Goodbye Hugh and Erica

Things were weird in June. Some pretty big things happened, not happy things though. First off, Hannah had a horrible gallbladder attack. I've never seen her eyes roll back in her head like that before - it was actually pretty scary. So the family ushered her out the door and to the ER we went. This, in and of itself, was pretty upsetting for the Hannah, but shortly after that her grandfather, Hugh, went downhill. He passed on Monday June 25th. Her grandmother bought plane tickets for Hannah and I to come down for the funeral on that Friday. It all happened so fast! 

The funeral was kind of amazing, filled with 1930's charm and home-cooking. Everyone was beautifully polite and gentle and supportive. At the grave site Hannah felt her grandfather's presence. A bugler played taps. A very handsome and somber member of the US Military knelt before Hannah's grandmother and presented her with the flag as a sign of respect to the years grandpa had served. It was all so beautiful and perfect. And sad. Click here to see the obituary.

While we were still in Kansas, my best friend from college called me to let me know something awful. Something that is still hitting me in a hard, weird way. Friend Erica passed away. I graduated from Mesa State College with Erica. I helped her flunk statistics because I always managed to seduce her to come with me to Johnny Carino's for Happy Hour Bellinis instead of attending class. I was in a one-act play with her where we got into a crazy food fight and had ketchup in our ears for days after the show. We used to take naps together between studies and play rehearsals and she used my boobs as pillows.

I went to Germany twice with her. At Camp Lachenwald, her camp counselor name was Eeek. Three 'e's. My name was Quetzal. I remember one time she called me to her tent in the middle of the night for spider relocation (so many spiders!) and I was Quetzal the Hero. And there was another time when we were both so homesick we slept together on a cot at camp. A small cot. But we made it work and neither of us fell off. One of my favorite memories of Germany: the first night we arrived there I drank the hotel bar dry of Gin and then Erica and I skinny dipped in the Main river with a Marine named Wu. The next day he sang to us, "I wish they all could be Colorado girls."

She was a sweet, sassy, crazy woman who liked things like Modest Mouse, Dashboard Confessional, luscious lipsticks, and shoes. Never did I know anyone who had quite so many shoes. But the things I think about with Erica are the little conversations we had. We said 'I know friends drift and I don't want us to drift apart' and we swore up and down we wouldn't. But we did. We drifted for a while until my college bff said I should add Erica to my super secret Facebook that only has (right at this moment) 21 friends. So I sent the invite and Erica accepted immediately. That was on June 12th. Eighteen days later my friend calls to tell me she's gone.

Nothing I could write here will really do her justice. She was surprising and wonderful and I have so many amazing memories because of her. I found her obituary online. It's too simple in my opinion. Erica's obituary should be like a Music Video from the early 90's. Fashionable girl in amazing shoes follows David Bowie into a painting and proceeds to dance through a variety of artistic renaissances until she ends up drunk on Bellinis and napping on my boobs again. 

Writing and Me Part I: Bad Dreams, Bad Language, Bad Ass

A recent graduate of the Pine Manor College Solstice MFA program asked me to write a small article about what it's like being a writer and also about my experience being in an MFA program.  I'm not sure where to start exactly and I'm afraid it might exceed her 1-2 page limit, but I suppose, as my mentor has said, chronology is my friend, so I'll start at the beginning.

When I was a kid, I had difficultly sleeping.  Between a busy mind and recurring nightmares, nighttime was not my friend.  However, I did discover two pretty reliable cures for my restlessness: the first was lucid dreaming wherein I controlled every aspect of my dream down to the central players and the plot, the second was to write.  By the time I turned ten years old, my ability to dream lucidly was falling by the wayside, and so I wrote.  And wrote.  And wrote some more.  Pretty soon I'd written a novel.  

To borrow a metaphor from Harold Clurman, author of "On Directing," writing is like gardening and in order to get something good out of it, you have to lay down some shit.  There's a place for bad plays/writing and that is to provide fertilizer for the good stuff to come.  Well, that first 'novel' was pure fertilizer.  And that's exactly what it was supposed to be.  When I was younger I always had a book to read and a book to write in.  My diary did not chronicle my daily affairs, I filled it, instead, with the adventures of Jeremy Arbuct and his extra-terrestrially raised paramour from the past.  That was also shit, awesome shit, but shit nonetheless.  Luckily for me there were a few undigested seeds in the shit pile and they started to grow.  Over the years I gave my garden a constant supply of manure while watering and weeding and tending the small, determined sprouts.  This was my happy place.  One of them, anyway.  The only thing I loved as much as writing and reading, was acting and singing.

