The Penis and Me

EDIT: The glorious penis picture (wherein the penis was completely body painted over with white and then dotted with huge primary color polka dots) has been removed due to a change in adult content policy.  Please enjoy the replacement dick!

I nearly killed my boss a few days back - not with an ax, but with laughter.  She and I were talking about Christmas letters and families and she asked about me and Hannah.  She wondered if we'd ever dated men and how did we know we didn't like them.  Well, we do like men.  Both of us.  We like men a great deal.  But our love isn't based on each other's genitalia.  So my boss took this in and then asked if our families knew that Hannah and I were together.  Yes, everyone knows.  Everyone except her grandparents.  They know (we think they know) but they won't acknowledge it.  Which is fine.  They are super Christian and on top of that they come from a generation of 'don't hang your dirt laundry out for others to see' and as long as they still love me and call me their 'other' granddaughter, I don't care if they admit to themselves the true nature of my relationship with Hannah.  They are nothing but pleasant toward us and that's good enough for me.  It breaks Hannah's heart a little because she wishes she could invite them to our wedding, but at the rate the 'wedding' is coming along we probably won't have to worry about Grandma and Grandpa at all because it's not going to happen until we have the money to do it right and that might be many, many years down the road.  Still, if they are here, it would be nice if they would come.

So we talked about this for a few minutes and then my boss wondered if there was anyone on my side - friends or family - that didn't know I was with a woman.  The truth is, I've told everyone of my dear friends that I am in a relationship with Hannah, except for one friend who lives in California.  I've sort of left it as a 'she probably knows' arrangement because this is the friend who, in college, spoke very frankly about how sad it was to her that all the gays were going straight to hell.  This is also the friend who once said to me, "Amanda, I've had some friends who I wondered about, but with you, I definitely know you're straight.  You will never, ever get with a woman because you are way too obsessed with penises."  Yes, I admit it, I think penises are fantastic, hilarious, delightful, and user friendly.  I didn't used to think that way.  When I was kid I often drew men in positions of power over women and their penises would be a huge snakes or something similar.  But I got older and less afraid of the mythical creature known as 'a dick' and in college I became very familiar with a few.  Not 'too familiar' mind you!  But familiar.

And that's when I pretty much killed my boss.  She cackled at my rendition of my friend saying, "Amanda, you see penises in EVERYTHING!"  And she nearly started crying when I listed off a few of the things I automatically regard as phallic: bushes, shadows, trees, air... you get the idea.  Anyway so, of course, I've been hesitant to tell my friend that Hannah and I are a couple because she might think my enjoyment of penises (or is it penii?) was a complete ruse.  She might think that everything about me was a ruse.  Her head might explode and there might be a snow storm in Jamaica.  Who knows?!  But after talking to my boss, I decided that playing chicken shit is no longer the way to go.  In Christmas letters of the past I've spoken of Hannah and I as 'we' and 'us' and talked about 'our' cats, but this year I put it out there plainly as one of the things that hasn't changed in 2013: "Hannah and I are still together."  Two girls.  Yep.  Now please enjoy this dick.