She was an Old Soul

Her laugh, her voice, her words all spoke of something ephemeral and pure. She was all or nothing, a tome of fictional truths, a writer, a wife, a mother, a rock star, a wild woman, and a sensitive soul. An old soul. She felt like a child who had lived many, many lives and who had decided, "fuck this shit." She was small and lean with an enormous aura that stretched from some obscure Canadian Islands to the Floridian Peninsula. And she wrote grit. She tapped into her old soul, shucked away all layers of nicety, and wrung blood from the page. Big things. Uncomfortable things. Things that still make me a little uncomfortable. She wrote them all. She didn't have time to fuck around. She had a message. She had a moment. And she used her time to the very end, publishing "Pelee Island Stories" within the last nine months.

She was an old soul. She was so beautiful. She had the beauty and grace and fierceness... the sad, happy eyes half hooded with pleasure and mystery... that only comes from the lessons and loves of life after life after life. So many lives. And why did this one have to be so short? 

Tanya. I know you'll be back here someday in a different life, same soul, same beauty and honesty. New body. New name. You'll share your talents all over again. You'll raise some hell. Maybe raising some more kids. Maybe your next life will be longer. But I doubt there will ever be another life with this many people missing you, grieving you, and celebrating your memory. You left us on May 25th (a few days ago, seconds really, in the grand scheme of things). You were diagnosed with stage IV esophageal cancer on June 5th last year. Thank you for each and every moment you gave us after the diagnosis. Thank you for being there at my last residency and for graduating with me. Thank you for being an old soul, a dear friend, and an amazing and inspiring talent in my life. Peace, friend.

Starting to submit to Literary Magazines

I'm sprucing up "Woman of After" and going to send it off to three different places later tonight. I am researching and trying to be a good bunny and know exactly what this magazines like to publish but I also know that a second person POV piece will either get me an automatic "no thanks" or a nice long look. So it's a crap shoot. All submitting is a crap shoot. I want to start getting my rejection notes. I have a goal of ten by Christmas. So here goes! I'll have to make a folder for them once they start rolling in. In the mean time I've found a few amazing websites and resources to help me out on this journey and I wanted to share a few of those here.

• Duotrope - a database of literary and genre magazines which highlights periods of open submission as well as if they accept simultaneous submissions. Amazing information. Highly recommended by faculty and mentors of my Grad program. To get the full benefit of this site you have to subscribe. It's $5 a month or $50 a year. Worth every penny in my opinion and I've only just scratched the surface of what this site has to offer.
• The Review Review - I haven't spent much time here yet but I learned about it during a class at Solstice. From what I understand they review various publications and are a great resource to consider when getting ready to start submitting. Their blog is great, too. I found this page to be particularly helpful: What Editors Want.
• Neon - this is actually a site for the Neon Literary Magazine but I found a tremendously helpful blog here about "How to Submit," which gave me a link to an excellent and easy to understand description and example of the format for submitting short stories: Proper Manuscript Format.
• New Pages - a site that is also a great way to look up various literary magazines but it also has a section where magazines call for submissions. It's good to keep an eye on this site because submission openings come and go pretty quickly in the literary world as it turns out.

I've got my Masters, but the Journey is far from over!

The Residency was an emotional roller-coaster. For the most part it was exceptionally uplifting. But those were tempered by moments of great sadness. I will miss the family I've made at Solstice. I know they are still my sisters and brothers and I already have plans to see some of them again in the near future, but distance is difficult. And expectation is difficult. All four of my mentors were at this residency and they all four built me up in different ways. I am still in awe of some of the things that they said to and about me. Sandra in particular was tremendously supportive. She wants me to keep emailing her with my progress, letting her know where I am in terms of getting something out there. I'm at the point where the novel has turned into three novel and given me a larger scope through which to reveal all the delightful little secrets of my world. So I'm a bit overwhelmed you might say. And also nervous about the future.

One of my dear Solstice sisters has advanced cancer. I'm caught between eagerness for her to get her book published and create something immortal in her wake, and a fear to put any pressure on her at all. I want her to fight this beast. I want her to get better. Have a remission. Live another year. Love her family and enjoy each and every minute she has left on this earth. But I so want her to publish. Because I know that her time on this earth is running out very quickly. The odds are not in her favor and by this time next year the world may no longer have her in it. And this thought makes me shudder. I want her book out there so I can touch it and read it and love her in this sweet special way. She is a writer, which is to say her soul is a writer's soul and I hope, very much, that she will find a way to negotiate the drive of her heart and the needs of her writer's soul with the time she has left. I won't barrage her with 'my sympathy' but I will remind her whenever I can, that she is loved and that her work is necessary. 

My return to real life is proving to be a bit of a challenge. And in light of my dear friend's struggles, I feel guilty for each and every complaint. I am bitter over a coworker's constant need to try and exchange dates. I am upset that my car door will not open any more. I'm sad that I love my job yet must seek another one to make ends meet. I'm moody because the sunlit hours are growing shorter and shorter. I'm overwhelmed because I have bills to pay, a cat to groom, a room to clean, car tags to renew, a doctor's appointment to make, and people who need me when I'm not ready to be needed. But I also have good things. I have friends and I have my Hannah. One of my friends is going to keep doing packet exchanges with me to keep me writing. Another friend took Hannah and me out to lunch today and gave me a check for a lot of money as a graduation present. My cousin is coming to visit in a couple of weeks. And a Solstice sister is coming a few weeks after that. Another friend of mine is going to apply to Solstice and I'm so happy for her! And Hannah and I are going to write and submit and really push to get our writing lives started. 

The good with the bad, the beginning of this journey has been intense. I have to work tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it. But that's because what I really want to do is meditate for an hour then write a crap ton of cover letters to various literary magazines and get some of my crap out there. My goal is to have ten rejection letters by the new year. And who knows? Maybe one of those letters won't be a rejection. Still, I'll celebrate like hell if I get ten. That will prove to me that I'm a member of the writing community. That I've joined the literary conversation. And that's what getting an MFA was all about. 

On the eve of my last Boston adventure...

Well, it may not be my last Boston adventure. But it is the last one in this capacity, as a grad student attending Pine Manor College. I still have a few things to work on. I'm having the panic. Lots of the panic. Not as badly as I have in times past, but I'm definitely stressed and nervous and fretting. Tonight I'm over at my neighbor's house talking with her and Hannah about the section of my novel which I will be reading at the graduate reading. While there are many sections I really enjoy, I think the part where Matthias wins the 'tooth' game at the Arena is probably going to be the one I go with. I need to write a small introduction to the piece and then practice it a few times for pacing. When E graduated I listened to her during her practice run and I'm sure she will do the same for me. 

