I've felt like writing poetry lately. I've hurt very much this past month, I've ached, I've sobbed, I've been self destructive in ways that I haven't been in a very long time. I want to stop all of this and find joy again. It will take time and I know that. I didn't really do an update about the residency in Boston - couldn't get past the fog of ache, couldn't stop having panic attacks and clutching in vain at the knot in my tummy - but the residency was a fruitful one as far as education and friend-networking went. Now I have to put my focus into the critical thesis, meditation, and continuing on in my creative writing. The first packet is due in a week and I need to have a thesis statement, an outline, and an introduction all written out. Also I need my artist's statement, cover letter, and about ten pages of creative work. This may not seem like a lot of stuff to do, but it's hard to tell myself to care sometimes. It's hard to push past the swirling emotions in my head to concentrate on doing anything that involves the future.
Things I learned at the residency: I like spinach. I actually love spinach! This was quite surprising as I have never voluntarily consumed it before. I learned that at the Logan Airport, Terminal E trumps Terminal A. I learned how to navigate the T by myself and that was an awesome feeling. Also dialed a taxi cab for the first time in my life! Got laughed at by the dispatcher (which was sad) because it was in the middle of a blizzard and they 'no way, no how' were going to be able to come pick me up. I learned that a quarter of a mile in knee-deep snow is beyond my abilities to travel.
I did start
Feed by M.T. Anderson. I really like it and it's going to be a fast read, something for which I am very thankful for. Some of the other books are going to take much longer. I have some ideas though, for the critical thesis, and that's something. There is still a maelstrom inside me, a constant flux of hope and darkness and fear, oh so much fear, but reading and writing has helped. And my friends have helped. And Hannah has helped. People have been so good to me through this and it kills me because all the stress, is stress I brought on myself. On Facebook there is a meme that goes something like this: smash a plate on the ground, now say sorry, and realize that just saying sorry didn't put it back together again. I feel like I've broken so many plates. Too many plates. But I guess breaking plates is better than just using cheap plastic dinnerware and never really feeling anything more than passing affection. That probably doesn't make sense. I do enjoy a good mixed metaphor from time to time. *sigh*
There are a few things that I know for sure about me: I am incredibly lucky to have friends and family who stay by my side, who love me through my worst and cherish me through my best. I know that life takes people on different paths but we are all on the journey together and that it is a great honor and privilege to be there for each other in good times and bad. I know that I need time to heal, and that I'm fragile.
Moving on. I have to move on. I have to try and embrace the future. It's hard. In fact it's impossibly hard. So for now, I'm going to try and focus on each day and remember that I am loved. My name means deserving of great love and, honestly, I've never felt that I deserved anyone's like, never mind their love. But deserving or not, I am so very thankful for the people I have in my life. I'm literally brought to tears over it. I am a ridiculously needy creature and without the comfort of my friends and loved ones, I really am nothing.
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