Computer, Spirituality, and the Little Things

In about a week I will have my new computer.  I purchased a Lenovo off of Amazon.  I got to see this model, touch it, play around with it at Best Buy and was pretty impressed.  I liked the keys and the mouse which were two of my biggest issues with the Vizio (the biggest issue of course being that it liked to shut off for no fucking reason).  I'm already tentatively calling it Lenny but we'll see what kind of personality shows up when it arrives.  It's a 15.6" screen which is pretty much run of the mill and it was under $400.  I almost purchased a really neat Acer at the Spokane Valley Walmart the other night but it was the display and I just didn't reel right about it.  So instead I went with this other route.  I really hope that this Lenovo and I can get along and be friends for a really long time. 

In other news, I attended the IEPG's Wiccan Spirituality Circle on Saturday night and enjoyed it immensely.  We talked about history and about the Wiccan Creed.  It had a nice energy and also coffee and apple cider.  It was awesome.  Our homework for the Lunar Cycle is to develop personal creeds for ourselves that feature our belief systems/feelings about how we operate within the world.  For me personally, I'm a bit eclectic when it comes to spirituality.  I lean toward Buddhist Philosophy, Heathenry, and Witchery.  I view spells as prayers to the universe and I think that people do better emotionally, physically, and spiritually when we connect to the earth and respect it as a living entity.  These are some of the things I'm going to work out in my Creed.  I might share it here.  I'm thinking it will be in poem form, or light prose.  We read the Desiderata at the Circle and it spoke to all of us very strongly.  

In other, other news I accomplished two things today: I helped my father program his new universal remote and I changed the bulb in my headlight.  It's not much, but small accomplishments are all I have right now.  Both cars have fuel, all the kitties are alive and well, I renewed my library books for more time, I faxed off my resume to another apartment job, and I have shaving cream.  Tonight I'm going to finish up some stuff for my Mentor, shave my legs, keep warm, and possibly drink some alcohol.  I'm really having a hard time with the season change.  The cold and the early dark add to my depression ten-fold.  I have to celebrate the little things to keep going.  So here's to a working headlight, a computer on the way, and a creed in the making.

Stimulating the Subconscious

Tarot of the Witches

Hannah and I have been exploring tarot.  We've always been interested in it as an art form as well as for divination.  The thing about tarot that I love the most is that it is basically a 78 card deck of therapy.  It all comes from interpretation, perspective, and an understanding of archetype.  And it's all about the subconscious.  It's a beautiful way to examine yourself and others and it's private while being public, simple while being faceted, and can leave lasting impressions despite its ephemeral nature.  Last week, Hannah, a friend, and I attended a tarot card 101 class with the Inland Northwest Pagan Guild.  The woman who led the class was very personable and knowledgeable and let us look at many different decks and spreads.  

Shadowscapes Tarot

One of the sample decks that I kind of fell in love with was the Shadowscapes Deck by artist Stephanie Pui-Mun Law.  We purchased it today at Hastings and I'm already enamored with it.  That makes three decks between us: The Tarot of the Witches, The Stone Tarot, and Shadowscapes Tarot.

The Stone Tarot

Today I did a small self reading.  I know that some people don't do self readings, but, for practice purposes and also because I am at such a strange place emotionally, I felt moved to go ahead with a basic nine card spread for past, present, and future.  I used my friend's Mystic Faerie Tarot Deck and drew the Nine of Swords (inverted), Seven of Wands (inverted), and Three of Swords (inverted) for my past.  Interestingly enough, the suit I seem to get the most in any reading so far has been swords.  The meaning of all three together was that I've made a compromise and felt a great loss in it, but the world isn't going to end, my worry and grief will not consume me.  For my present I drew: the King of Swords (upright), the Ace of Wands (inverted), and the Six of Pentacles (inverted).  These cards all spoke of need.  I have huge intellectual needs as well as lesser obvious emotional needs, and I need someone to help me understand it all, and I desperately need something new.  Honestly tarot may just be that something new.  For the future, my cards were the Knight of Pentacles (upright), the Four of Pentacles (upright), and the Priest (upright).  I found it rather fitting that my past cards were all inverted while my future cards were all upright.  My future, according to the cards, must needs be one of discipline and ritual in vocation, education, and spirituality.  I may need a teacher for these things and may become the teacher myself, but, in the end, through my patient devotion to beauty and serious devotion to others, I will reap the benefits of my work.