I'm worried about E. She just went through a really upsetting breakup and I hope that I can be a positive and wholesome distraction for her while I'm there. I'm also worried about the hotel costs and the costs of everything in general. I will have to sit down with her and chat when I get there. This education adventure has put me into mega debt which is okay because honestly it was worth it, but at the same time, financial stress is making me feel ill.

In other news I turned in my application to be part of the Pagan Ministry Council for the Inland Empire Pagan Guild. I think it was a pretty decent letter of interest if I do say so myself. I will know before I return whether or not I am accepted as a member of the council. Here's hoping that Hannah and I are approved.

My next post will be from Boston! I have a list of to-dos. I want to eat at Papa Gino's at least once, I want to do girly things with Eileen such as making our nails look fabulous for graduation, I need to get a shot glass of the Boston skyline for my coworker, and I want to do some tarot readings in the hotel room. I'm excited for the time at school as well as the time away from school. I am absolutely desperate to reconnect with many of my dear, dear Solstice Sisters and Brothers. Right now I feel like rambling and procrastinating and curling up in a ball and waving a white flag of surrender. Ugh. I want to go but I am also just done.

New Happenings in the Facets of My Life

I'm sitting here in a mild panic waiting to embark on the final leg of my graduate school career. So much has happened in the past month and so much is going to happen in the following month that I feel the best way to tackle this info-dump is through a list. And to make it even more palatable, I've divided it into Spiritual Life, Fictional Life, and Real Life. There may be some overlap as my fictional life typically overruns my real one.

Spiritual Life:

• Went to the annual camp out for the IEPG (Inland Empire Pagan Guild). This years theme was Hammered with the Heathens and we did get a bit hammered here and there. But when we weren't drinking, we had a great time interacting with friends in the community and trying new things, Such as: I led my very first ritual! It was my first time writing and leading. We performed a Nightmare Banishment Ritual with a My Little Pony twist to it. I actually had a wonderful time leading it and the feedback that I've received has all been positive. Already I'm excited to lead some more rituals in the future.
• Saw two Handfastings at the camp out! Both rituals were renewals of handfasting vows and intentions but they were both lovely and gave Hannah and me some ideas about our own future handfasting.
• Woke with the sun one morning and greeted the day. Saw a sea hawk nest complete with babies!
• Hannah and I have been asked if we are interested in joining the Pagan Ministry Council and both of us have said yes! We are going to submit our pleas for consideration to the full IEPG group sometime this week. If it doesn't work out that I am able to take part in the council, that's fine. I'm still gearing up for future rituals and classes. This is a great community and I will be part of it in any way I can be.

Fictional Life:

• In Dungeons and Dragons with the neighbors my character has finally gotten his memory back and, I was correct, he is indeed a prince! All sorts of crazy questing is happening right now and Hannah's character is starting to catch feelings for the irreverent 'live for the moment' barbarian. We'll see how that plays out. He has never had a real relationship before, not even a real friendship. Or at least not in the past thirty years. So for him this is all very new.
• Been thinking about Death Man a lot recently. I've decided that this November during the National Novel Writer's Month, I'm going to try and finish up some more of the draft as well as begin serious plotting for the overall structure which, I reckon, will be quite a bit different than it is right now.
• Working on finishing homework for the final leg of the residency. I want to really spruce up the stories that I submitted for workshop and maybe submit one of them for a magazine at some point. But the other piece is the first chapter to a novel. So that might be my future project for next year. We'll see how Death Man goes. So many novels, so little time. I must manufacture some time. 
• Been doing a little role-playing again in the past couple of weeks. Very little. Just a post here and there or maybe a couple a day when we're on a roll. But it's like a little treat to reward me for being good and abstaining from it for so long whilst finishing school. I am not going to let the RP take over my life, but I am going to enjoy the hell out of it as long as it doesn't interfere with other responsibilities including the November goal with my novel. Basically right now, the RP is a total excuse for vampire and werewolf conflict, lots of blood, and the fun in creating new rules for old supernatural entities. And I'm sure at some point there'll be sex. (If they all don't die first!)

Real Life:

• Had a lovely graduation party at my aunt's club house. Lots of my friends were there as well as a decent grouping of family. I made a little over $200 dollars from cards and well-wishers and that is basically going to feed me on my trip. The party was great because it was a pool party and that is the first time I've ever thrown one of those. It was certainly hot enough to merit it!
• SCOTUS! Finally a move in the right direction for this country. This year, for the first time in a long time, I'm proud to be an American. Hooray for marriage equality and boo on all the haters who truly believe that equal civil rights for all will somehow destroy the fabric of existence. In the words of Taylor Swift: the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, but I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake. Shake it off!
•  Got a surprise graduation mini-party at work. On Monday, when I arrived for the early morning meeting, I was greeted with a cake, a card full of monies, and a sign that said "Congrats Amanda." It was such a sweet gesture! 
• I'm on the hunt for a new job. Which is very bittersweet because despite the occasional drama at the bra shop, I really do love this job and the gals who work there. But it's time for me to get something that can provide for me and my mate while we continue to work on our fictional and spiritual lives. Today I'm finishing a cover letter and application for the Newspaper in Spokane. Wish me luck with it!
• Getting ready for the Residency. Homework, finalizing my class that I get to teach, and pretty much stressing about it on all levels. 

Creative Thesis is Done!

Tonight I sent in 130 pages in PDF format to be bound as my Creative Thesis. I cannot believe that I'm here. I truly cannot believe that I am graduating. This last semester was truly awful for me. I'm the reason it was awful. I let depression and insecurity following my illness in January, really destroy my drive and ambition. By the time I should have been editing a full manuscript I was still trying to compose and figure out the rest of the first part. So I figured I would NOT be graduating. I figured that I had wasted everyone's time. I'd wasted my mentor's time. Her energy and her effort. I'd wasted it all. But she didn't let me throw in the towel. In fact she got down right mean about it! Which is what I needed. Back when she first became my mentor I handed her over a metaphorical whip and said, go for it. Hit me with this whip until I feel it in the marrow of my bones. And in the end that's exactly what it took. I descended into the Great Below and was reborn. That might seem a pretty intense metaphor for graduating an MFA program, but that's exactly how it has felt. 

