Posting for three days of Tarot and August Break

I did actually keep up with the Tarot draws and the August Break during my three day weekend. I just didn't have the time or the energy to post much. So here goes:

Day 26: Oranges (I chose to go the literal route)

I put some oranges outside around my cute baby Blue Spruce. This was while I was at my mother's house making decorations for Hannah's cake. 

Day 26: Queen of Wands

I used the Mini Mucha Tarot Deck that my friend, Twin B, brought up with her for the weekend. This card relates to a fierce relationship with a mature and honest woman. I have many beautiful mature, honest women in my life but I think this day the card may have been reminding me to keep a good relationship with myself. I had a bit of a breakdown earlier that day and felt rather worthless and pathetic. So for the rest of that day I focused on being nicer to myself. 

Day 27: Little (little doodles in my past student planners, little doodles that make Hannah question her decision to marry me)

Day 27: The Hermit

"Ahead of us lies an open stage, a landscape of uncharted territory. This unknown opened land is inhabited by the hermit, who is here to seek enlightenment. It is important for each of us to experience silence and listen to our inner voices. The Phantasmagoric Theatre has closed and we must learn to make use of this valuable time to grow. The hermit transport us to a new landmark, allowing us to look more deeply within ourselves. A time of meditation is upon us. The hermit is a contemplative person.  He travels upon a historical stone and faces the past to better understand the future. The hermit represents a time for self inquiry."

Fiona did this reading for me via the telephone yesterday. She drew the Hermit from the Phantasmagoric Theatre Tarot. A nice change from wands and pentacles. This figure in the Major Arcana relates to us Virgos (hence the Astrological symbol on the Hermit's floating zen mat) and calls us to the alone-ness within. I had had a very hard day the day before and did find it necessary to do some introspection. 

Day 28: I am... (to finish the statement: I am David Bowie. Finally my shrine is complete sans a few quotes and a couple more pictures I'm still planning to add.) P.S. These pics were taken with a friends camera which is why they look somewhat decent and aren't made of suck.

Day 28: Page of Swords

I drew this card from the Cachet Tarot at a friend's apartment today. The Page of Swords represents an invitation to something. He is standing ready to accompany me to clarity and understanding. But this card also means that to gain clarity, I may have to go through a period of trials and tests. So part of this card is deciding how I want it to go down. I'm ready to go on this journey and the open window in the card speaks of opportunity and transparency and honesty, but when it comes down to it, do I really have the courage to use that sword in order to find what I'm looking for? However, I know I won't be alone. I need to trust my friends and family to support me when I make my move.

"I'm engaged to a Serial Killer" or "Cleaning Day with Amanda"

When I was in high school we had yearly student planners and while I did use them as planners I also used them as diaries/doodle pads/swear word generators/incriminating evidence lockers. By this I mean I filled my student planners with things that expressed my really exacerbated teenage angst. To add to the gore (both written and drawn) I was going through a marvelous serial killer phase at the time. My choice books were the A-Z serial killer reference books as well as detailed accounts of Jeffrey Dahmer and John Wayne Gacy. So of course my quotes and doodles were almost always grotesque. 

Tonight, while cleaning out the Bowie room (our library/spare bedroom) I decided it was time to get rid of these old student planners that I've been carting around with me all this time. But first I needed to flip through them to see who I was and reflect on who I've become. With Hannah beside me I thumbed through my high school year. All the calendar days were marked off so violently that the exes and scribbles left indents in about five of the following pages. At the beginning of each mother there was a doodle depicting something being eaten, vivisected, or exuding some sort of mucous. I drew guillotines and warped mermaid-centaurs, I wrote sonnets of nothing but four letter words worthy of a Quentin Tarantino film, I stuck several pages together with gum chewed by my classmates, and used red pen to make almost everything bleed.