I majored in Music Theatre at Mesa State College (presently known as Colorado Mesa University) and took writing classes for electives.  I studied screen play writing, stage play writing, poetry and short fiction.  But there was one class that changed everything for me.  And not in a good way.  I took a fiction class from a professor who looked and spoke like Jimmy Stewart.  He was a nice enough man, but his ideas on writing and literature were dated and, I've come to realize, incredibly destructive.  He wrote his own manual for the class - a sort of 100 page manifesto of what he deemed to be decent literature - and then expected us to practice what he preached.  If you were a female, you could not write from the POV of a male character and vice-versa (which was incredibly limiting and sexist to boot).  Your protagonist cannot swear (which was a real fucking downer) and he or she must be an upstanding moral citizen (another downer because sex, drugs, and rock and roll, man!).  And the piece that I turned in for class was a dry, horrid, literary nightmare.  

I reread it years later and recognized that the story had a decent plot and interesting characters, but it was completely and utterly devoid of voice.  The class not only killed the 'me' in my writing; it killed my desire to write prose at all.  I switched to screen play as my primary writing for a while and eventually that fizzled, too.  But even with my desire gone, I couldn't stay away forever.  I dabbled in science fiction and angel mythology and then I learned about role-play.  For a while my writing hinged on the instant gratification that came from the give and take of partnered writing.  I became a little dependent on it, but, in the end, it was what pulled me out of the shell I had created around myself ever since the Jimmy Stewart look-a-like silenced my voice.  I could write from the viewpoint of a man if I wanted.  Hell, I could write from the viewpoint of an alien, an android, a cat, a sentient and sassy toaster!  And my protagonists could be bad boys with drug habits and foul mouths, or sweet young hookers with hearts of gold, or even tortured souls with violently repressed desires.  I even tried a little fan fiction and that is a strange and delightful creature unto its own.  But the point is, I wrote.  And wrote.  And wrote some more.  I added a fresh layer of  manure of cliches and passive voice to the garden, watered my dried up stems with metaphor and simile, and invited the sun to warm my dialogue once again.  

In November of 2010, I finally officially participated in National Novel Writer's Month (NaNoWriMo), and won.  I wrote a vampire story with a little guy-on-guy action (pretty much two of my favorite things).  With 50,000 words behind me on a single project, I started to feel like myself again.  So I signed up for Script Frenzy, too!  For Script Frenzy, I had to write a 100 page screenplay.  This time around I wrote about dragons and reached my hundred pages easily.  So now I had two projects with some weight to them.  Suddenly the idea of writing things, of being a writer, didn't seem that far-fetched.  I wanted to grow, I needed to grow, and the next logical step was a Masters of Fine Arts.  Seven years after graduating from Mesa State, I applied to two MFA programs, both on the eastern coast.  Only one accepted me.  At the time I took it to mean I was only good enough for one - but I don't think of it that way now.  Somehow I was meant to be part of the Solstice MFA Program at Pine Manor College and that next January began a new and bad ass chapter of my writing life.

Pumpkin Frustration and Irk

I tried to make a no bake pumpkin pie dessert tonight and shouldn't have since I didn't have all the ingredients to start off with.  The end result is a very thick, very rich, slop of pumpkin pie dessert that may or may not be riddled with salmonella.  I didn't have condensed milk and so I made an acceptable substitute for it, which is essentially egg and brown sugar.  Well... it's a no bake recipe so... egg is a great choice.  Really.  I cooked the condensed milk substitute mixture in the microwave for a while to hopefully make the eggs safe for consumption but who knows.  This was definitely not one of my finer moments in cooking.  Moving right along.

Something happened not too long ago that really irked me.  I like to think that I could have a good relationship with my Mesa State professors should I choose to invoke it.  When I got ready to go back to school to pursue my MFA I sent out a 'please, oh, please, love me enough to write me a letter of recommendation' to two of my previous professors: Dr. Haas (literature), and R. Cowden (theatre).  The former replied to me and had me send in some of my old papers and asked for my CV and proceeded to write me a letter that helped me get accepted into the Pine Manor Creative Writing MFA program.  The latter... never replied, not even to say, 'gee, I just don't have that much time right now.'  This is okay, really, because I know he's busy and I respect that.  It was sad but I got over it.  Anyway, the most contact (directly) that I've had with this professor since I graduated has been the acceptance of my request for FaceBook friendship.  Until the other day.