Tonight I'm turning in my end of semester evaluation. And then all I have left is to figure out the logistics and prepare for the residency classes. I'm frustrated because there's a new law in Massachusetts saying that all students have to have health insurance. Which wouldn't be such a big deal except that they want to charge me over $200 for the ten days I'm there in July. So I'm trying to figure out what to do about that, but aside from this little snafu I am just about ready. I have work tomorrow but then have a three day stretch. I'm going to get as much done for the residency as possible. I want to be able to relax in June when I go on the IEPG camping trip. After I get back from the residency I'm going to be applying for a new job. Also I'm going to bust my hump getting into a writing routine. Sandra has faith in me that I really can get published. And I'm starting to maybe have some faith in myself as well. Right now I feel like I have a world of possibilities opened up before me. So we'll just see what happens. In the mean time, I know for a fact that I am going to graduate and I'm letting this knowledge warm me up in a way I haven't felt in a long time.

Books, Books, and More Books!

Editing. That is what I have left for the intense part of the semester. Well and a little writing still. Which I'm going to work on a bit tonight. Basically I need to edit my annotated bibliography, my synopsis, and the last of the actual thesis. And then I'll be done with that part and can move onto the next bit which includes all the good stuff for the residency. I am excited for my class on dystopian world building and I'm really excited to get there and take some amazing classes with the people I've come to know and love. Also I have the best fucking ever wardrobe for this summer. I cannot wait to show it all off! My buddy, E, and I will be chic twins! 

I'm still incredibly sad that Hannah cannot go with me. I had hoped to make it work but financially it just isn't going to happen. But I am going to Skype with her a few times so I can at least introduce her to some of the people there. Especially M. I am very excited to see M. 

Something that's been taking up a great deal of my time lately has been reading. In the past week alone I've read four books. I can't believe it. I'm in a reading kick and I can't eat enough! Including a few more from the week before I've read:

1. The Sumerians by Elaine Landau - the book was a nice summary of the geography and social structure but severely biased by the author's Christian views.
2. Lugalbanda by Kathy Henderson - this was a gorgeous story with amazing illustrations and unlike the first book on the list, this one honored the ancient religion and culture that it detailed. Also this is a retelling of the oldest story ever written - over 4,000 years old!
3. Sexy by Joyce Carol Oates - YA done right. Heartbreaking in some places but in the end it covers everything that a young adult novel is supposed to - including a glimpse of hope.
4. Rape by Joyce Carol Oates - I adore the use of 2nd person POV in selected chapters and I was really surprised by the direction the novel took. And yet I wasn't surprised because Oates laid all the foundation work to guide me to the perfect and inevitable result. Very satisfying.
5. The Book of Lost Things by John Connolly - this book is a great example of bridging between YA and adult fiction. A sort of Narnia for the modern times. Loved the gay soldier.
6. We Were Liars by E. Lockhart - figured it out relatively quickly but that didn't diminish my enjoyment of the novel by any means. I adored the poetic flare of Lockhart's narration.
7. The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian - I was drawn to this book for two reasons: 1) it was banned and 2) it takes place on the Spokane Indian Reservation and Reardon, WA. I loved knowing the places that the narrator talks about and I also loved the cartoon snippets throughout the text. Great story filled with truths that only a diary style novel can get away with telling and lamenting. 
8. Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe - I really enjoyed this book. It can be a bit infuriating at times but the end makes everything so worth it. In fact, if I'm ever having a bad day and need a pick me up, I'll just read the last ten pages. So worth it. 

None of these books are very long, but even still, I finished them all at record speeds for me. I am usually a slow fuddy-duddy reader. Which is why I'm starting to realize that I'm just not meant for adult fiction. At least not meant for it primarily. I feel a draw toward YA and also when I read YA it not only feels right, but it helps me recall and analyze parts of my childhood that I had forgotten or hadn't really processed. In my heart I'm still about fifteen or sixteen and so these books speak strongly to me. No, I'm not still dealing with high school drama or trying to awkwardly figure out the opposite sex (or the same sex as the case may be) but people are people and they are their most beautiful when they are vulnerable. The coming of age stories in the YA I've been reading have all been marvelous. I definitely feel that my mentor and I made the correct choice in making Death Man much more YA than it had previously been. The next projects I am going to work on will also be YA. I just can't get enough of it! Even today at the library I picked up another YA novel. But I'm not going to let myself start it until I finish with all the editing that needs to be done.

So many books. So little time. I'm happy to have found my place. Which is really what YA is all about.

Final Stretch - I'm Gonna Graduate!

So I got the green light from the second reader - but on the condition that I fix the typos in the manuscript before I send it to my Mentor as the final packet and also before I send it to be bound. I'm experiencing a mixture of panic and relief. I want this to be perfect but, dear gods, I'm so freaking tired. Exhausted mentally and physically. I want a break but I don't want to dissolve into a puddle of goo and disappear either. I want to keep working on these projects and eventually write query letters and synopses and treatments and someday, just someday, get a damn book out there. I've been reading like a hungry creature lately (which hasn't helped me get my writing done but it's been very helpful in getting me into the YA mood). I read Sherman Alexie's 'The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian' and E, Lockhart's 'We Were Liars' and also Connolly's 'Book of Lost Things.' And some more Joyce Carol Oates obviously. Because as it turns out I'm a huge fan girl of hers. 

These books have been incredibly wonderful - even when they aren't necessarily pleasant. I have learned so much about pacing and dialogue (things that I was pretty decent with before but always, always, always striving to be better at) and I am excited to incorporate those things into the upcoming workshop pieces for the residency. So far the only things I have left to do: final comb through to fix typos for the Thesis, read a few things for residency, prepare workshop pieces and critique fellow pieces, rehearse my class a few times, and pack all the pretty dresses! Not too bad I suppose. Oh and I also have to register for classes, secure the hotel, finalize plans with my buddy, and send in evaluations. Okay so I still have a lot to do. But I'll get it done. I'm on the home stretch now! I can do it. I really, really can do it!

After a few beers I become emotional...