As I went through these planners, marveling and giggling at how "fucked up" I was, Hannah's expression turned from concern to actual unease. She looked a bit shaken. "You're a fucking serial killer," she said and I assured her I wasn't. I told that these journals were from a time when I was dealing with teenage drama and suffering from a lack of proper medication. "But look how far I've come from that time," I told her. "Not that far," was her response. In my desperation to prove to her that I wasn't really that bad back then, I picked up a notebook from late high school/early college and scanned the fading pencil marks. "Hmm, let's see," I said and then, "Oh! That's right, these are the notes for my serial killer screenplay." At this point Hannah fled the room. 

I cornered her in the bedroom. "Hannah, you're still going to marry me though, right?" Because that's not a creepy thing to say to a woman who thinks you're a psychopath. "Amanda," she said, "I'm not sure I even want to sleep in the same bed as you!" Me: "But I swear I've never killed anyone!" Hannah: "Yet!" The moral of this story, wait the full ten years before you show your mate how truly fucked up you are; nine years is still too soon. 

I'm happy report we're sleeping in the same bed. The old student planners are gone now (or at least in the trash waiting removal) but I figure the trauma they've caused will last for a long time. Chaos, panic, and suspicion that one's mate might be a serial killer.... my work here is done. Excuse me as I giggle myself to sleep.   

Handwriting and Two of Wands

At work I keep a journal and it is filled a bit of everything: work notes, diary-like entries, bus routes and schedules, clipped pictures and notes, and several handwritten notices from our subscribers. I keep some of these because they are interesting and I keep others because they are amazing examples of handwriting. Most of these examples come from a generation that saw/felt the effects first hand of the Great Depression. Most of these people don't believe trust computers or the internet. Some are even baffled by cell phones. They make me think, a little, bit of my father and seeing the old hand writing makes me very nostalgic and happy. Even if the letter says something like "You're a terrible company and I want to cancel!" the pretty script in which these words are written still make me smile. 

This is also in the journal - it's my own handwriting detailing some of my favorite Bowie lyrics. The song is "Teenage Wildlife" and I wrote it on the folded over back of the Bowie obituary that the Spokesman-Review produced the morning after his death.

For the Tarot draw today: I drew a Two of Wands from Anne Stokes' Gothic Tarot Deck. It is a leap of faith, deep within the mind's eye. You have the strength to stand before the abyss and rise above it on wings of your newfound power.

My interpretation of the card for today: The cards in this deck are so beautiful but the minor arcana use similar images with the wands, pentacles, swords, and chalices varying in number. So instead of pulling from a detailed picture, we pull from the archetypal meanings of Wand and Two. Wands are usually representative of fire speaks of spirit and passion and action. A Two speaks of balance or imbalance and places us at the beginning of a journey. 

Today, before the draw, I was thinking about my upcoming trips this week and weekend. I see this card as a nod to embrace whatever is meant to happen during my traveling. To trust that the goddess will protect me (it's kind of a scary drive south of Moscow, ID to the family reunion) and that she will teach me what I need to know. The Two reminds me to keep my fun and work in check. To enjoy myself during this much needed vacation but to not stray too far from the things I need to accomplish. There are Two dragons on the card and I see them as Hannah and myself embarking on this adventure. Not just the adventure that's coming up this weekend, but (as we've discussing wedding plans more and more) the start of the adventure of our life time.

Day 1: Unicorns and More

I couldn't capture the morning light (I will be doing that one later) so today I went for a walk down town during my lunch hour in search of a Unicorn. I found it. (As all innocent young maidens do, you know!) I walked up past the Fox Theatre and looked down at all the stars on the pavement. I saw one that begged to be taken a picture of.

There in a star, just like a perfect sign, the name "August." I feel inspired. 

On the Corner of First and Monroe there is a little place called The Gilded Unicorn that I've been wanting to eat at for some time. It's where the old Catacombs Pub used to be and from what the Inlander says, this place is really worth visiting. Though honestly, any place with Unicorn in the title is worth visiting. 

This is painted on the wall brick side of the Montvale building facing Monroe.

They painted over the Catacombs Pub sign. I sort of miss the creepiness of the other sign

but it was a bit confusing with the old sign pointing merrily at the new pub.

