Pendulum of Self Doubt and Malaise and my OTPs

Fanart of Craig and Tweek from South Park.

I'm very much in rollercoaster mode these last few weeks. While I'm doing better with longer days and more sun, I'm still riding a pendulum that moves from "I can do this, I can accomplish all the things," to "who am I kidding?" at a rate that makes my head spin. Worse is that I think my body is reacting to my mental state in a very real way. For instance, I had huge and glorious plans for Beltane yet I ended up sleeping about 17 hours off and on from the time I got home from work on Sunday until Monday evening. I whimpered and fussed and cried a little. I couldn't keep my eyes open. I had a similar experience last night. 

One and Shell from Blood Bank.

I got home and unveiled all these plans to Hannah--plans to finally make the Bowie room into something useful for guests and for us, plans to get some writing done, plans to wage war with the squirrels in the back yard who have decided to attack my plants this year--and in the end all I could do was weep and whine and curl up in bed. I slept my 8+ hours last night and then crawled out into the living room for two more rounds of sleep. It's late in the afternoon now and I fear if I closed my eyes for even a second I would pass out all over again. I can't seem to wake up. I can't seem to make things happen. I did manage to write a small 5 page scene the other day for a friend. That is the first finished piece of writing I've accomplished since graduating from Solstice. It was a triumph and yet it reminds me of how far I've fallen in this respect. 

Craig and Tweek again.

Full time employment makes it very difficult for me. I know that's just a huge excuse. I know that there are lots of creative people who still make time to hone and perfect their craft while holding down a 9-5. I admire those people and wish I could be one of them but the truth is... there isn't enough of me right now. I give so much at work. I try not to over exert myself, I try not to let out all of my good energy while there, but more often than not that's what I seem to be doing. Leaving only my negative side for home. Leaving only my doubts and darkness. 

One and Shell again.

It doesn't always feel like that but lately I can't seem to shake it. I'm going to try to mess with the Bowie room today. But even just now, while writing this, I closed my eyes and ended up nodding off in a trance and typing a hundred or so w's.  I just want to wake up. Even when I'm at work I fight to keep alert. I think if I could open my eyes I could do amazing things. Why am I so tired? 

One of my absolute favorite fanarts of Craig and Tweek. If you know anything about the show,
you'll notice that they've switched idiosyncrasies in this picture. Love it. 

On a different note, I wanted to share and promote the Blood Bank Webcomic by Silb. It is absolutely amazing and it is a constant source of happy place for me. I don't know when or if a printed edition will be coming out but I'll put aside money and buy the shit out of it. Such a great fresh look at vampires and BDSM. 

Shell and One from Blood Bank. I can't stress enough how excellent the art and writing are.

The other source of silly happiness for me has, of course, been Craig and Tweek from South Park. I've recently binged on more South Park than you can shake a stick at (even a large stick!) and I am rather in love with Creek (the fandom name for shipping Craig and Tweek.) It's silly. But I don't care. It makes me happy. Also as fill this blog with pics of my two OTP couples, I notice that I do sort of favor the black-haired-blue-eyed seme with the blond-haired-green-eyed uke. Interesting.

 

Another great fanart of Tweek and Craig.

Hashiburi desu ne?

Which means 'it's been a while, yeah?' And it has been a while since I've posted. The only reason I'm settling down enough to post a blog at the moment is because my head is about to explode if I don't stop moving so here I am. Things have been busy. With it so very close to Christmas and Yule I'm really feeling the brunt of not having much money. People are going to be getting home made gifts this year (not that home made is anything to sneer at) but typically I like being able to spoil friends when I can. However, the gifts Hannah is making are truly wonderful and will spoil our friends nicely I think. Also this year I've decided for my friends who live far away (beyond a few hours drive to reach) that I'm going to do a fun and interactive Christmas/Yule gift this year. And I have a weekend off coming up during which I hope to get most of this done and then as soon as I'm paid again, get it all mailed out. 

At the moment I'm 'resting.' On Tuesday, whatever it is that Hannah's got (presumably the seasonal bronchitis that seems to be ringing in many peoples' December) hit me like a ton of bricks! I felt perfectly fine all day and then suddenly it just attacked me. I ended staying home from work for a while the next day but had to go in as most of our staff also is sick. Today I stayed home again and I'm really pissed about it. I wanted to be there to help and I know they really needed the assistance what with being so short staffed, but today I fell victim to laryngitis the likes of which I have never known. If I were being pursued by a murderer right now, I wouldn't even be able to call for help. Even during my worst vocal node episodes in the past, I've never felt quite this without voice. It's infuriating and a little scary. I've been sucking down warm beverages and soft foods today and come hell or high water I'm going in to work tomorrow. I may only be able to do non verbal work which sucks for my compatriots on the phones but at the same time it would free them up from having to worry about emails and other such business. I hope I have at least a little voice though. 