Maybe just a little bit drunk. Been reading tons lately. I really, really love young adult fiction. I love the pacing, the adventure, the dialogue. All of it. I think I made a mistake not going into YA during my time at Solstice, but if I had done that I might not have met the absolutely amazing fiction writers that I now consider to be my closest of family. I might not have had the mentors I had and would not be writing as I am now (which I do deem to be better than before I joined the program two years ago). I would have still met amazing people and been blessed by their friendship but I feel this was just meant to be in some way. After all, I am the worst horse, (as in the Buddhist proverb worst horse) and I need to do things the hard way, I need to suffer through it, and I need to feel the force of my master's whip through to the marrow of my bones. That way I can know I've truly grown.

Lately I've been reading about Goddesses. I want to find one that I resonate with. I'm on the hunt. I thought it might be Inanna and I'm going to continue my research into her but I am quite taken with the absolute gorgeous compassion of Kuan Yin. She is so selfless and kind - a true goddess to appeal to. Hannah has a Kuan Yin pendant and one time a person tried to tell her it was Buddha. It wasn't. It isn't. It's Kuan Yin. She was a Buddhist nun who turned goddess after she gave her arms and eyes to make her asshole father better from a disease. She grew a thousand arms and a thousand eyes to replace the ones she lost and then became an immortal and perfect presence. I know that the archetypes behind gods and goddesses stem from human traits but Kuan Yin seemed to be better than most humans. Her only hubris was 'disobeying' her father when he gave her unreasonable orders. What a wonderful and kind entity. I need to learn more and more, but for now I'm taking heart in the knowledge that compassion has a name and that is Kuan Yin. 

Student Anthology Submission for Your Enjoyment

This past semester, one of the students with my MFA program started an anthology project for all students and alumni to feature short pieces of work including excerpts, poems, flash fiction, and vignettes. Last time I submitted a short scene from my Dust Bowl novel and this time around I am sending in the beginning segment (almost a prologue I guess) to my creative thesis. I thought I would share it here just for fun and because my mentor, who hates prologues, absolutely loved.

The Lesson

Excerpt from The Death Man

By Amanda LaFantasie

“Isn’t one blade enough. Why do we need three?” he asked.

“The same reason a painter needs more than one brush.” The Death Man ran his finger down along the smooth and perfectly chiseled blood groove of the executioner’s sword. “It all depends on your goal. If you just want to kill a man, you use the ax. If you want to dismember him and decorate the stage with his blood, then you use the machete. But if you want to deliver the kiss of death, you swing this sword through his neck and you give him peace.” He lifted the sword, holding it horizontally before the boy.

Beyond the old man’s window the sky was red with a summer sunset and it cast a crimson hue upon the blade, making it look as if it had drawn blood from the air itself.

“The tip’s broken,” the boy said.

“It’s not broken. It was made this way. Blunt and smooth. This sword was never meant for stabbing. It is a work of art. Light enough to wield with grace yet heavy enough to part skin, muscle, and bone with a single flick of the wrist. And it’s sharp. Hold out your arm.”

The boy did as asked. He knew his mentor would cut him, but all fear of pain had been beaten out of him long ago. Sucking in a breath, almost excited by the promise of blood, he waited. His mentor pressed the blade to his flesh and gave a quick slice. The boy felt nothing.

In silence he examined his arm. His eyebrows drew tight in confusion. There didn’t seem to be a cut.

“Wait for it,” said the Death Man.

A moment passed. As if by magic, a thin beaded line of blood appeared and with it came the first touch of pain, a hot concentrated sting. The boy watched in fascination as the beads grew fat and spilled out from the cut leaving red tributaries on his skin. It was deep, much deeper than he’d first thought. He put his hand on the wound, but it did little to stop the blood from squeezing out and dripping all over his mentor’s floor. But the Death Man didn’t seem to care. About anything.

“Take a man’s head with this blade and he will not suffer. It is a blade reserved only for those who deserve a painless death.”

“And who deserves a painless death?” The boy couldn’t take his eyes off the sword.

“Everyone,” the Death Man replied, and in the same breath he amended, “no one.” He returned the sword to its sheath and set it back on the stand. “Only the beloved of the Luminary are granted such a death.”

“But if they are his beloved then why kill them?” The boy knew he shouldn’t ask so many questions but his mentor was the only person he’d met in a long time who was so willing to answer.

            “Sometimes we have to kill the ones we love.” He pulled a wad of gauze from his medicine bag. “Wrap up your arm. The lesson’s just begun.”

Sour Grapes and New Goals

So, now that we are really getting into the first month of 2015, I feel it's good to stop and reflect on how I 'do not' want the rest of the year to go.  So far I've been to the ER nine times, been called in for an interview with TSA only to be told I 'failed the interview portion of the airport assessment,' and I've had some serious monetary struggles due to missing work for my health.  From here, things can only go up.

I've adopted sour grapes as my motto for the first part of the year: I had been really upset at the situations preventing me from going to the MFA residency at the start of January but now it seems that providence was on my side.  I probably would have had to go to the ER in Boston and that wouldn't have been good for anyone, ergo, it's better that I ended up with the extended semester.  And it's good that I did not get the TSA job (even though the money and the benefits would have been amazing!) because I am not a robot in my work and I enjoy interacting with people more than stiffly shucking them through a line and I would have ultimately despised my job.  So back to the job hunt and better luck next time.

I have so many hopes and dreams for this year.  Instead of listing 'resolutions' I'm going to make a list of my overall goals for 2015 and they are pretty straightforward and, I think, very achievable. My Goals are as follows: finish my Creative Thesis and Graduate from Pine Manor College, get a better paying job, use better paying job to get an apartment for Hannah and I, move to Spokane, volunteer with the Spiral Scouts and the IEPG, enjoy and celebrate a dear friend's fall wedding, and begin preparations for a Handfasting/Wedding ceremony for Hannah and myself which is most likely going to happen in the spring or fall or 2016 or 2017.  I think all of these things are within my ability to accomplish.  

As far as smaller, daily goals that I want to start putting into practice: daily meditation and daily lesson, daily writing, and a rekindled effort toward better health through exercise and positive food choices.  Something else I want to start doing again is drawing.  I miss the connection of hand to paper, also my friend gave me a finger drawing table from Wacom and I think that actually might be something to start playing around with, too.

Writing and Me Part II: Being in an MFA Program

I'm currently in a low-residency MFA program at Pine Manor College.  The Solstice MFA Program, as it is called, kicks off each semester with ten jam-packed days on campus.  This means I get to go on a long-ass flight from the Northwest to the Northeast twice a year.  The traveling doesn't bother me, in fact it is one of the reasons I chose a low-residency program over a full.  The other reason of course is that there are no full residency MFA's in my area and I am not at a point in my life where I can relocate.  And yet, I prefer it this way honestly.  Less time in the classroom gives you more time to write.  Also this style of learning forces you to adopt an actual writer's lifestyle which prepares you for what it will be like after the MFA.