Look at all that lovely construction reflected in the front window. 

As I walked back toward work, I thought about how crummy it's been downtown with all the construction and yet it, too, is a blessing in disguise. People are having to go slower, have to watch more, and having to walk more too! Several of the main bus stops are closed. I thought this sign was particularly fun: 

Most of the time they post actual closings and reroutes on these boards
at the stops, but not so here. Here, you best "get walking!"

Last of the pictures: I have worked in the Spokesman-Review and Chronicle Building for almost a year now and I've reveled in the Gothic architecture and old mystery of the place. But today, for the first time, I noticed little faces as I entered the Chronicle Building, Sprague-side. There are four of these little gremlin-like things framing the large double doors that are already framed with strained glass depicting the early scribes and editors of the writing craft. I love discovering new things amidst places of familiarity. 

Size: approximately softball. Creep factor/silliness: surpassing adequate.
Favorite pastime: flossing and sniffing fear.

That concludes the August Break part of the blog post for today. I doubt they will always be this detailed. Know that I'll probably settle for title-pic-caption for many of these August Break posts. Today's pictures were taken with my crappy little Blackberry. I shall use the Nikon in the future and get some pictures that truly are worth a thousand words and then I won't have to write as much. Isn't that how it works? Anyway, onward to the Tarot/Divination card draw!

Today I drew from my Angelarium deck. This isn't technically an oracle or tarot deck. It's a game but it's based so accurately on angel and tree of life mythology and energy that it is one of my favorite places to look for messages and connect to the divine.

At their very center lies an empty place. The space where there is no Tree of Life. Its existence is only visible in the shadow left behind all other things. Da'at does not exist.

Da'at
-The Emptiness-

 

Da'at is the blessed container. Da'at is relief and flexible. The grateful bearer of Burdens.

"Ein Soph fills the world with so much Light, it opens the eyes of Creation and widens the mouth of Existence. The many faces of Da'at turn and turn in that Light , catching the overflow within the Crown of the Mind. Da'at holds the Sephirot as some words might carry many meanings.”  

My interpretation: I've drawn Da'at many times and oftentimes for me it means to "be nothing" for a little while. Nothingness and emptiness are not bad things. They are necessary. Shadow is created when something nullifies the light. It is an emptiness of light. And yet it only exists because of the light. This has many interpretations but today I see in it the call to meditation and possibility. Slow down and feel the emptiness of absences, feel the warm of presences, and open yourself up to acknowledge these things. Close your eyes and listen to the white noise of life until it becomes nothing but a latent heartbeat. Clear your mind, isn't that how it goes at the start of every meditation? Clear your mind. Focus only on your breath. You can't see the air that composes your breath. It is nothingness and yet it is everything. Focus on the breath that you can't see. Feel it. Use it. And be Da'at. It's good to stop being silly humans once in a while and remember that we are all part of something much bigger. We are a million breaths with some skin thrown on top and the possibilities are endless. 

Philosophy Class Nostalgia

Whilst perusing my external hard drive and looking for old papers from college, I stumbled across my lengthy and elaborate Philosophy Journal.  I recall the many, many times I would put these entries off til the last minute and find myself rushing to the library to compose a one to two page paper, scour the internet for ideas/sources/creative quote, then print that puppy out and sprint to class.  I was quite the procrastinator, but, if I do say so myself, I was a successful procrastinator.  Having to think in the spur of the moment worked for journal entries because I was a great deal more honest in my assessments.  Just for fun, I selected the last dated entry from the file and decided to share it here.  It is not a fabulous example of my writing (note the date: I was twenty-one and probably sauced up on Bloody Mary's at the time) and there are many ideas that I touched on that I should have expanded upon or ignored completely, but I'm not going to edit it beyond the omission of unnecessary commas.  I still find this overall assessment to be very relevant and I'm glad that I reminded myself of them after all this time.