I've put up hundreds, even thousands, of silly and serious FaceBook posts.  I don't care that people respond or don't respond.  This is just a fun outlet that is semi rewarding.  Well, I play DragonVille.  I enjoy it.  And whenever I play, I send out requests for gold and food, etc.  It sends out a blanket request to all my friends on FaceBook.  This is annoying and I know that people who don't play games HATE these kinds of things but really... what is the big deal?  Just block the game!  Or ignore the request.  It's not that hard.  But I digress.  Recently a friend from college posted a comment on my wall, politely asking if there was any way he could stop getting DragonVille requests.  I told him that he could block the game and that I have blocked many games myself.  This was all wonderful and civil.  And in an unprecedented show of attention, R. Cowden 'liked' his post.  His post on my wall; not my reply, nothing of mine.  This wouldn't bother me except that this is the one and only thing on my time line that he's ever 'liked' or made any notice of in all my time on FaceBook.  He 'likes' a status where someone is complaining about my behavior.  Nice.  Glad he pays attention.

General Updates and New Blog

EDIT: The other blog is now null and void.  My only blog that I update regularly is this one.

It's been a little while since I last updated here.  Things have been busy with work and busy with getting my act together for school.  I have a great many things I need to read, lots of pre-arrival paperwork to do, and I still have to finalize everything to do with my financial aide.  I am nervous, nervous, nervous to say the least.  As far as other updates go, you can find tidbits of my life via my journal blog entitled 'Skoora's Box' (a name that may eventually change) via igotcherback, a social networking site that a friend of mine launched.  The posts are called Office Christmas Party and The Yoda is Sick.  Please check them out if you have nothing better to do or are training to be a professional grade stalker and need to know every detail of my day to day life.

I'm sure I will have a plethora of things to report concerning my MFA strides as this month progresses.  In the mean time I hope that everyone is safe, warm, and filled with some of the general good feelings that this time of year tends to bring about.

Christmas Blues

The Annual Family Christmas Party is always hard for me.  It's hard for anyone who was a 'somebody' as a youth and becomes a 'nobody' as an adult.  I hear the same things every year: "You gonna sing for us?" "Why don't you sing anymore?" "Where are you working?" "You ever gonna do anything with that degree of yours?"  You get the idea.  Basically when I was younger I was a bold, song bird who excelled at the performing arts.  I would delight the family with songs, with stories, with manic shenanigans, and there was always an air of expectation, always the belief that I would do something with my talents.  And I did.  In college.  But that's as far as it went.  I suppose the development of vocal nodes during my second year at Mesa State coupled with my complete and utter lack of self-confidence didn't help.  But I digress.

Each and every year it's the same.  They ask me if I'm still doing my 'music' and still 'singing' because they enjoyed me so much when I was younger and I'm flattered, yes, but the fact of the matter is I'm very shy.  I sang at an Aunt's wedding once and I had to drink five shots of tequila before I could muster the courage to utter the first note.  When getting ready for karaoke I require whiskey sours.  It is rare that I am ever in a mood to entertain when it is entertainment that's expected of me.  And that's where alcohol comes in.

Tonight was the Annual Family Christmas Party and it began with me in the bathroom sobbing my eyes out because, yet again, I was reminded of how much of a disappointment I am to a family who wanted to see my name in lights.  This time however it came in the form of criticism of my BA degree and blatant distaste for the MFA I am currently working toward.  An older cousin pretty much reminded me that the arts are a useless pursuit and then he went on to laugh at me when I tried, poorly, to explain that I hadn't gone into music theatre thinking I would come out of it making money.  No, art (performing or otherwise) is not a lucrative career choice, but I never wanted it for my career choice, per se.  I'm just... too shy.  And because my defense mechanism is to be loud and outrageous and the center of attention, no one fucking believes me.  Some of my friends know, and Hannah knows, but to the rest of the world I am anything but shy.  