Aside from all of that, I've been trying to rest my body, voice, and chest... but am a restless creature when I'm laid down. So I've been cleaning a little. I cleaned the bathroom and the hallway and mopped both. I've been doing laundry too. These things have happened in quick bouts of energy that later result in pathetic, voiceless whimpering curled up on the couch. We've been watching old movies like "An Affair to Remember," and "How to Catch a Thief." We started "Sunset Boulevard" this morning and had to keep going back as we would either fall asleep or had other things going on. Somehow I managed to whine enough (via Hannah who acted as my voice) to my parents that they actually came over for a little bit to tend their sick daughters. They brought the makings for hot toddies and some soups. In exchange for that I made them pancakes with blueberries and coffee. And every time I opened my mouth to try a hoarse whisper of conversation they shut that shit right down. It was frustrating. But at the same time I was really missing the 'mom' and 'dad' voice. 

In other news, Christmas/Yule is on its way! We've been decorating the house and apart from the fact that it looks disheveled as hell in the aftermath of our sickness, the winter theme is coming through quite nicely. Which brings me full circle. Christmas and Yule this year... I am very sad at my lack of finances. Next year may be even worse but for now I'm going to do my best to try and embrace the 'thought' and 'intentions' that make gift giving more important than any gift. 

Recently watched the full series of Death Parade and really enjoyed it.

I wanted to share the ending theme for those who might be interested. 

Such a sad and psychological anime. I loved every minute of it!

Computer, Hotels, and Gore! Oh, my!

First I'll so an update on the not-so-fun stuff.  My new computer from Vizio has yet to appear even though I received an email from them on the fourth of this month indicating it had been sent.  I have called and was promised a return call within forty-eight hours and that was more than forty-eight hours ago.  I've been using my father's computer in the living room for the majority of my internet stuffs and writing.  Today I got my mom's wireless keyboard to work for my old laptop (you know, the one missing the 'F' key) and have been using that today.  I did manage to get some writing done at the library but then after we came home I started my period and pretty much curled up into a little ball of misery.  Meds, heating pad on high, and nap.  Repeat.  And now I'm feeling a bit better.

The other thing that's not-so-fun is that I have to get my hotel accommodations figured out for Boston for Hannah, Eileen, and myself and there's a special rate for Solstice people... a rate that I'm not getting for some reason.  I called and was promised that I would receive an email within 72 hours giving me the reduced rate or giving me a counter offer rate.  As it stands right now I'm stuck with a rate of $199 a night and that doesn't include tax or parking.  That's bullshit.  This promised turn around time was promised much longer than 72 hours ago.  So that means I have two places to call tomorrow.  I'm not happy about this but I suppose that's what being an adult is all about - calling people when you don't want to and being generally disappointed afterwards.  Being an adult sucks.

Something a bit more fun is that last night we had a surprise retirement party for the Assistant Manager at the bra store.  The party was held at the the Manager's house and she cooked homemade lasagna for everyone.  It was a great party but also a little sad.  We're all really going to miss the Assistant Manager.  She's been there over twenty years and has been a wonderful presence on the floor as well as behind the scenes in the office.  The Manager made a toast to her and it was beautiful and tearful.  We drank, we ate, we had delicious cake!  I learned that I may be allergic to alcohol.  I drank almost a whole bottle of wine and while I did feel a nice warm buzz, I felt something else too!  I felt itching in the soles of my feet and in the palms of my hands.  And eyes even went itchy and got all fuzzy.  This happened the last time I drank too and I was positively miserable from the itching of my feet.  I drank hard cider not too long ago and it didn't seem to affect me in a negative way aside from some heartburn but the last two times I've really consumed a large amount of alcohol this has happened so... I'm not sure what that means or if the alcohol is even to blame.  Could be a spice, who knows.  But I do know it sucks.  Just like being an adult sucks.