During the residencies we're busy from nine in the morning to nine at night and during meals and short breaks we meet and mingle and network.  Writers are pretty intense (not to mention odd) people in general, but brought together under compressed circumstances, they become, as our Director says, a bit radioactive.  We feed off each other's energies, we blossom with ideas, we taste humility, we taste exhilaration, and suddenly a mass of strangers become best friends.  Even after only ten days some of these connections will last a life time.  That is residency.

The rest of the semester is spent exchanging packets of creative and critical work with a mentor.  For me this has been tremendously helpful.  It is a writer's dream to write something and know for a fact that someone out there in the world - someone intelligent, accomplished, and published - is not only going to read your work, but critique it and offer advice entirely in your best interest.  I have appreciated every valuable moment spent with my mentors.  Each one gave me something different and now, in my final (and unfortunately, extended) semester, I am able to combine what I've learned all along to work toward my goal of a complete and polished manuscript.

MFA programs, honest ones at least, don't claim to get you published or make you famous; what they do promise is to work with you to improve your writing.  But that's not all I got out of the Solstice Program at Pine Manor.  I have a network of wonderful writers who just also happen to be wonderful people.  Writing is a very solitary practice, and that is why I think people need programs and conferences and workshops - to remind them that they are not alone on the journey.  We all take different paths to reach our individual goals but there's no reason to ford through the bad times alone.  On the flip side; it's also nice to have someone to give you a pat on the back during the good times as well.  We're all here for each other.  We might provide friendly competition from time to time, but we're not each other's enemies.  Some people learn this on their own, some people know this from the beginning, and some people, like me, relearn this beautiful fact by spending concentrated time at a residency.

Writing and Me Part I: Bad Dreams, Bad Language, Bad Ass

A recent graduate of the Pine Manor College Solstice MFA program asked me to write a small article about what it's like being a writer and also about my experience being in an MFA program.  I'm not sure where to start exactly and I'm afraid it might exceed her 1-2 page limit, but I suppose, as my mentor has said, chronology is my friend, so I'll start at the beginning.

When I was a kid, I had difficultly sleeping.  Between a busy mind and recurring nightmares, nighttime was not my friend.  However, I did discover two pretty reliable cures for my restlessness: the first was lucid dreaming wherein I controlled every aspect of my dream down to the central players and the plot, the second was to write.  By the time I turned ten years old, my ability to dream lucidly was falling by the wayside, and so I wrote.  And wrote.  And wrote some more.  Pretty soon I'd written a novel.  

To borrow a metaphor from Harold Clurman, author of "On Directing," writing is like gardening and in order to get something good out of it, you have to lay down some shit.  There's a place for bad plays/writing and that is to provide fertilizer for the good stuff to come.  Well, that first 'novel' was pure fertilizer.  And that's exactly what it was supposed to be.  When I was younger I always had a book to read and a book to write in.  My diary did not chronicle my daily affairs, I filled it, instead, with the adventures of Jeremy Arbuct and his extra-terrestrially raised paramour from the past.  That was also shit, awesome shit, but shit nonetheless.  Luckily for me there were a few undigested seeds in the shit pile and they started to grow.  Over the years I gave my garden a constant supply of manure while watering and weeding and tending the small, determined sprouts.  This was my happy place.  One of them, anyway.  The only thing I loved as much as writing and reading, was acting and singing.

I majored in Music Theatre at Mesa State College (presently known as Colorado Mesa University) and took writing classes for electives.  I studied screen play writing, stage play writing, poetry and short fiction.  But there was one class that changed everything for me.  And not in a good way.  I took a fiction class from a professor who looked and spoke like Jimmy Stewart.  He was a nice enough man, but his ideas on writing and literature were dated and, I've come to realize, incredibly destructive.  He wrote his own manual for the class - a sort of 100 page manifesto of what he deemed to be decent literature - and then expected us to practice what he preached.  If you were a female, you could not write from the POV of a male character and vice-versa (which was incredibly limiting and sexist to boot).  Your protagonist cannot swear (which was a real fucking downer) and he or she must be an upstanding moral citizen (another downer because sex, drugs, and rock and roll, man!).  And the piece that I turned in for class was a dry, horrid, literary nightmare.  

I reread it years later and recognized that the story had a decent plot and interesting characters, but it was completely and utterly devoid of voice.  The class not only killed the 'me' in my writing; it killed my desire to write prose at all.  I switched to screen play as my primary writing for a while and eventually that fizzled, too.  But even with my desire gone, I couldn't stay away forever.  I dabbled in science fiction and angel mythology and then I learned about role-play.  For a while my writing hinged on the instant gratification that came from the give and take of partnered writing.  I became a little dependent on it, but, in the end, it was what pulled me out of the shell I had created around myself ever since the Jimmy Stewart look-a-like silenced my voice.  I could write from the viewpoint of a man if I wanted.  Hell, I could write from the viewpoint of an alien, an android, a cat, a sentient and sassy toaster!  And my protagonists could be bad boys with drug habits and foul mouths, or sweet young hookers with hearts of gold, or even tortured souls with violently repressed desires.  I even tried a little fan fiction and that is a strange and delightful creature unto its own.  But the point is, I wrote.  And wrote.  And wrote some more.  I added a fresh layer of  manure of cliches and passive voice to the garden, watered my dried up stems with metaphor and simile, and invited the sun to warm my dialogue once again.  

In November of 2010, I finally officially participated in National Novel Writer's Month (NaNoWriMo), and won.  I wrote a vampire story with a little guy-on-guy action (pretty much two of my favorite things).  With 50,000 words behind me on a single project, I started to feel like myself again.  So I signed up for Script Frenzy, too!  For Script Frenzy, I had to write a 100 page screenplay.  This time around I wrote about dragons and reached my hundred pages easily.  So now I had two projects with some weight to them.  Suddenly the idea of writing things, of being a writer, didn't seem that far-fetched.  I wanted to grow, I needed to grow, and the next logical step was a Masters of Fine Arts.  Seven years after graduating from Mesa State, I applied to two MFA programs, both on the eastern coast.  Only one accepted me.  At the time I took it to mean I was only good enough for one - but I don't think of it that way now.  Somehow I was meant to be part of the Solstice MFA Program at Pine Manor College and that next January began a new and bad ass chapter of my writing life.