Singing is an organic thing for me.  I prefer bouts of song while I drive along the highway or while I'm cleaning the bedroom, but not under a stage light and certainly not before an audience.  I've been there, done that!  And even though I loved it, craved it, lived for it... the stress was enough to affect me physically.  Tonight I cried and then I drank.  It was pathetic.  My cousin - not the one who made me cry - noticed my plight and fixed me up with a hot buttered rum.  Things started to get better and then I found my nice little niche of teenage and twenty-something cousins and we talked about everything from Host Clubs to the Walking Dead.  It was pleasant for a time and then came the talent show.

I had originally planned to sign up and wow them all with my 'long lost singing talent' but I couldn't do it.  I just couldn't do it.  So, since I hadn't prepared anything I looked over the impromptu cards and thought 'well maybe I'll try something out of here' but all the prompts would require more alcohol than what I'd had to drink and so, for the first time in my life, I opted out of a talent competition.  It was such a relief to just step back and watch.  Strangely though I had this feeling of fading.  So many other talented people in the family, so many guitars, so many voices.  My own voice was/is no longer necessary.  I felt like the old clock maker retiring to make way for the young whippersnappers charging into the twenty-first century with digital time keeping.  I felt obsolete.  Sure, sure, lots of my aunts and cousins looked to me with a frown saying: "I thought you were going to sign up, thought you were going to sing?"  But I just sort of shrugged that away.  It makes me sad, in a way, to step back and seeing the disappointed faces of those who still think of me as 'the one who might make it someday' makes me almost wish I'd never stepped forward.   

The remainder of my time at the party consisted of a red solo cup filled with Chardonnay, lots of raffle ticket winnings, and a few good laughs with a few good cousins.  Happily and weirdly, I left the party feeling much better and lighter than when I had arrived.  

Application Checklists

Application Form PDF

In order to be considered for admission to the MFA program in creative writing, an applicant must meet the following criteria:

1. Hold a bachelor's degree from an accredited college or university or have equivalent experience practicing creative writing as that experience is reflected in the quality of the prospective student's application portfolio.
2. Submit a completed graduate application form
3. Submit official transcripts from the college or university from which their highest degree was awarded. If the candidate does not hold a bachelor's degree, a high school transcript must be submitted. Transcripts must be received in a sealed envelope. They may be sent separately, or along with the other application materials.
4. Submit one copy of a portfolio of creative writing in each genre for which you are applying, consisting of approximately 25 pages of fiction, creative nonfiction, or writing for stage and screen, or 10 pages of poetry.
5. Submit one copy of a one-page, typed, single-spaced essay on the prospective student's reasons for applying to the MFA program and expectations for the program.
6. Provide one letter of academic or professional reference that speaks to the applicant's ability as a writer or potential as student. Letters of recommendation may either be sent separately or along with the other application materials.
7. Submit a $45 application fee for each genre in which you are applying.

Application deadlines: Applications must be postmarked by March 15 for the Summer/Fall term which begins in May, or by October 15 for the Spring term, which begins in January.

Application Form PDF

In order for your application to be considered:

• The manuscript, essay, and application form must be submitted in triplicate.
• Your manuscript must represent work in the genre in which you plan to concentrate: 25 typed pages of fiction.
• Pages must be numbered, and your name should appear on each poem, story, or chapter.
• Your manuscript must be typewritten, in a 12-point font. Fiction and creative nonfiction must be double-spaced. 
• The personal essay should state: highlights of what you’ve been reading during the last two years, and what you have learned from any literary influences (new or old) and how you have applied what you’ve learned to your own work; what you consider to be the strengths and weaknesses of your own work; experience with critical evaluation of your work; what you hope to gain from an MFA program; and possible obstacles to carrying a 25-hour-a-week workload. The essay must not run over the limit of five typed, double-spaced pages.

You must arrange for the MFA Office to receive:

• *Three letters of recommendation sent directly (not enclosed with your application) to our offices: Meg Kearney, Solstice MFA Director, Pine Manor College, 400 Heath Street, Chestnut Hill, MA 02467.
• Official college transcript(s) from any school(s) where you received a degree or transfer credits.

Please ensure that ALL materials are clearly labeled Solstice MFA Office to ensure proper on-campus delivery.   Deadline is October 15.

Queens and Pines it is!

