Sir Simon, Who Knew?

Knight of Swords

Lift me up, spirits of sky.

Grant me keen sight of Hawk,

swiftness of Sparrow.

Grant me insight of Raven,

brave heartbeat of Hummingbird.

Bear me up with grace on wings of Swan,

guide me with visions of wisdom from Owl.

I had a couple of questions about my character Simon tonight.  I decided to ask my Tarot.  The Shadowscapes Tarot by Pui-Mun Law and Barbara Moore has been a wonderful deck to inspire me for Death Man.  The Two of Swords is Matthias all the way: the stale-mate crossroads, crossed swords, indecision and dread at the outcome of finally making a decision - all of that fits Matthias thematically but also physically.  Matthias is a tall, brooding figure, cloaked as per his profession.  He is mostly cast in mystery and all of that, to me, is perfect for him.  I've always felt this card was Matthias.  Now as for Simon - I've seen him more as the Seven or Nine of Swords.  Both these cards picture younger, lithe male forms riddled with guilt, regret, fear, and even (as in the case of the Seven) willful deception, shirking of responsibility, and a grave mistrust in others.  Yeah, Simon's not a real confident fellow.  

But tonight when I drew for him asking 'why does he want to upset the establishment, what makes him take the step that puts him in the middle of things?' I drew the Knight of Swords.  The Knight is confident and self assured and sharp of wit and weapon.  When I look at this card and think of Simon I see a young man who is smart and who has suffered for that intelligence and who is through with suffering.  He is on his way to create change, who can no longer hide behind assumed ignorance.  I see someone who loves fiercely, who turns sadness into action.  I see Simon.

Jobs and How I'll Never Get Another One

When I was in fifth grade I got a 'B' on an assignment.  The assignment was to draw and color a map. We were supposed to color the water blue and the land mass brown. Or green. I can't really remember.  Because instead of coloring it blue or green I colored each little section of the land masses using purples, pinks, greens, yellows, and whatever other colors I could come up with to make it pretty and vibrant. Despite the colorful appeal of my map, I hadn't followed directions, ergo I received a 'B.' I still have trouble restraining myself from going a bit overboard on certain things and I like to change things around at work and put certain colors together and rearrange to make things 'prettier.'  I don't know if it's the Virgo in me or what but I'm constantly looking for things to organize.  

Today I turned in an application for receptionist at Buck Knives in Post Falls.  I got dressed up - even did my makeup - and turned it in in person. The job posting asked for 'application' and an attached 'resume.' That was all they wanted. But I gave them a cover letter, resume, and reference page, in addition to the application and normally I would think that an employer would see that as going above and beyond and look kindly upon this. But thinking back to fifth grade I feel like I'm screwed.  I'm fat.  I have a fucked up last name that I adore but 99% of the world thinks is fake. My work experience can be summed up as data entry, phones, retail, tutoring, and home health care.  Not management. Not library, not administrative, and not receptionist. And yet again I didn't 'follow directions.'

I'm getting a little discouraged. I turned in about ten applications this past week and I know that it takes time and I know that I just have to 'keep trying,' but sometimes all I can do is whine. I like my job. I might even go so far as to say I love my job.  But I can't live on 15-22 hours a week at less than nine dollars an hour. That is literally just enough to keep Hannah and I going in a rent free situation.  If we had to pay rent... we'd be homeless. And that fact keeps us humble but also makes us desperate and scared. We want (we need) a place of our own but job stuff has just got me so down. I've had so many close calls - the interview with TSA, the interview with the Library, and even fucking Barnes and Nobles. And nothing.  I don't want another interview.  I just want someone to say 'Oh!  You're the candidate we've been looking for. Welcome aboard and please enjoy your full time benefits including discounts on shit you need!' Yeah.  That would be like winning the lottery. Which means it isn't going to happen.  

Something Kind of Amazing Happened

Narcisa napping.

I went to change the water in the cat's water dish.  It's a pretty cool water dish - it has a filter that catches degree and also softens the water for the little beasts.  Also they love it because the middle of the dish bubbles up in a gentle fountain that they enjoy playing in.  And when I say 'they' I mean Narcisa, of course. 

You can get one of these bad boys on Amazon.

Periodically the dish has to be cleaned and the filter changed.  Well, I am ashamed to admit that I let it go a little long between cleanings this time - probably two or three weeks.  I usually clean it once a week if I'm on top of things.  This last month was a total bust and this month hasn't been too much better.  So, suffice it to say, the cat dish was neglected.  We kept it full of water of course, but it needed some love.

Here's the filter.  See the frilly bits around the edges...