Extended Semester, Deep Breath, and Job Hunt

Fiend

Around midnight last night I had a panic attack and realized that I am not going to graduate.  A few days before Samhain/Halloween, the director of the program had indicated that I might consider an extended semester and last night I agreed.  There are so many reasons - the number one reason is that I really lost focus this past semester.  Sometimes it felt the world was against me.  Debt swallowed me up, I ran out of medication for a long time and felt some serious effects, I've been fighting for a replacement computer from Vizio for the past three months, and I've also undergone a very intense reinvisioning of my creative thesis.  But the good news is the last part - the novel is actually on track now and I know more about the characters than I ever thought I would.  

So I'm going to graduate in July.  I will take a crap ton of allergy medicine with me so that I can keep my voice long enough to do my reading and my class (summertime in Chestnut Hill is hell on my vocal chords).  And leading up to that time I have a caring and compassionate mentor behind me who believes in my story idea and wants, most of all, to see me succeed.  Instead of being her problem child I want to be a little feather in cap of students she's mentored.  We'll see how much of a feather I turn out to be, but I do believe this was the right decision for me at this time.  I've already cancelled the plane tickets and the hotels.  I'm sad enough to bawl at the thought of not getting to see my Solstice family but as one of my darling Solstice Sisters reminded me earlier, we're family and distance and time will not change that.

Sorrow for a God's End

Moving onward and upward, I'm going to make a schedule for writing, work, and exercise and do everything in my power to keep it.  What I would like to have happen is to wake up earlier and try to get more done in a day.  It's so hard though!  When I finally get my computer back I'm going to get settled into it and take it with me everywhere so I can write at any time.  Through all of this I also need to keep looking for a new job.  On my to-do list for tomorrow and Wednesday is to call Barnes and Nobles and let them know I'm more available now and see if they are still interested in further interviews with me (they said they would contact me in November).  In the mean time I'm going to have a serious talk with my boss about the third key position and ask her if she is considering me and what kind of pay and hours I could expect.  The thing is - I still need writing time, but I also know that if I had my own place that I would get a lot more done writing wise.  Damn these double-edged swords.  

Since I'm going to keep on working on my novel for now, I've decided to participate in National Novel Writer's Month.  I'll do some updates as November trucks along but I'm hoping for at least 25,000 words that I can polish up and put into the manuscript.  This novel is going to be one long mother fucker and keeping all my facts and scenes straight is another reason it's been hard to pump it out.  I have a better system now and if I work calmly and steadily (my mentor's words) then I think I will graduate in July with an amazing novel all ready to go!

Making the Calls, Writing the Stuff

Did the big girl thing and called Vizio and the Sheraton people.  Once again, the Vizio customer service representative told me a higher up from corporate will be contacting me within forty-eight hours.  We'll see.  I don't have much faith in the system at this point.  Also I went back and looked so see exactly how long I've been having issues with my computer and the first email I officially sent them was on 10/11/13.  Over a year ago is when I started having trouble.  It's pretty sad that I bought this computer specifically to help me through my MFA and I've used it for that purpose about... hmm... three or four months out of a two year program.  Shitty.  Anyway, someday my computer will come.  Or it won't.  We'll see.

The call to the Sheraton people was much more successful.  They got me put over to the Pine Manor College rate of $113 a night versus $199 a night.  That will be split three ways between Hannah, Eileen, and myself so it will actually be quite reasonable.  I'm excited for January and for Boston and for late nights in the dorms doing tarot readings and drinking.  And I'm excited for graduation!  But to get to that point I have to keep on trucking on the creative thesis.  

I wrote five pages single spaced last night and I'm decently happy with them.  More to come tonight and then I have to spend some time stitching it all together.  I think my Mentor was right when she said that this is going to be a long ass book.  My creative thesis isn't even going to tap into the real meat of the novel.  This is all the lead up and I'm finding it to be incredibly illuminating and helpful.  I'm getting to learn a great deal more about my secondary characters as well as creating a better rounded protagonist.  

Tomorrow I have work but this weekend is going to be another binge writing session.  I will get this damn book finished!  And after I am done with my MFA I am going to piece it all together and create something I can be truly proud of.  Or at least that is my hope.

Executioner and Hunter's YN by doubleleaf - I'm pretty sure this picture
is fanart for Assassin's Creed but I think they would make a pretty cute
 Death Man and Kylin all grown up and eating yogurt.

A Surprise Visit and a Few Good Books

Today at work one of my Solstice MFA fellows came by the store!  Geographically this is very cool.  He's from Oregon but is driving through to Montana and stopped at Post Falls to hug and squeeze none other than me!  K introduced me to his wife and four kids (aged: baby, 2, 4, and 6).  Apparently when they were driving up, his wife said, "Do you guys wanna meet one of Daddy's friends?" To which their replied, "yes."  But when I rushed out of the store to come and greet them, the eldest, a daughter, cried, "But she's a girl!"  I thought that was pretty cute.  Yes.  Daddy's can in fact have friends that are girls.

But not only was my sex a surprise, I was also of great interest to the second eldest, a son, who asked what my medal was for.  I was wearing a pretty cameo necklace that I had borrowed from Hannah.  It was strung on a pretty white ribbon about my neck and I guess the shape of it reminded him of award medals.  Because when I cocked my head, he asked again, "What did you win that medal for?"  I wasn't sure what to say but I told him I won it by wrestling it away from Hannah, ergo it was a wrestling medal.  To which he was pretty impressed.  

They weren't able to stay long but it really did make my day!  Aside from K's surprise visit to the store my day was filled with helping pre-teens and teens find starter bars.  I swear today must have been drag your daughter to get fitted day, alternately known as "Please, honey, you can't wear shitty sports bras the rest of your life!"  I fitted three girls - there was a fourth but she didn't let me fit her and she was an absolute sour puss and hated all of our bras (what she really wanted was a Victoria's Secret bra to push up her knockers and ours were just too practical for her).  A couple of the girls I fitted though were a real delight to work with and they went home with a good selection of cute but supportive bras and some matching panties!  

