Ever Seeking, Never Finding

I've been applying for technical writing jobs in the area and I'm not feeling the love so much. I know that it's not personal, I know that I'm a talented individual with much to offer and blah blah blah but sometimes, rejection after rejection after rejection can really start to feel personal. I feel like I deserve a good job. I deserve a good life. Don't I? Maybe I don't. Maybe I'm not as good a person as I thought. But of course that's just insecurity and depression talking. Isn't it?

I'm completely useless right now. I'm not writing and I'm not working a job that can give us the things we need. I work at L'eggs Hanes Bali for a pittance that keeps allows me to make minimum payments on all the credit cards I had to get to supplement my pittance. Right now the priority has become the job. Which is unfortunate. I wish the priority was writing. But circumstances outside my control make it impossible for it to be the main thing. I guess. Ugh.

I keep feeling that if I just get a good job, and just get an apartment so that we can have our own space and all that, that things will get better. And this is kind of bullshit. Things are always going to be in chaos and I know that. I just want a break from being a bra-fitter, a break from being a grad-student, a break from debt, a break from life! And I won't get a break from anything so I just need to suck it up and keep applying. I'm afraid to even think about the student loans.

Onward and upward. I'm going to be applying for Tedder Industries today as a creative copywriter. But here's the thing, it's to write about second amendment rights and conceal carry. While I'm comfortable with guns in my house and comfortable around guns, I don't know that I want to tell the world they need guns! I don't think most people should have guns, and I also believe that if outlawing all guns this very instant would help with the violence in our country I'd give up my gun in a heartbeat. So how am I going to work for a company whose success hinges upon more and more people getting guns and conceal carry licenses? I know I could do my job, but will I feel good doing it, is the question. I guess I'll cross that bridge if I get a damn interview. I haven't managed one of those since 2014. I'm getting a little discouraged.

List Update and Tacos

Recently I reconnected with family from Colorado. My "long-story-short" adoptive Auntie and Brother were up here for the weekend until today. I learned a few things while they were here. Some of the things I learned were incident while others were directly because of the visit. Nevertheless, here are some of the things I learned about myself, about others, and about the universe this past weekend:

1. I absolutely hate celery seed. There are times I will tolerate the hint of celery in a sauce or the actual presence of it in a stew, but celery seeds are repugnant.
2. I believe in olive oil. 
3. Frankie can't handle his liquor. And he doesn't like being laughed at either.
4. Taco Tuesday!
5. In the great debate of money versus happiness, I choose happiness, much to the chagrin of my Auntie who seems to think that money will make everything all right.
6. I don't really want a government job.
7. Nearly all of my close friends and associates (the people I hang with) suffer from mental/physical problems. Many rely on SSI. And almost everyone is poor. Some are making it, some are struggling. Some have worked damn hard to get where they are and are pillars of humility and generosity. No one is rich. Not really. And all of my friends are fragile from time to time. And yet I still like them and don't want to hang with a "better" crowd.
8. Did I mention Taco Tuesday? $6 all you can eat tacos every Tuesday at Azteca after 4PM!
9. It really bothers me when people come into my home and try to "retrain" my cat to better suit their expectations. This is her home. Back off.
10. I don't like Kohl's.
11. I'm so Borderline sometimes that I cannot fucking function.
12. Depression meds are my friend.
13. I love skulls on my clothing.
14. I love opals. And I want an opal in my engagement/wedding ring.
15. There are people out there who are unaware of marriage equality. Their ignorance disturbs me.

"You want me off this table? Oh, well, it doesn't hurt you to want. Pbbbbbt!"

Faith and New Ideas for Death Man

The past few days have been a blur. My friend from Solstice, Faith, came to visit me while she attended the Sasquan (World Con) Convention in Spokane area. It was such a treat getting to spend time with her and she really kicked my ass on brainstorming and storyboarding for my novel. I asked her to help me figure out how the hell to make three books out of my massive missive of mischief. And she did. Now I just have to keep with it, I'm excited because I've restructured my hierarchy a little, changed some of my beloved characters' names (neither Faith nor Hannah were happy about that!) and also figured out the ten commandments of my theocracy. Pretty much I made everyone's lives a bit worse in the novel and have given the slave boys something very, very dangerous and depressing: hope. 

I have a French/English dictionary waiting for me at the Library and once I pick that up I'm going to begin fucking with the language. One of my goals when I started this Dystopian was to create a bastardized Frenchlish language similar to the Nadsat language Burgess created in 'A Clockwork Orange.' I freaking love that book. I'm going to re-read it this next week to get me in the mood for language making.

I'm going to reformulate my map of the city as well. I think for me the best thing to do will be to have a crystal clear vision of the defamiliarization of the novel before I really delve into this new draft. Now, don't worry, I'm not scraping the old draft. Most of it is incredibly workable. But I will be rewriting a great deal of it and then editing and revising from there. Which is why I need to get my ass in the chair and get going on the actual work. The novel is going to be tight. It really will be. And I know the changes I'm making are going to help. At least I'm fairly certain they are. So now I need to finish up the draft and put it away for a bit so I can work on number two and number three. By the end of this year I will have Book One of the Death Man trilogy print ready. That's my goal. I don't have much year left, however, so the pressure is on.

