bit on each before bed.  And try and get out a little on Death Man - either editing/revising the first scene (which may or may not even be the first scene anymore), or trucking ahead on the violent initiating incident of the novel.

Things yet to come: I am eager for my W2 to finally show up so I can get my taxes done.  I think that I have quite a handsome return coming which is nice because all of my student loans went to the vehicles.  It was a necessary expense but kind of depressing, too.  Still there is an upside!  We have my Kia back which gets better gas mileage than the Jeep and it will make trips down to Moscow a great deal cheaper, but it will also allow us to go to Seattle and visit some friends from the residency.  This is something we've been wanting to do since shortly after my first residency but just never had time or money for.  Well, right now we are tight on money but I have some spare time (the time I'm not actively using for homework) because work is so unbearably slow.  We are planning to head over the second weekend of February for just the weekend.  I figure the five hour drive over ought to give us a little reading time.

The other thing going on is that Vignette, my cute little Vizio computer, is acting up again.  She's shut off (completely randomly and under different circumstances each time) three times now.  I'm very aggravated.  I just got her back from the Vizio people who said they repaired her.  My warranty only lasts until April.  I really think they might just need to give me a new one because I can't do a damn thing on this computer without harboring panic that it will go up in a puff of smoke the next time Vignette decides to just shut down for no reason at all.  We'll deal with that tomorrow when I call them up again.  In the mean time, onto some reading, some playing, and some writing.

Post Residency Rambling

I've felt like writing poetry lately.  I've hurt very much this past month, I've ached, I've sobbed, I've been self destructive in ways that I haven't been in a very long time.  I want to stop all of this and find joy again.  It will take time and I know that.  I didn't really do an update about the residency in Boston - couldn't get past the fog of ache, couldn't stop having panic attacks and clutching in vain at the knot in my tummy - but the residency was a fruitful one as far as education and friend-networking went.  Now I have to put my focus into the critical thesis, meditation, and continuing on in my creative writing.  The first packet is due in a week and I need to have a thesis statement, an outline, and an introduction all written out.  Also I need my artist's statement, cover letter, and about ten pages of creative work.  This may not seem like a lot of stuff to do, but it's hard to tell myself to care sometimes.  It's hard to push past the swirling emotions in my head to concentrate on doing anything that involves the future.

Things I learned at the residency: I like spinach.  I actually love spinach!  This was quite surprising as I have never voluntarily consumed it before.  I learned that at the Logan Airport, Terminal E trumps Terminal A.  I learned how to navigate the T by myself and that was an awesome feeling.  Also dialed a taxi cab for the first time in my life!  Got laughed at by the dispatcher (which was sad) because it was in the middle of a blizzard and they 'no way, no how' were going to be able to come pick me up.  I learned that a quarter of a mile in knee-deep snow is beyond my abilities to travel. 

I did start Feed by M.T. Anderson.  I really like it and it's going to be a fast read, something for which I am very thankful for.  Some of the other books are going to take much longer.  I have some ideas though, for the critical thesis, and that's something.  There is still a maelstrom inside me, a constant flux of hope and darkness and fear, oh so much fear, but reading and writing has helped.  And my friends have helped.  And Hannah has helped.  People have been so good to me through this and it kills me because all the stress, is stress I brought on myself.  On Facebook there is a meme that goes something like this: smash a plate on the ground, now say sorry, and realize that just saying sorry didn't put it back together again.  I feel like I've broken so many plates.  Too many plates.  But I guess breaking plates is better than just using cheap plastic dinnerware and never really feeling anything more than passing affection.  That probably doesn't make sense.  I do enjoy a good mixed metaphor from time to time.  *sigh*

There are a few things that I know for sure about me: I am incredibly lucky to have friends and family who stay by my side, who love me through my worst and cherish me through my best.  I know that life takes people on different paths but we are all on the journey together and that it is a great honor and privilege to be there for each other in good times and bad.  I know that I need time to heal, and that I'm fragile.