Where there is a lack of higher thought and drive and creativity, we fall into baseness and become mindless proponents of the biological imperative as well as pleasure addicts.  However, sexuality and sex, when used intelligently in writing, music and movies, can add volumes to plot and character.  So, I suppose, were I to have written this entry nowadays, I would say that, yes, our society is in trouble, but as far as sex and creativity (specifically writing) goes: creativity can enhance the expression of sex, and sex can enhance overall creativity; but sex for sex's sake is a waste of the author's and reader's time.

Something else I want to point out is that I was fucking brilliant!  I was on the ball enough to directly link emotionless promiscuity to an Apollonian society when such an idea would almost always be linked to the Dionysian end of the spectrum!  Interestingly enough to note, in Apollonian ideals, sex is logistical and practical; it is exercise and stress relief.  In Dionysian ideals, sex is glorified because it feels good and is addictive.  In both extremes sex becomes nothing more than a means to an end and since neither extreme allows for a healthy and happy society, it can be assumed that an overall trend of emotionless sex is bad.  Kind of makes you think.  Maybe it's not good for the government (or other forms of propaganda) to actively seek to limit or promote sex.  Maybe it would be better for us as individuals to aspire to healthy (and even creative) sex practices that lead to strong bonds and lasting attachment.  I'm just saying.

I would also say that sexual energy, sexuality, and sex itself can be very important in the creative process.  There is nothing wrong with sexual pictures, sexual books, sex scenes, sexual music and freedom of sexual expression; the problem is when such things cease to be art and cease to be healthy.  The problem is when these things become a hollow obsession.  There is indeed a difference between art and erotica and while one may nurture more than the other, I don't know that a steady diet of either is all that beneficial to a persons full creative potential.  Use sex to improve your writing; don't rely on it as your only trick in the book.

Without further ado (and scatter-brained rambling), here is my old journal entry:

Journal 4/19/05

Apollonian Sex

Amanda LaFantasie © April 2005

            I have touched on the idea of our society moving toward Apollonian in other journal entries.  Now, I am more adamant than ever that we really are approaching an unhealthy peak.  My evidence for this is the intriguingly large margin for rebellion that we, as a society, have put together.  The main issue at hand is sex.  Sex, or sexual intercourse, or any sexual act or fetish, used to be a second thought, rather than a first.  Because the first thought was always the advancement of the proletariat or at least a better understanding of one's purpose within one's society or environment.  We no longer have to worry about what our place is, because laws and regulations and social security numbers preordain our societal calling.  When we lack creativity, we turn toward sexuality.  More and more, this idea of free love and promiscuous sex creeps into movies, music, and literature, and the overlying theme surrounding the sex is that it is no big deal. 

            A few books that illustrate free love and the idea that sex is great (especially if it doesn't result in offspring) are: A Brave New World by Aldous Huxley and The Wanting Seed by Anthony Burgess.  In Huxley's book, which shows division of labor among the classes, promotes the idea to its characters that "promiscuity is a citizen's duty," and that sex is a great outlet for such hardworking citizens.  But this society also provided very elitist methods of contraceptive control, and babies were the product of necessity to maintain balance, and were created in a controlled environment.  The Burgess book didn't go to such lengths as to control the actual production of children, but it did limit the number families could have, as well as monitor people and force abortion on excessive pregnancy.  Also, the book, in very much the same manner as Aldous's book, put out propaganda messages about sex, including a statement that homosexuality was the only way to be if one wanted society to prosper. 

            I think homosexuality is great, and people finding love with other people, is also great, but, at this point, it seems to be the only thing we have going for us in a creative venue.  We turn everything to sex, or at least we want to.  Stanley Kubrick's intent with Burgess's A Clockwork Orange, was to show how a society stops functioning when sex is the predominant force.  Everything in the movie (set wise) was covered in phallic and yonic symbols.  I used to think that this was an overstatement, but now I realize that what Tuff said in class was absolutely true: when we lack creativity we turn to sexuality. 

            The over abundance, and supposed acceptance, of such a sexual atmosphere in today's society is what proves that we truly have moved into an Apollonian age.