The Mystic Faerie Tarot

Day Four in Boston - Sex and Other Playground Activities

Today started off with a few synopsis critiques.  One of those was mine.  At first I did have the run and hide my head in the sand reaction and felt a little upset in the tummy, but as the day progressed, the bit of shame faded and I am actually quite eager to take a nice long look at Celestyn and Alfred and rework the story from different angles.  It would be much more interesting - for instance - if the relationship between them was of a father/son sort, or if the homosexual elements were being manifested as a twisted way to perpetuate Alfred's revenge.  I'm actually pretty damn pumped and I am reminded again of how incredibly vital and wonderful it is to participate in a workshop like this as it floods your story with new possibilities.  Does that sound too cliche?  Tough.Sure it's nice to hear from friends and family that they like your piece, but it't not helpful.  They like it as it is and are afraid to tell you, guide you, show you what it 'could' be.  I was nervous about putting such a genre chapter into the mix but now I'm very glad as it has made me question a good deal many things about my own plot based issues and shortcomings.  I know where I'm strong and I know where I 'want' to be strong and today helped to reinforce that.  There was one thing that struck me as interesting: the faculty member overseeing the workshop asked me about the homosexual element and wanted me to explain why I felt that these two men needed to be together.  It was a fair question considering the time period, setting, and history behind each of them.  However, as the day wore on, I wondered if she would have asked that if one had been a girl.  There doesn't have to be a reason if it's a man and a woman because 'sometimes people just fall in love.'  I wonder if that would have been an acceptable answer to justify a homosexual entanglement born of blood ties and sensual feedings.  Perhaps I'm over thinking this and I most likely am, but it was just something that kept buzzing around my head.  With the story the way it is now, the answer really is that they just happened to fall in love.  But there might be a much different answer in the future and so, in the end, I'm glad she asked that question.

After the workshop I attended a Graduate Lecture on raw material and active imagination.  The woman leading the lecture asked us how many of us still play and I was glad that I could raise my hand high and proud.  This bled into the idea of spontaneity and the use of our subconscious energy.  In a nutshell for a writer: this is when your characters take over!  It was a great lecture that touched on Jungian psychology as well as lucid dreaming and meditation techniques.  I learned that I am a professional day dreamer and I learned that it's natural to have the sense that the character is doing their own thing.  What that means is that you are tapping into your subconscious and allowing it to form in its own way via your character/narrator.  I like letting 'him' or 'her' take control honestly; it makes for richer characters and much more honest interpretations of the world and humanity.

I napped in the student center today and woke up to a commercial for SNHU which boasts a Creative Writing program that takes place completely online.  I cannot fully describe just how utterly horrifying it would be to have followed through with my application to Southern New Hampshire University and to not be here right now, to be stuck in my room without any notion of who my classmates and professors really are.  Anyone considering distance learning should look into low-residency as it allows for a sense of home and family and invigorates rather than frustrates the learning process.  No matter how scared and nervous I was at the thought of undertaking my MFA at Pine Manor College, I honestly can't imagine being anywhere else right now.  Sappy, I know, but I think I've already fallen in love with the program and can't wait to see familiar faces again in June.

During dinner we talked about food and sex.  It all began when a fellow writer imparted to me that eating an oyster is like taking a bite of the ocean, and it's better than sex.  This piqued my interest and it went all downhill from there.  Pretty soon we were talking about the mating habits of slugs and how binge drinking doesn't mix well with seafood.  Also we compared sex to the act of cooking wherein I decided I am premature ejaculator.  I go in, I set up the ingredients, I preheat the oven, I look around and throw up my hands and say "I"M DONE!!!"  And when I'm not prematurely ejaculating, I'm a straight-up sex slave.  Hannah has me in there cutting up onions, bell peppers, and whatever else needs mutilated and then she has me set water on to boil, start the rice, stir the batter, check the cookies, stick a toothpick in the quiche... you know, all the grunt work.  The kitchen is a very sexual and dangerous place and I don't think I'll ever be able to separate sex and cooking in my mind from here on out.  That and the fact that mussels are utterly pornographic.  Yep.

Tonight's faculty readers were wonder as per usual.  A man named Terrance Hayes did a set of poems that really sang to me.  His sensuous voice was easy on the ears and his handsome face and tall frame were very easy on the eyes.  I think I will be adding one of his poetry collections to my list of purchases.  I want to add one of Meg's as well.  The poetry is just so wonderful!  I'd forgotten how utterly gorgeous and precious this art form is to me.