You know what doesn't suck though?  Attack on Titan (Shingeki no Kyojin) definitely doesn't suck.  It's an anime that Hannah and I binged watched the last couple of nights.  We watched fourteen bloody episodes and can't wait to finish it.  It's really exciting and like most dystopian art pieces, it shows the delicate balance of the outside and inside threats.  The characters are amazing, too.  And the animation when they are in battle and using their omnidirectional gear is stellar!  The premise of the story is that giant humanoid beings appeared suddenly on earth and pretty much ate humanity to near extinction.  Humans are now hidden behind giant walls that keep the huge predators out but as with every perfect system, it fails.  It's pretty intense to watch giant human faces munching down on any little human they can get their hands on.  What's even worse is that the giants (so called Titans in the anime) don't even require food to survive.  They are eating us just for fun.  Pretty shitty, huh?  I love it!  After I finish more work on Death Man, Hannah and I are going to binge through and finish the series and then start watching Blue Exorcist.  

Also, we are going to finish reading No. 6 just as soon as the library gets in the copies I put on hold a little while ago.  It's a pretty hot series right now and a lot of people are checking it out so it may be a while before we get our turn.  All of this dystopian anime is really getting me in the mood for teaching my class.

This next residency I have to teach an hour long lecture on the things I learned while writing my critical thesis.  It's all about dystopian world building and I would like to share with you, because I can, the class description that I recently had to turn in for the director of our program.  

Dystopian World Building and Other Disasters

“People ask me whether I feel any hope for the future. I want to say to you: Yes, I do. I absolutely do. Not hope for the human race; we’re screwed. But I feel tremendous hope for the Insect Overlords who shall succeed us as masters of the Earth.” ― M.T. Anderson

What’s the difference between a dystopian world and a ‘normal’ one?  How does one create that difference through narrative voice? In this class we’ll explore dystopian world building by breaking it down into key elements.  I’ll be drawing heavily from M.T. Anderson’s Feed to demonstrate how narrative voice can create a fully realized dystopian backdrop without muddying up the story with extraneous information.  

                                                                                                     

Suggested Reading: Feed by M.T. Anderson, The Road by Cormac McCarthy

Suggested Viewing: Equilibrium, WALL-E, District 13, Repo! The Genetic Opera

Questions:  In Feed (and other dystopian movies and books) what is at stake when a character resists the controlling element?  What does the phrase ‘make the strange familiar and the familiar strange’ mean to you?

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

The good is that I have an interview tomorrow with the District Manager for the L'eggs Hanes Bali store in Post Falls.  If I do well, I may be offered the position of Third Key.  This is good.  But even better is that next Thursday I have another interview.  This one is for the Public Services Associate position for the Spokane Valley Library.  I want this one.  Oh, I want this one so bad!  I'm happy that I made it to the interview stage (and what's even more exciting is that they called me the day after I dropped off my application!) and as long as I don't make a fool out of myself, I think I have a really good chance.  If I do land this job, that means that Hannah and I will be getting out asses to Spokane in the very near future.

We have looked online and in person at several apartments in the area and the one that we've both pretty much fallen in love with is Valley 206.  This apartment complex has everything we could possibly want and it's one of the more reasonably priced ones that we checked out.  The location is a little strange and it's going to suck during heavy ice and snow this winter but, hey, that's why we have a Jeep, right?  Also it's super close to the Library where I *crosses fingers* might be working.

The bad is that this computer - the one I am using until my new Vizio laptop arrives - is really just about kaput.  There's a double line running vertically on the monitor where some pixels have frozen or broken somehow, the front corners of the main body are chipped away and cracked, it runs at an astounding glacial speed, it is given to overheating, and today I broke the 'F' key.  Not an F1 or other various F key.  The 'F' key.  The one I use to spell fuck.  Normally this would only be a minor set back, but today is Death Man day and I've had some major issues getting the story down when the F key flips off the keyboard when I use it too frequently.  Oh, well.  New computer will be here soon, I just have to keep telling myself this.

The ugly is my dirty little secret: I'm obsessed with No. 6.  I have read the first six volumes of the manga and seen the first four episodes of the anime.  It's been a great source of inspiration for me with Death Man as it features a religiously driven hegemonic society that calls itself a utopia but is, in fact, a monumental dystopia.  The main characters Rat (Nezumi) and Shion remind me a bit of my Death Man and Simon but not in any way that makes me go 'oh no, my novel's already been written!'  No, this story is nothing like Death Man but has a similar enough flavor that it has nourished me in my own endeavors.