Further consideration has been paid to my top two (which is actually three).  Pine Manor College will be about $13,000 per year with all fees and what not added in.  They allow for cross-genre study but they do not offer screenplay and stage play writing as a genre.  This year, Poets & Writers rated this college  15th out of fifty (only 30 were ranked - the rest were given honorable mentions).  I have already written a very rough draft of the essay (about five pages worth) required to apply and I have three people who have agreed to write me letters of recommendation.  I am going to contact them and see about a fee waiver, but I am definitely applying for this institution.  It does require a culminating critical essay but I don't necessarily mind that.

As for Queens, the process to apply is much simpler - I only need one letter of recommendation and a one page essay.  I am going to ask for a waiver for the application fee for this institution as well.  Hopefully one, if not both will grant me a waiver and that will help tremendously as I push forward in pursuit of the ever illusive MFA.  Also this college is ranked ranked 7th out of the fifty top low residency schools.  This is fairly attractive to me and it was only after my narrowing down that I even investigated rank.  I don't need prestige, but it's nice to know that one of my top picks was also in the top ten.  Also it does not require a culminating critical essay.  And on their website they have a great response to the 'do you require GRE for entrance?': We do not require GRE scores.  Standardized tests have nothing to do with creative writing. Damn right!

The other college that I had looked at - and still really like - is Naropa, ranked 18th, and it has a beautiful and orderly yet rather involved application process.  They require not one, but two multi-page essays in addition to everything else needed to apply.  They also have the highest application fee.  I have decided not to apply at this time.  I am going to apply to Queens and PMC and after two weeks have passed, if I am rejected by both, I will finish up the essays needed to get on board for Naropa as I will still have time to do so.  This means however that I definitely need to get my ass in gear.  Hopefully one will accept me, maybe even both, but then I'll be faced with the decision of choosing yet again!  Oh well, if I'm accepted then maybe I can see what sort of financial aide I would be receiving on top of my admission and that might help seal the deal.  

The thing I have to take into account now is the cost of travel and the mode of travel.  Just in general, I think bus fare is the cheapest but the prospect of going across America from the tip-top of Idaho all to the way to Massachusetts or North Carolina via bus is not a pleasant one.  I would prefer to fly, and therefore, time is of the essence because if I'm going to try and fly I need to get tickets ASAP.  Still, it's actually really exciting to even think about things like travel.  It means it's really happening.

Top Two and Getting Down to Business

Converse College offers no real financial aide to grad students in the MFA program.  They have the cheapest tuition hands down and they do lend financial aide to students going to large conferences in order to meet authors and agents, etc.  They require only two letters of recommendation and they ask for a personal statement of up to two pages and have a specific prompt for this statement.  I did speak to a woman at the college today.  Things I like about this college are that they are inexpensive.  On the whole I believe that this one is definitely off the list.

Queens University does not seem (as per what I can find on the website) to offer any financial assistance beyond the FAFSA.  I still need to talk to the college because they apparently offer fellowships.  They have inexpensive tuition.  They require a one page personal statement essay and they only require one letter of recommendation.  I was unable to get in touch with the appropriate parties today.  I know that this is a two year program but I do not know the credit total for the degree.  Things I like about this program are the 'one book/one editor/one semester' deal, and the Paradoxical Truth About Writing.

Naropa does offer scholarships.  They require two letters of recommendation and a three to five page personal essay and a two to four page creative writing essay.  Both of these essays have prompts.  This college is located in Boulder, Colorado which I am rather familiar with.  The college itself is geared toward artistic and activist type personalities.  This program spans three years with residencies lasting a month each summer and the total of credits is 49.  I have requested supplemental information from Naropa as of today.  Things I like about this programs are the fact that it's in Colorado, the name of the Summer Writer's Program (Jack Kerouac School for Disembodied Poets), and the fact that they have so many scholarships for the SWP.

Pine Manor College does offer scholarships and fellowships.  The personal essay (based on a specific prompt) can be up to, but should not exceed, five pages.  They also require three letters of recommendation.  This program spans two years and 60 credits.  Things I like about this college are: they are five miles from downtown Boston, they allow for cross-genre study in the second year, and they have alumni assistanceships to get experience in teaching at the seminars and workshops.  I have sent a request for more information as of today.