Moving on.  I have to move on.  I have to try and embrace the future.  It's hard.  In fact it's impossibly hard. So for now, I'm going to try and focus on each day and remember that I am loved.  My name means deserving of great love and, honestly, I've never felt that I deserved anyone's like, never mind their love.  But deserving or not, I am so very thankful for the people I have in my life.  I'm literally brought to tears over it.  I am a ridiculously needy creature and without the comfort of my friends and loved ones, I really am nothing.

Residency and the New Year

A final list of things I need to get done before heading off to Boston: find a picture for the flashback class, practice reading my piece for Steve's workshop, write about the pieced of music for Randall's workshop, finish reading two workshop pieces (I've really loved them all so far!), read the Atwood short story, read the Unseen Mind, and finish reading the Loss of Face article.  Also, print out Poetics.  The only classwork stuff I have to do is for Sandra's Critical Thesis class and Steve's Stone by Stone class.  That might sound like a lot but it's not.  Most of this will be done between tonight and tomorrow and then I also have lots of time during the first two days at the Residency to polish up and prepare.  But I figure I'll be spending most of that time catching up with my Solstice family.  A few other things I want to work on is narrowing down my ideas for a Critical Thesis as well as deciding which novel to work on for my Creative Thesis.

Along with the Residency comes the New Year and I have a few goals in mind for 2014.  Some of them of a literary nature while others are of a kinky nature.  Literary wise: I want to write a comprehensive synopsis for Death Man, I want to edit/rewrite/polish over 50K words for Death Man and for Summer of August Hunt.  I also want to write a backwards forwards poem - the kind you can read two different ways and I already have an idea for that involving Death Man.  For the kinkier goals I definitely want my nipples pierced and want to become proficient at needle play and medical staples.  Health wise, I would like to lose some weight (just like rest of America *sigh*) and just be healthier all around.  I want to die my hair, wear more make-up, and start taking vitamins.  Other things that I want to work on is getting back into my art.  I am thinking that for the Residency I'm going to bring an artist's sketch pad instead of a laptop.

Good Feedback, Good Feelings

I'm feeling pretty good today despite the horrific dreams I was having only a few hours ago - dreams that made me cry out and whimper so much that Hannah had to shake me awake.  Well, I'm awake now and drinking coffee and I just got done checking my emails and was delighted to find a very positive and uplifting assessment from my MFA mentor.  It has kind of made my day and I am making brain stew (putting in all his suggestions and questions and letting them mix with what my friends and I have talked about concerning the story) and thinking that later today I might try my hand at peeking inside the brain of Eugene Cartwright.  He was conjured into being by the fact that I needed a 'bad guy' and as his essence formed, it became clear that he is not all that bad.  He's tragic and frustrated and, as Sterling points out, he's one of the most interesting characters in the novel synopsis.  And he very well may be the protagonist, or at least a co-protagonist.

I'm also feeling pretty good because this weekend is the family Christmas party (the big one for the entire clan) and I was able to get time off from work so that I can attend.  On a Christmas note, I do need to get on my Christmas letter and get some cards sent out.  Today will be a 'finish up the last bit of the semester day' as well as a 'get rolling on Christmas stuff' day.  Hannah and I want to have a little date, just some lunch out together, but we're both slugging through the morning with a decided lack of zeal and ambition.  That's okay, though.  We'll wake up and get to business soon enough.  Right now I'm still kind of dazed and contemplative.  My dreams were really upsetting and Sterling's email was really exciting and with both of those mixing inside I feel anxious and eager.  I'm so ready for the third residency.  I hope that it goes smoothly and that I am able to reboot all of my creative and literary efforts.

This next semester will see me working on my critical thesis.  I'm nervous about it, but not all that nervous.  I'm waiting to hear back what my mentor thought of the critical thesis ideas I sent him, but even if he decides they are all a bust (and I usually go with his suggestions/decisions because, for the most part, they are solid gold) I won't worry too much.  There will always be other options.  In other news I still need to get my little computer sent in, but I do think it's too late to be able to have Vignette at the residency, which is a shame because she made the in class writings go so much better and also allowed for me to take notes that *gasp* I was able to read later since there's no preset font on Microsoft Word called 'Amanda's excruciatingly undecipherable handwriting.'  My friend has a small computer that she says I am welcome to borrow and I might take her up on that.