After work I came home and ate all the things.  I ate several slices of a crumb cake that our friend, C, left here as well as a very good sized portion of biscuits and gravy.  I don't even know how I fit it all in there.  I'll chalk it up to period binge and try to eat with greater balance tomorrow.  Speaking of tomorrow, I need to get it over with because I really need a day to just work on homework.  Apparently Monday (my day off) is going to be filled with Kroc exercise, plasma donation, and getting new tags for the car.  This translates into a long ass day.  I also have to go to the library for a while on Monday and pick up some new books and drop off an old one - that book being Zombie.  

E told me not to read Zombie by Joyce Carol Oates, so of course I immediately went off and read it.  I actually really liked it.  There was one part that made me a little sick (the very graphic description and visual aide of lobotomy) but other than that I found the gore and sexual violence to be just disturbing enough to make the point but not over the top.  Overall it was just a heartbreaking novel and written well enough that I found myself empathizing with the killer as well as his victims, his zombies.  I actually really want to own this book.  There's one line in it that I almost want tattooed on me: "If you had a heart, that is how it would be broken." Now that I've read a book that wasn't actually on my reading list, I suppose it's time to get down to business with the ones that are.  Currently I'm reading Structuring Your Novel by Meredith.  And it's kind of amazing.  I'm doing all the exercises in it to map out my Death Man novel and I'm already excited to use it to map out my other novels, too.  

WTF! Alternate Title: Things that Surprised Me During the Residency

I've been home from the residency for almost a week and I'm still processing a great deal.  I took a variety of classes and a few of them left a very definite impression.  My friend, E, taught a class on Point of View and it was a lot of fun and gave me some different ideas about my own work.  I was going to write a good portion of Death Man in second person (and I may still do that) but for now I'm going to stick with the 'traditional forms' and focus on structure more than anything else.  But it was still kind of amazing and I definitely want to write some second person for next residency workshop.  I'll probably make it gross... so, yeah, pretty much what I normally write.

Another class that left an impression was the flash fiction one.  Flash is a both harder and simpler than I had previously thought and while I definitely enjoy reading it, I don't know that I have a calling to write it much.  Then there was the class taught by David Yoo, concerning the openings of YA novels.  It was neat to look at different beginnings and really analyze the 'pow' sentence.  The last class I'm going to talk about here is Laure-Anne Bosselaar's class "You Reading to Me?"  Finally my Theatre Degree paid off.  I got a high five after my reading for her class.  She had some great tips and was so incredibly enthusiastic and energetic that I fell in love with her right from the start.  She was absent from prior residencies due to the death of her husband and so I hadn't gotten a chance to experience this wonderful person that everyone else seemed to adore - and now I get it.  I totally get it.  She's amazing.

Classes aside, I have to say that there were several things that surprised me this residency.  Several of my fellow MFA-ers were absent at the residency and it doesn't look like they are going to be coming back.  This is understandable because Solstice is a huge commitment and sometimes it's a matter of money, or timing, but in the case of one of the students it was apparently a falling out with the director.  And that is surprising.  I wish him the best, though, and I have faith that he will make a difference wherever he goes.  Something else that was surprising was that I had a very good time in workshop with Sandra Scofield.  And it was surprising that we didn't have to talk about that article that I hadn't wanted to read or talk about in the first place (less surprising and more of a relief to be honest).  Another surprise was second person.  That takes some explaining - but just know that it can be much more exciting than people give it credit for.

Graduation went off without a hitch, too!  For all the stressing and worrying over it that I did, it really came together and looked elegant and simple and didn't detract from the graduates or the overall relaxed feel of the after party.  In fact it was kind of perfect and that was a great surprise because I had nightmares over that shit!  Another surprise was getting to spend some time with J (an amazing writer who helped me embrace second person!), someone whom I didn't get to spend much time with before.  I had such a fun time talking to her about shared Catholic upbringing and all the brainwashing and guilt that went along with it.  Then we got to talking about Buddhism and at the end of our conversation (this was a completely sober conversation by the way) I realized, much to my surprise, that I needed Sandra as my mentor.  And I'm working on Death Man as my Creative Thesis instead of Summer of August Hunt.  Hence the 'WTF' in the title of this blog.  I never thought I would have put Sandra as my first choice (I did put her as second choice my first semester) but after less than a week of being her mentee, I'm so incredibly glad that I did.  Surprise, surprise.

Another surprise that wasn't exactly unexpected, was that Yoda finally passed away.  He was Hannah's soulmate and familiar for fifteen years.  He was my good friend and companion for the last six.  She took him in to be put to sleep while I was in Boston.  It was the night of the final graduate readings and I was sitting with J.C. and Mar when I got the text.  Yoda's gone.  And I broke down in a way I honestly hadn't expected I would.  I'd already had a good sobfest over him before I left, when he was still alive and I could hold him and cry on him and tell him I loved him.  But when I got that text I just lost it.

I feel a bit spoiled in a way because poor Hannah was in Idaho and while she did have my family and a few good friends around her, I had the entire Solstice family around me and I was very touched by how caring these writers could be and how sensitive they were, never giving off the 'oh, it's just an animal' vibe.  They understood and took me under their wings and I wish Hannah could have felt the hands on healing of such a community.  As it was she kept in most of her grief until I got home.  And I'm glad I'm here now to help.

And last surprise: we got a new kitten.  Not to replace Yoda by any means because you can't replace the great Jedi Master no matter how hard you try, but the kitten has helped to distract us from our emotional pain by causing physical pain with her delightfully razor sharp claws.  She is a pure delight and fits in perfectly.  She farts quite often, yet another sign of her belonging with Hannah and myself.  And right now, even as I type, she's curled up next to Hannah on the bed, passed out after a crazy run through the house including attacking of my feet, chewing of pencils, stealing my coffee, and knocking over everything I needed to work on homework for the night.  She's precious.  Her name is Narcissa.  Hannah spells it with only one 's' but I can't help myself.  I need the double 's' in there.  Also my parents have taken to calling her frog - or at least using frog as a verb for her every movement (she's frogging over there, she's frogging on your shoes, etc.).  Again, she's pretty much perfect for us right now, kitty farts and all.  Which is a pleasant surprise indeed.

Fourth of July and Other News

Yesterday, I worked all day long and wished our fifteen-ish customers a Happy Fourth.  I wanted to go to a Blue's Concert in Liberty Lake after work but we had a crazy late customer and by the time my boss and I finally got out of there, I was pretty much dead.  So I headed to my Aunt's house for some Polish Horseshoes, lots of nummy food, and good times with my two younger boy cousins.  They are both really fun and they really like Hannah and I.  We want to take them camping sometime this summer but it's just finding time.  The younger of the two, he's sixteen, really wants to hang out and has a very dry wit.  He told me as we were leaving, "seriously, we need to all hang out this summer, just the four of us, we can get drunk, or murder someone, I don't care, we just need to hang out."  It was kind of adorable.