I need to speak directly with all reps from all of these colleges but since I am leaning toward Naropa and PMC, my goals for Friday are to have written all three required essays (two for Naropa and one for PMC) and get the necessary information to three people for the letters of recommendation (three at the least).  For this week I may count the essays as part of my word count goal.  I am going to try and get out five thousand words every week while concentrating on my novel/s, however I am probably going to work primarily on grad school papers and polishing writing samples.  For both colleges the sample can be up to 25 double spaced pages.  For Naropa the sample can be cross-genre but for PMC it must be fiction.

The Top Four

After deliberation I have narrowed down my potential colleges to four - one or two of which I will be applying for in the next week or so.  The bottom four colleges are ones that I like but the date for spring application has passed and so if it comes to it, I would have to start them in summer/fall.  I'm putting them on the back burner for now as I do have some pretty high hopes for the four that I've selected for further study.  PMC is about $6,000 per semester ($12K per year); CC is about $5,650 per semester ($11,300 per year); QU is about $6,300 per semester ($12,600 per year); and Naropa is about $12K per year.  All of them (unless I'm wrong) offer some sort of scholarships/fellowships/grad grants or some kind of financial assistance.  I get a really good feeling from all of them, hence my indecision.


PINE MANOR COLLEGE: (Oct 15)

• FAQ Overview
• Tuition and Fees
• Application Deadlines
• Apply

CONVERSE COLLEGE in SPARTANBURG (Oct 1)

• FAQ Overview
• Tuition and Fees
• Residency Overview
• Application Deadline and Procedures

QUEENS UNIVERSITY of CHARLOTTE (Oct 15)

• FAQ Overview
• Admission and Tuition
• Apply

NAROPA UNIVERSITY (Oct 1)

• Program Overview
• Costs of Programs
• Apply
• Deadlines

*Honorable Mentions*

VERMONT COLLEGE of FINE ARTS (Aug 15; Feb 15)

• FAQ Overview
• Tuition and Fees

UNIVERSITY of CALIFORNIA RIVERSIDE (Aug 1; Feb 1)

• Applying
• Program Overview

LESLEY UNIVERSITY (Sept 1; March 1)

• FAQ Overview

WARREN WILSON COLLEGE: (Sept 1; March 1)

• Program Overview
• Tuition
• Financial Aide

I am going to call the top four universities/colleges tomorrow and ask about financial assistance, cross genre studies, letters of recommendation, letters of intent, total cost (any extra fees for residencies), and what sorts of things will help my chances of being accepted.  According this month's issue of Poets & Writers: PMC does not rank in selectivity and it ranks about 13th in fellowship placement.  Converse does not rank in selectivity either but does not rank at all in fellowship placement.  Queens is a bit better in ranking for fellowships (9th) but it is also on the upper end of selectivity (7th) which is not necessarily a bad thing, but doesn't make my job any easier either.  Naropa does not rank in fellowships but it does rank in selectivity, toward the lower end (18th), however, so it is not quite as intimidating. As for application fees: PMC - $50; CC - $40; QU - $45; and Naropa - $60.  It is feasible to apply for two, but a good deal of my selection will depend on the phone calls.  I need some assurance that I have a chance at more financial help than just what FAFSA based loans promise me.

On another note, I just learned something kind of interesting.  The first two college picks on my list (PMC and CC) are women's colleges.  The MFA programs, however, are co-ed, but the fundamental institution is for women only. I hadn't really ever thought of applying to a women's  institution but it is beginning to appeal to me.  I know that there will be males in the MFA workshops, etc, but it's kind of a charming notion to go to a women's college.  The other two colleges are co-ed but have an overwhelmingly large female student body.  It seems that no matter which one I pick, I will most likely be surrounded by a majority of like minded women during the residencies.

I've also decided to check out University of Alaska at Anchorage because I keep seeing it popping up as a great program and all but the website is kaput.  I figure it couldn't hurt to give them a call and just see if they still even have an MFA program and what sort of perimeters it has.

What I did and did not do...

