The Residency was an emotional roller-coaster. For the most part it was exceptionally uplifting. But those were tempered by moments of great sadness. I will miss the family I've made at Solstice. I know they are still my sisters and brothers and I already have plans to see some of them again in the near future, but distance is difficult. And expectation is difficult. All four of my mentors were at this residency and they all four built me up in different ways. I am still in awe of some of the things that they said to and about me. Sandra in particular was tremendously supportive. She wants me to keep emailing her with my progress, letting her know where I am in terms of getting something out there. I'm at the point where the novel has turned into three novel and given me a larger scope through which to reveal all the delightful little secrets of my world. So I'm a bit overwhelmed you might say. And also nervous about the future.
One of my dear Solstice sisters has advanced cancer. I'm caught between eagerness for her to get her book published and create something immortal in her wake, and a fear to put any pressure on her at all. I want her to fight this beast. I want her to get better. Have a remission. Live another year. Love her family and enjoy each and every minute she has left on this earth. But I so want her to publish. Because I know that her time on this earth is running out very quickly. The odds are not in her favor and by this time next year the world may no longer have her in it. And this thought makes me shudder. I want her book out there so I can touch it and read it and love her in this sweet special way. She is a writer, which is to say her soul is a writer's soul and I hope, very much, that she will find a way to negotiate the drive of her heart and the needs of her writer's soul with the time she has left. I won't barrage her with 'my sympathy' but I will remind her whenever I can, that she is loved and that her work is necessary.
My return to real life is proving to be a bit of a challenge. And in light of my dear friend's struggles, I feel guilty for each and every complaint. I am bitter over a coworker's constant need to try and exchange dates. I am upset that my car door will not open any more. I'm sad that I love my job yet must seek another one to make ends meet. I'm moody because the sunlit hours are growing shorter and shorter. I'm overwhelmed because I have bills to pay, a cat to groom, a room to clean, car tags to renew, a doctor's appointment to make, and people who need me when I'm not ready to be needed. But I also have good things. I have friends and I have my Hannah. One of my friends is going to keep doing packet exchanges with me to keep me writing. Another friend took Hannah and me out to lunch today and gave me a check for a lot of money as a graduation present. My cousin is coming to visit in a couple of weeks. And a Solstice sister is coming a few weeks after that. Another friend of mine is going to apply to Solstice and I'm so happy for her! And Hannah and I are going to write and submit and really push to get our writing lives started.
The good with the bad, the beginning of this journey has been intense. I have to work tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it. But that's because what I really want to do is meditate for an hour then write a crap ton of cover letters to various literary magazines and get some of my crap out there. My goal is to have ten rejection letters by the new year. And who knows? Maybe one of those letters won't be a rejection. Still, I'll celebrate like hell if I get ten. That will prove to me that I'm a member of the writing community. That I've joined the literary conversation. And that's what getting an MFA was all about.
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