Today I went to a potluck/water fight with the IEPG.  We had a good time.  It was very low key.  I had planned on playing with the kids and getting all soaked but I ended up spending my time chatting with the adults.  We brought donut holes because I'm a doofus and didn't buy the ingredients in time for what I had wanted to bring.  The kids really enjoyed the donuts though so it was all good.

In other news, our kitty Yoda is essentially on Hospice care.  He's an old diabetic baby that seems to have failing kidneys.  It will be a bad, bad day when he finally goes, but in the mean time we are going to cuddle and love him to bits.

In other, other news, I'm getting ready for the residency.  I leave on Wednesday.  I'm nervous and excited and still have quite a bit to do.  It seems I am always 'almost' ready but never fully prepared.  I know that this time around it's also because I'm so scared about the fact that many of my friends are graduating.  I want to extend this whole program out another couple of years just to cling to certain people including mentors.  I can't believe that in January I will be graduating.  Maybe.  If I can get a good solid thesis done and ready to go.  Hah!  It's very much go-time for me, but I think I'll be okay.  I know what I need and that's more library time.  For some reason I'm very productive at the library.  I think it shall become my home away from home once more this next semester.  My last semester.

End of June Update: Busy Month

This moth has been much busier than it was supposed to be.  I still have a good deal left to do before I go to Boston for my Residency, but I'm also kind of looking forward to getting away and getting rejuvenated.  Always, after Residency, there is about a month or so when things just flow and I am alive with ideas and ability (or so it seems to me).  I sort of missed out on that after last residency because of some personal issues going on, but this time I feel better.  I feel okay on more fronts.  There are other stresses, but these aren't like what was going on in Spring.  

Our kitty cat, Yoda, is hanging in there but we have come to terms with the fact that he may not be around very much longer.  We had a bit of a sob fest last night and in a way that helped.  We are going to enjoy every moment with him and spoil the shit out of him.  He's a very good kitty and when the time does come for him to leave this world, he will leave it thoroughly loved.  

Also job-wise things are the same as they always were.  I'm frustrated that the driving job did not pan out - and I highly suspect that it is a case of sexual-orientation discrimination - but I'm glad for my bra shop job and until they close us down or throw us out, I'll hang in there.  Hannah wants to move back to Kansas to be with her grandparents in their last years.  I understand this but it's frustrating too because there's just no money.  I love it up here, I love the weather, I love the lake, I love being near my family.  I know that Hannah wants that, too.  Wants to be near her family and friends.  I love the people down there as well.  But it's still hard.  Very hard.  For one: moving sucks.  Two: I don't want to be away from my dear friends up in Idaho as well as new friends we've made with the IEPG.  This is a very good group of people.  They aren't pushy, they aren't clicky.  They are just a nice group of spiritual friends.  This is the first time... perhaps ever... that I've felt passionate about exploring a spiritual path of any kind.  And Hannah has blossomed so much up here with this group, too.  

In other news, I've started a DnD campaign with my friends and I'm playing a snakey-type character named Erla (oh the glory of recycling character names!).  Also my friend is opening up commissions to try and get her art out there in the world and also to make a little money.  A couple of my friends are doing this actually and I'm very proud of them.  Hannah requested a commission from one of them: Tory Kasper.  When the piece is completed and we've paid for it (and from what I've seen so far it's going to be adorable!) I'm going to post it up here and give her all the props!  She feels bad charging us but as far as I am concerned this is a win-win for us both because I get to help her out and promote her art and she gets to know the client and know that we will appreciate the piece very much.  I haven't asked for a commission yet because I might ask for a really detailed one as a later date and pay her appropriately for it - meaning I need another pay check before I send in my request.  

On the creative front for myself, I've started drawing again.  I would like to scan some and post it up here on my blog but I need to work out the old drawing muscle and get a little better than chicken-scratch.  That might take some time.  I'm still writing and my mind is absolutely filled up with good ideas for this story, I just need to funnel it all out through my hands into my keys and onto a word document.  I am not going to reach the goal I had set up for myself for June but I am going to have quite a bit accomplished and I'm just going to keep going from there.  I do believe in this story and I really enjoy the characters.  Here's hoping that Residency lights a fire under my ass.  I think it will.  I know it will.  Also I can't wait to see everyone again!  

Things and Stuff

First up are the things I'm looking forward to: *clears throat* I'm looking forward to getting trained for the PTI driving job this Thursday, I'm looking forward to going to the doctor's this Friday to get my knee checked out (oh, I sound so old saying that!).  I'm looking forward to reading all sorts of good things very soon, some of which my friendy-friend lent me.  Totally looking forward to working out more and more at the Kroc and getting into shape!  I'm looking forward to the upcoming camping trip the 20th through the 22nd.  Also I'm looking forward to introducing my second semester mentor at the faculty readings at the residency!  Last but not least, I'm looking forward to tackling some more of my dust bowl novel tonight.

Things that I'm not looking forward to are as follows: Totally not looking forward to reading a bullshit article for workshop - I've already read this article once and loathed it, and I have a feeling Sandra (the woman running the second half workshop) loves it.  Also, while we're on the topic, not looking forward to having Sandra for workshop as she loathes me about as much as I loathe that article and it's quite a bit.  Not looking forward to having to change over Hannah's and my Driver's Licenses (but it's so we can have the job we're both looking forward to so this one is only a minor annoyance).  Not looking forward waking up at seven on Thursday (but again it's for that job so it's a necessary sacrifice).

And now for stuff!  I have a list of cool shit I absolutely need!  Mostly I need this Game of Thrones T-shirt which reads "F*ck the King."  I also need all of Saga, as well as The Worst Hard Time, The Dream Eater, and Deadlock Volume 1.  Some of this stuff is meant for practical purposes, some is meant for pleasure.  Other stuff!  I totally know what I'm going to wear to introduce Sterling at Residency (the purple and lace) and I also know what I'm wearing to graduation (the black lace dress)!  The fact that I have cute outfits picked out is sort of a big deal for me!  Usually I have no clue what I'm even going to pack for Boston until the night before and then I usually end up forgetting something important *cough* like bras *cough*.