I accomplished something today!  I didn't get the MFA issue of 'Poets and Writers' as the only one that Hastings has did not have what I needed in it (the low-res comparisons) but I did manage to get ten post cards made and addressed.  I also wrote to each of the addressees.  The manual writing is one of my many writing goals.  It's important to keep in touch with people in a tangible way, more so than via texts and emails and Facebook tags and messages.  Those are all important and I enjoy them but it's also very important to me that people know they are worth my time and worth my creative efforts.  The post cards aren't the most amazing things in the world but I am proud of them and also, the fact that I set out to make a certain amount and get them ready to send the off and then accomplished that all in one afternoon of cutting, gluing, labeling and writing, satisfies another one of my goals: to finish things.  I often start tasks with good intentions and then they get put off or other things get in the way or I just peter off emotionally.  But today I set out to accomplish something and I did.  It was a successful writing day.  However in finishing one goal (or two rather)  I did put off the overall grad school goal.  I have managed to limit the list down some but I would like the P&W magazine to help me in my further trimmings.  Right now the list looks like a train wreck and that's about how I feel about the entire process.

MFA Low-Res Options

I hate the idea of online schooling, absolutely despise it.  But it seems like such a necessity in this day and age (for me and for my SO) because I honestly don't know where I'm going to be in a year or two years.  So much is up in the air and it feels like the world just keep spinning around and around and sometimes I'm utterly lost.  I make tiny breakthroughs such as the decision to go back to school.  This feels right and necessary.  But I want 'in class' and 'in your face' experience and since the closest college that offers an MFA is in Moscow, I would have to move to get that.  At least I would for a full residency.  But low residency options are also out there.  In online schooling, you can do everything from home but there are no assistanceships,  fellowships, or scholarships to help you; in residency schooling you have to live on or near campus and attend regular classes but there are a great deal of financial aid options.  In low residency there is both.  I can go to the school (and the school often provides the residency under a blanket fee) for about 10 days once or twice a year depending on the program and meet all those associated with the program as well as receive the intensive 'in your face' atmosphere that I crave.  The rest of the semester is spent at home (wherever home may be) working online.  Also, low residence programs often offer fellowships, scholarships, assistanceships and more.  I think low-res is the best of both worlds in my situation and I have a great deal many phone calls to make tomorrow in trimming down my choices.  For online there were only three choices: SNHU, UTEP, and U of D.  Of those, I felt that UTEP was the best option.  If I do decide on online in the end, it will be UTEP that I cast my lots with.  For residency I was interested in WSU (Wichita) and U of I (Idaho).  Both require a move and one would be hard to accomplish (financially and emotionally speaking).  If I were a single person with no cats, this would be a somewhat easier task because I could decide on pretty much any school, any where and just go.  But I'm almost thirty and I like having an SO and I like having my kitties and I don't feel I should have to be separated from or lose that entirely just to continue my education.  So, here follows a long list of low-res programs that I am going to trim down to three between today and tomorrow and, by the end of the week, hopefully, I will be nice and applied.

• Western Connecticut State University 
• Pine Manor College
• EKU Bluegrass Writer's Studio  
• Leslie University
• Seton Hill University
• Goddard College
• Warren Wilson College
• Cedar Crest College
• Chatham University
• Naropa University
• University of New Orleans
• Sierra Nevada College
• Spaulding University
• Bard College
• Queens University of Charlotte
• Arcadia University
• Bennington University
• Carlow University
• Seattle Pacific University

Some of these are total pipe dreams and simply won't work such as the Bard College which requires eight weeks of residency each summer.  I would love this, but SO and kitties would not.  Others are much more feasible because their residencies are close enough that I could drive rather than have to purchase air fare.  Others have their residencies in other countries and this is extremely appealing to me.  There are a few on the list that are rather selective and others that are as close to an open door policy as one can be in a graduate program.  The main factors in my consideration include: length and frequency of residencies, financial assistance from the university/college, length and flexibility of grad program, application fees, application requirements, and selectivity in grad student acceptance.

Philosophy Class Nostalgia

Whilst perusing my external hard drive and looking for old papers from college, I stumbled across my lengthy and elaborate Philosophy Journal.  I recall the many, many times I would put these entries off til the last minute and find myself rushing to the library to compose a one to two page paper, scour the internet for ideas/sources/creative quote, then print that puppy out and sprint to class.  I was quite the procrastinator, but, if I do say so myself, I was a successful procrastinator.  Having to think in the spur of the moment worked for journal entries because I was a great deal more honest in my assessments.  Just for fun, I selected the last dated entry from the file and decided to share it here.  It is not a fabulous example of my writing (note the date: I was twenty-one and probably sauced up on Bloody Mary's at the time) and there are many ideas that I touched on that I should have expanded upon or ignored completely, but I'm not going to edit it beyond the omission of unnecessary commas.  I still find this overall assessment to be very relevant and I'm glad that I reminded myself of them after all this time.