Tonight I picked it up and went to the sink to do just that.  When I opened it up and looked at the large filter and saw a few smudges of food particles (pretty typical) and then something that looked like a long blade of grass.  I rinsed the filter and then shook it trying to dislodge the grass.  But it was stuck.  So I tugged it a little.  That's when I saw that it wasn't a blade of grass (and how the hell would a blade of grass ended up in their water dish anyway?) it was a small plant.  It was the very first shoot of a baby plant!  Somehow a seed had gotten into their water dish and become stuck in the fuzz of the filter.  And then it sprouted.  I saw little roots twisted into the edge of the filter and a small blackish seed/bean from where the roots and sprout all came from.  

I will get a real picture later - this gives you an idea of what it looks like.

I couldn't believe it.  I gently removed it from the filter, pulling some of the filter away instead of harming the cute little plant.  It grew in the cat's water dish!  Of all places.  How the hell did this happen?  Well, let me take you back to a year ago when Hannah and I went to our first event with the Inland Empire Pagan Guild. We went to Ostara (Easter). We met lots of people and got to participate in a Heathen themed ritual. It was nerve wracking because we didn't really know anyone, but at the same time it was a great deal of fun.  Enough fun that we kept coming back. During that first event, however, we joined the younger crowd and decorated egg cut outs with seeds. We glued millet, lentils, small red beans, and a variety of other beans onto the little papers.  We made three of them in total.

This is NOT what we made at Ostara.  We did something similar, but in an
 egg shape and far less detailed. Again, this is just to give you an idea.

When we got home, Hannah and I pinned them to the wall in the living room where they have stayed through all the changing holidays and seasons (they'll be back in season in a month, mind you!). Somehow one of the seeds must have fallen into the water dish which is located below it in the living room.  Either it fell or Narcisa jumped and batted at the eggs until she knocked something loose. The latter is probably what happened.  I think it was one of the red beans that fell but I can't be sure.  All that is left of the water soak and germinating seed/bean is a fuzzy black spot.

The middle one!  That's what I think fell into the dish.
I will investigate further when I transplant the little baby.

I still can't believe this little seed grew in this environment. It had no light and was completely submerged in water and yet it grew. That seed/bean was glued to a piece of paper for almost a year and yet... it grew. I talked to it and called it 'little baby' as I rushed around the kitchen and dining room trying to figure out how to save it!  In the end I borrowed some soil from our Christmas Cactus and put the seed and the soil into a small jam jar (something I'd been holding onto since Christmas).  I saturated the soil - I'm not exactly afraid of drowning it since that's all it's known it's whole life thus far! - and now I have it placed safely on the altar in the bedroom.  If it keeps growing (as I dearly hope it will) I'm going to get some fresh soil from the store and transplant it.  I'm not sure how long bean plants live.  I figure they wither after a season, but for while this plant is alive, I'm determined to keep it healthy and happy.   

To quote Jurassic Park: "Life finds a way."

Two Kinds of Homework, or Books and Svadhishthana

For my MFA homework: I'm writing out the origins of my fucked up little city as well as finally giving myself permission to attack this novel as a YA vehicle. My mentor, while always being positive and encouraging, always takes time to give me excellent reading suggestions so that we are both on the same foot as far as concepts and things to try. A few books she suggested that I really enjoyed are St. Lucy's Home for Girls Raised by Wolves by Karen Russell, Disgrace by J.M. Coetzee, The House on Mango Street by Sandra Cisneros, and Structuring Your Novel by Robert C. Meredith.  Earlier today I updated by accumulative bibliography (I use Easy Bib online and I love it! So simple!) and added all of my entries together. I have reached the desired goal of 80 entries including, research articles, novels, books of poetry, graphic novels, selected chapters for critical study and lecture classes. 

Everything I read now is icing on the cake and, as per my mentors suggestions once again, I'm excited get to work reading Writing Great Books for Young Adults by Regina Brooks, The Modern Library Writer's Workshop by Stephen Koch (this is more for after I graduate but I'll peek now!), The Stranger by Albert Camus (this one is a reread), Waiting for the Barbarians by J.M. Coetzee, and (probably after I graduate) On Such a Full Sea by Chang-rae Lee.  I cannot begin to describe how excited I was to get the latest package from Amazon.  I had just ordered the Coetzee, Brooks, and Koch books and knew they would be arriving any day.  They arrived yesterday while I was getting ready for my shower.  I heard the door knock and so I cautiously, nakedly made my way through the hall to peer out though the spy-hole into the stairwell area.  No one was there.  I knew right away it must be a UPS drop off.  So I opened the door and extended a naked arm, as well as one renegade boob, out into the world (because stopping to put clothes on was NOT an option!) and snatched the box quickly into the safety of my home and bosom.