The Commandments of the Theocracy

1. The Luminary is God incarnate. The Luminary’s Word is Law.
2. None but the Luminary and the Elderkin may read or compose writing. Slaves, Paysan, and Gendarme shall not read or produce writing of any form. To read or write on their own is to incur death
3. Apostasy is the greatest crime and demands the highest restitution else the offending party shall die.
4. All shall attend at least one Tournament and ten executions a year and will be punished for lax behaviour.
5. Slaves must obey all commands unless it directly violates an order given by the Luminary. All Paysan and Gendarme must obey all commands given them by their Patrons unless it directly violates an order given by the Luminary.
6. All Death meted in honor of the Luminary is sacred and celebrated.
7. Women must obey and satisfy their Masters/husbands as it is the will of the Luminary.
8. Unless acceptable restitution is offered for crimes of civil disobedience, theft, fraud, and attempts to upset the social order, the penalty is Death.
9. All children born out of wedlock are slaves. 
10. There are monsters beyond the wall. No one shall go beyond the wall. To go beyond the wall is to incur the wrath of the Luminary and verily ye shall die.

Basic Update, Sandman, On Writing

I did not get the library job for the Spokane County. But there's a library job opening for Coeurd'Alene. So I'm applying to that tomorrow. Also I'm applying for the adjunct pool for North Idaho College. Read some tarot today and basically what I got out of it was that I need to freaking write. Just write! I have so much I need to do. This past month has been busier than anything--people in and out of the house and lots of extra stuff to do--so I'm a bit behind in my packet exchanges with E. Also this month, my friend Faith (which is her writer's nomdeplume) will be visiting. In fact, she's coming tomorrow. We're going to chat and be silly and talk about writing and publishing and all that good stuff. So, I'm hoping that by the time she leaves me the next week, I will be right back on the writing horse and ready to go! 

Recently I've been reading a crap ton of Neil Gaiman's "Sandman." It is quite amazing and I can't wait to read further. Also I'm going to check out "Morning Glory" which my friend recommended to me. In additional to all of this I'm going to read some David Levithan soon. I'm priming myself for publication in Cicada Magazine. I will most likely get a big fat rejection letter from them but I can hope, yes? So I'm doing all I can to get myself in the right mood. I figure, no matter what job I have, if I can actually make money by publishing then I will be living my dream a little and also feel more like I can provide for myself via my craft. And maybe someday... it will be my only job. Not a secondary job, not a side thing, not something I squeeze in between the day-to-day shifts. I would love that. So here's hoping for getting some shit out there soon.

In other news, I threw a few fits over the change to Windows 10. Probably I'll end up liking it, but dealing with the big change from 8.1 to 10 during a damn project was not fun. I'm working on the thank you notes for those who celebrated my graduation with me, as well as sending special and personalized notes to my mentors and directors at Solstice. I also need to work on a letter of recommendation for my friend who is applying. I have so much writing I need to do! It's exciting but a tad overwhelming. While my friend is here, she is going to be attending a conference for sci-fi writers. While she's busy with that, I'm thinking Hannah and I need to spend some time together (we've sort of lost touch with each other the last few months like ships passing in the night so to speak), and also do some serious writing, Loving the Stephen King book "On Writing" right now. And he says that the only thing you can't take lightly is the actual writing, He's right. I need to sit down and take every moment of it seriously. It is a blessing and a curse. I am ready to enjoy the telepathy of writing and finally reach my audiences.

Submissions, Job Applications, and Lots of People!

I recently submitted my short story to two Literary Magazines: Isthmus Review and Seven Circle Press. I did the online submission option but will be sending some out via snail mail in the next week or two. So I'm excited about that. 

But also, today, I submitted my application to the Spokane County Library District. I applied there earlier this year (way earlier this year), and am applying again for a slightly different but similar position. It took about five hours to finish all the materials for the application. I did my best to cover as much of the job description and organization principles in my cover letter as I could without making it bulky or unreasonably long. Ugh. I really want to get called in for an interview. I'm going to practice and practice and do such an awesome job this time. That's where I blew it last time I think. It was the interview. I want to deliver my interview the way I'm trying to write short stories, which is with brevity and a punch. I need this job. I really need this job. Not only for financial security but also for my soul. Writing and books are my life and I don't see myself being happy long term at a job that doesn't involve both. So I really need this job. Oh, I need it! 

In other news, I've had a very busy end of July and start of August. Last week, my friends A and B took Hannah and I to Silverwood, which is an old-timey themed amusement park. It was amazing. I used to go to Silverwood quite a bit when I was younger and then I recently went with my cousin Amber not that long ago but this was really special because it was the first time I'd ever gone to there with these two friends and we had all been planning and wanting this for probably the past five years. We played in the waterpark--the wave pool was amazing!--and afterwards we made our way through the park tasting of various rides and rollercoasters. By the end we were all pretty exhausted and poor Hannah had so much fun in the wave pool jumping and swimming that she was rather spent most of the day. But it was a really pleasant memory. I loved it. 

And now I have cousin Kat staying with us for the next week or so. It's so nice to reconnect with her and I'm excited for the time when she'll finally move back to Idaho. She'll be in Moscow and not up near us, but that will still be a helluva lot closer than Tulsa, OK. She's here for a short while and I'm so sad that I'm going to be working for most of that time. Still, we'll make the most of it! Tonight we're watching a scary movie and camping out in the living room. I sort of think ice cream would be the perfect addition to the evening. But that would involve driving. And it's hot! So we'll see.