Where there is a lack of higher thought and drive and creativity, we fall into baseness and become mindless proponents of the biological imperative as well as pleasure addicts.  However, sexuality and sex, when used intelligently in writing, music and movies, can add volumes to plot and character.  So, I suppose, were I to have written this entry nowadays, I would say that, yes, our society is in trouble, but as far as sex and creativity (specifically writing) goes: creativity can enhance the expression of sex, and sex can enhance overall creativity; but sex for sex's sake is a waste of the author's and reader's time.

Something else I want to point out is that I was fucking brilliant!  I was on the ball enough to directly link emotionless promiscuity to an Apollonian society when such an idea would almost always be linked to the Dionysian end of the spectrum!  Interestingly enough to note, in Apollonian ideals, sex is logistical and practical; it is exercise and stress relief.  In Dionysian ideals, sex is glorified because it feels good and is addictive.  In both extremes sex becomes nothing more than a means to an end and since neither extreme allows for a healthy and happy society, it can be assumed that an overall trend of emotionless sex is bad.  Kind of makes you think.  Maybe it's not good for the government (or other forms of propaganda) to actively seek to limit or promote sex.  Maybe it would be better for us as individuals to aspire to healthy (and even creative) sex practices that lead to strong bonds and lasting attachment.  I'm just saying.

I would also say that sexual energy, sexuality, and sex itself can be very important in the creative process.  There is nothing wrong with sexual pictures, sexual books, sex scenes, sexual music and freedom of sexual expression; the problem is when such things cease to be art and cease to be healthy.  The problem is when these things become a hollow obsession.  There is indeed a difference between art and erotica and while one may nurture more than the other, I don't know that a steady diet of either is all that beneficial to a persons full creative potential.  Use sex to improve your writing; don't rely on it as your only trick in the book.

Without further ado (and scatter-brained rambling), here is my old journal entry:

Journal 4/19/05

Apollonian Sex

Amanda LaFantasie © April 2005

            I have touched on the idea of our society moving toward Apollonian in other journal entries.  Now, I am more adamant than ever that we really are approaching an unhealthy peak.  My evidence for this is the intriguingly large margin for rebellion that we, as a society, have put together.  The main issue at hand is sex.  Sex, or sexual intercourse, or any sexual act or fetish, used to be a second thought, rather than a first.  Because the first thought was always the advancement of the proletariat or at least a better understanding of one's purpose within one's society or environment.  We no longer have to worry about what our place is, because laws and regulations and social security numbers preordain our societal calling.  When we lack creativity, we turn toward sexuality.  More and more, this idea of free love and promiscuous sex creeps into movies, music, and literature, and the overlying theme surrounding the sex is that it is no big deal. 

            A few books that illustrate free love and the idea that sex is great (especially if it doesn't result in offspring) are: A Brave New World by Aldous Huxley and The Wanting Seed by Anthony Burgess.  In Huxley's book, which shows division of labor among the classes, promotes the idea to its characters that "promiscuity is a citizen's duty," and that sex is a great outlet for such hardworking citizens.  But this society also provided very elitist methods of contraceptive control, and babies were the product of necessity to maintain balance, and were created in a controlled environment.  The Burgess book didn't go to such lengths as to control the actual production of children, but it did limit the number families could have, as well as monitor people and force abortion on excessive pregnancy.  Also, the book, in very much the same manner as Aldous's book, put out propaganda messages about sex, including a statement that homosexuality was the only way to be if one wanted society to prosper. 

            I think homosexuality is great, and people finding love with other people, is also great, but, at this point, it seems to be the only thing we have going for us in a creative venue.  We turn everything to sex, or at least we want to.  Stanley Kubrick's intent with Burgess's A Clockwork Orange, was to show how a society stops functioning when sex is the predominant force.  Everything in the movie (set wise) was covered in phallic and yonic symbols.  I used to think that this was an overstatement, but now I realize that what Tuff said in class was absolutely true: when we lack creativity we turn to sexuality. 

            The over abundance, and supposed acceptance, of such a sexual atmosphere in today's society is what proves that we truly have moved into an Apollonian age.