Today's Blog Lesson: Reading is good for you.  Masturbation is good for you.  Any questions?

For Wiccan Spirituality homework: We were given two articles to read and some exercises to try. I've already read the first article and loved it!  Other parts of homework were to interact with and get to know water as an inspirational and life-giving thing, as well as research the second chakra which is the chakra most associated with this element.  Well I found some great sites (Chakra Center, Chakra Anatomy, and Kundalini Yoga Meditation) that offer similar yet valuable information on the second chakra which is known in Sanskit as the Svadhishthana "one's own base."  The thing about the second chakra is that it focuses not on pragmatism but on 'feeling' and creativity. It is, I suppose, the human condition chakra. This is the stem of our feelings and emotions and our sexual drives and desires. It can become clogged and blocked and interrupted which usually leads to a damming of our creativity or an unhealthy obsession with sex in its shallowest of forms.  

Pleasure is good, touching is good, coming together as humans or even exploring one's own self is good. But not at the expense of enjoying the rest of what life has to offer. When this chakra is in good working order, a person's creativity blooms, they feel strong in their sexual identity, they enjoy the release that emotions and sensations have to offer, and they do not fight against their feelings. For women, especially, this is a creative center as it lies within the womb area of our bodies. Even if a woman chooses not to, or has no occasion to, have a child, her uterus is one of the most creative places inside of her. It is in a state of change and hormonal cycling, always growing and losing and starting over again. Painful periods and trouble menstruating may cause blockage in the second chakra and, some believe, blockage in the second chakra can cause painful periods and trouble menstruating. I think this last bit is incredibly interesting. We know that emotions bring on physiological reactions in a person (anger causes tension, adrenaline; grief brings tears, tightness of chest, pain, aches, soreness, etc.) so who's to say how much of our period pain comes from oxygen deprived muscle tissue and how much of it stems from improperly balanced second chakra? Something to think about anyway.

My Own Private North - and the Jobs Don't Bite

Today Hannah and I went to spend time with a coworker of mine.  We finished up American Horror Story: Freakshow and ate tacos.  I have to say that after finishing up that insane train ride, I don't think my Death Man novel is nearly as fucked up as my fellow Solstice peeps think it is!  I suppose I'll just have to take Sterling's advice and make it much worse and much hotter.  I told my coworker about the 'make it worse; make it hot' mantra.  I still hold that phrase very near and dear to my heart. 

Recently I watched the movie 'The Interview.'  Many of the jokes in the movie seem too far fetched to come from truth (the idea that the Supreme Leader is so much like a god that he doesn't even go to the bathroom), but last night I watched the Frontline Documentary on North Korea which was filmed two years ago... and even the most bizarre aspects of 'The Interview' were actually based in truth.  In fact, 'The Interview' was pretty fucking accurate. 

When watching all of these things about North Korea, I realized that my little dystopian city is actually quite like a microcosm of this country.  That my Luminary is the Supreme Leader and that he really does have god status among the elite and the serving class.  People fear him instead of love him, but they act like they love him because their fear what will happen if they don't.  In North Korea, people are executed for watching foreign movies and television (these things are regularly smuggled in by defectors and others).  It's frightening to me that my novel, which I intended as a model of Sharia Law and Christian Fundamentalism, is actually a modern day portrait of North Korea.  All dictatorships have common threads, of course, and so it's not surprising the my dystopian mimics NK - it's surprising that it perfectly mirrors it!  This has made some things very simple for me as I find I truly have a perfect model for the awful society I am writing about - albeit on much smaller scale.

Apart from inundating myself with North Korea, and sketching and re-sketching maps for Le Nord (North City), and creating a timeline of how North City came into being and who ruled when and how - I've also been filling out job application after job application. So far I've had several email responses saying thanks but no thanks, but no bites.  A little bit ago I filled out the application to get into the Spokane Housing Authority lottery - I'm pretty desperate at this point.  We need things to happen, we need a life of our own again.  I'm doing what I can, but we're pretty financially drained at this point and pretty much out of options until I can finally snag another job.

Also, about four more bills from Kootenai Hospital have rolled in. I'm looking at upwards of $7,000 now - which is more than I make in a year.  As soon as my W-2 gets in I will go to the business office and have a nice long chat - also I'll refill out the FAFSA, and get my taxes done, too.  I'm hoping for a decent return and should manage one unless something's different from last year.  So we'll see.  Life is hard, as per usual.  But just like the cat dangling from a tree limb on the famous inspiration poster, I'm going to just 'keep hanging on.'