Philosophy Class Nostalgia

Whilst perusing my external hard drive and looking for old papers from college, I stumbled across my lengthy and elaborate Philosophy Journal.  I recall the many, many times I would put these entries off til the last minute and find myself rushing to the library to compose a one to two page paper, scour the internet for ideas/sources/creative quote, then print that puppy out and sprint to class.  I was quite the procrastinator, but, if I do say so myself, I was a successful procrastinator.  Having to think in the spur of the moment worked for journal entries because I was a great deal more honest in my assessments.  Just for fun, I selected the last dated entry from the file and decided to share it here.  It is not a fabulous example of my writing (note the date: I was twenty-one and probably sauced up on Bloody Mary's at the time) and there are many ideas that I touched on that I should have expanded upon or ignored completely, but I'm not going to edit it beyond the omission of unnecessary commas.  I still find this overall assessment to be very relevant and I'm glad that I reminded myself of them after all this time.

Where there is a lack of higher thought and drive and creativity, we fall into baseness and become mindless proponents of the biological imperative as well as pleasure addicts.  However, sexuality and sex, when used intelligently in writing, music and movies, can add volumes to plot and character.  So, I suppose, were I to have written this entry nowadays, I would say that, yes, our society is in trouble, but as far as sex and creativity (specifically writing) goes: creativity can enhance the expression of sex, and sex can enhance overall creativity; but sex for sex's sake is a waste of the author's and reader's time.

Something else I want to point out is that I was fucking brilliant!  I was on the ball enough to directly link emotionless promiscuity to an Apollonian society when such an idea would almost always be linked to the Dionysian end of the spectrum!  Interestingly enough to note, in Apollonian ideals, sex is logistical and practical; it is exercise and stress relief.  In Dionysian ideals, sex is glorified because it feels good and is addictive.  In both extremes sex becomes nothing more than a means to an end and since neither extreme allows for a healthy and happy society, it can be assumed that an overall trend of emotionless sex is bad.  Kind of makes you think.  Maybe it's not good for the government (or other forms of propaganda) to actively seek to limit or promote sex.  Maybe it would be better for us as individuals to aspire to healthy (and even creative) sex practices that lead to strong bonds and lasting attachment.  I'm just saying.

I would also say that sexual energy, sexuality, and sex itself can be very important in the creative process.  There is nothing wrong with sexual pictures, sexual books, sex scenes, sexual music and freedom of sexual expression; the problem is when such things cease to be art and cease to be healthy.  The problem is when these things become a hollow obsession.  There is indeed a difference between art and erotica and while one may nurture more than the other, I don't know that a steady diet of either is all that beneficial to a persons full creative potential.  Use sex to improve your writing; don't rely on it as your only trick in the book.

Without further ado (and scatter-brained rambling), here is my old journal entry:

Journal 4/19/05

Apollonian Sex

Amanda LaFantasie © April 2005

            I have touched on the idea of our society moving toward Apollonian in other journal entries.  Now, I am more adamant than ever that we really are approaching an unhealthy peak.  My evidence for this is the intriguingly large margin for rebellion that we, as a society, have put together.  The main issue at hand is sex.  Sex, or sexual intercourse, or any sexual act or fetish, used to be a second thought, rather than a first.  Because the first thought was always the advancement of the proletariat or at least a better understanding of one's purpose within one's society or environment.  We no longer have to worry about what our place is, because laws and regulations and social security numbers preordain our societal calling.  When we lack creativity, we turn toward sexuality.  More and more, this idea of free love and promiscuous sex creeps into movies, music, and literature, and the overlying theme surrounding the sex is that it is no big deal. 

            A few books that illustrate free love and the idea that sex is great (especially if it doesn't result in offspring) are: A Brave New World by Aldous Huxley and The Wanting Seed by Anthony Burgess.  In Huxley's book, which shows division of labor among the classes, promotes the idea to its characters that "promiscuity is a citizen's duty," and that sex is a great outlet for such hardworking citizens.  But this society also provided very elitist methods of contraceptive control, and babies were the product of necessity to maintain balance, and were created in a controlled environment.  The Burgess book didn't go to such lengths as to control the actual production of children, but it did limit the number families could have, as well as monitor people and force abortion on excessive pregnancy.  Also, the book, in very much the same manner as Aldous's book, put out propaganda messages about sex, including a statement that homosexuality was the only way to be if one wanted society to prosper. 

            I think homosexuality is great, and people finding love with other people, is also great, but, at this point, it seems to be the only thing we have going for us in a creative venue.  We turn everything to sex, or at least we want to.  Stanley Kubrick's intent with Burgess's A Clockwork Orange, was to show how a society stops functioning when sex is the predominant force.  Everything in the movie (set wise) was covered in phallic and yonic symbols.  I used to think that this was an overstatement, but now I realize that what Tuff said in class was absolutely true: when we lack creativity we turn to sexuality. 

            The over abundance, and supposed acceptance, of such a sexual atmosphere in today's society is what proves that we truly have moved into an Apollonian age.