On the eve of my last Boston adventure...

Well, it may not be my last Boston adventure. But it is the last one in this capacity, as a grad student attending Pine Manor College. I still have a few things to work on. I'm having the panic. Lots of the panic. Not as badly as I have in times past, but I'm definitely stressed and nervous and fretting. Tonight I'm over at my neighbor's house talking with her and Hannah about the section of my novel which I will be reading at the graduate reading. While there are many sections I really enjoy, I think the part where Matthias wins the 'tooth' game at the Arena is probably going to be the one I go with. I need to write a small introduction to the piece and then practice it a few times for pacing. When E graduated I listened to her during her practice run and I'm sure she will do the same for me. 

I'm worried about E. She just went through a really upsetting breakup and I hope that I can be a positive and wholesome distraction for her while I'm there. I'm also worried about the hotel costs and the costs of everything in general. I will have to sit down with her and chat when I get there. This education adventure has put me into mega debt which is okay because honestly it was worth it, but at the same time, financial stress is making me feel ill.

In other news I turned in my application to be part of the Pagan Ministry Council for the Inland Empire Pagan Guild. I think it was a pretty decent letter of interest if I do say so myself. I will know before I return whether or not I am accepted as a member of the council. Here's hoping that Hannah and I are approved.

My next post will be from Boston! I have a list of to-dos. I want to eat at Papa Gino's at least once, I want to do girly things with Eileen such as making our nails look fabulous for graduation, I need to get a shot glass of the Boston skyline for my coworker, and I want to do some tarot readings in the hotel room. I'm excited for the time at school as well as the time away from school. I am absolutely desperate to reconnect with many of my dear, dear Solstice Sisters and Brothers. Right now I feel like rambling and procrastinating and curling up in a ball and waving a white flag of surrender. Ugh. I want to go but I am also just done.

Creative Thesis is Done!

Tonight I sent in 130 pages in PDF format to be bound as my Creative Thesis. I cannot believe that I'm here. I truly cannot believe that I am graduating. This last semester was truly awful for me. I'm the reason it was awful. I let depression and insecurity following my illness in January, really destroy my drive and ambition. By the time I should have been editing a full manuscript I was still trying to compose and figure out the rest of the first part. So I figured I would NOT be graduating. I figured that I had wasted everyone's time. I'd wasted my mentor's time. Her energy and her effort. I'd wasted it all. But she didn't let me throw in the towel. In fact she got down right mean about it! Which is what I needed. Back when she first became my mentor I handed her over a metaphorical whip and said, go for it. Hit me with this whip until I feel it in the marrow of my bones. And in the end that's exactly what it took. I descended into the Great Below and was reborn. That might seem a pretty intense metaphor for graduating an MFA program, but that's exactly how it has felt. 

Tonight I'm turning in my end of semester evaluation. And then all I have left is to figure out the logistics and prepare for the residency classes. I'm frustrated because there's a new law in Massachusetts saying that all students have to have health insurance. Which wouldn't be such a big deal except that they want to charge me over $200 for the ten days I'm there in July. So I'm trying to figure out what to do about that, but aside from this little snafu I am just about ready. I have work tomorrow but then have a three day stretch. I'm going to get as much done for the residency as possible. I want to be able to relax in June when I go on the IEPG camping trip. After I get back from the residency I'm going to be applying for a new job. Also I'm going to bust my hump getting into a writing routine. Sandra has faith in me that I really can get published. And I'm starting to maybe have some faith in myself as well. Right now I feel like I have a world of possibilities opened up before me. So we'll just see what happens. In the mean time, I know for a fact that I am going to graduate and I'm letting this knowledge warm me up in a way I haven't felt in a long time.

Books, Books, and More Books!

Editing. That is what I have left for the intense part of the semester. Well and a little writing still. Which I'm going to work on a bit tonight. Basically I need to edit my annotated bibliography, my synopsis, and the last of the actual thesis. And then I'll be done with that part and can move onto the next bit which includes all the good stuff for the residency. I am excited for my class on dystopian world building and I'm really excited to get there and take some amazing classes with the people I've come to know and love. Also I have the best fucking ever wardrobe for this summer. I cannot wait to show it all off! My buddy, E, and I will be chic twins! 

I'm still incredibly sad that Hannah cannot go with me. I had hoped to make it work but financially it just isn't going to happen. But I am going to Skype with her a few times so I can at least introduce her to some of the people there. Especially M. I am very excited to see M. 

Something that's been taking up a great deal of my time lately has been reading. In the past week alone I've read four books. I can't believe it. I'm in a reading kick and I can't eat enough! Including a few more from the week before I've read:

1. The Sumerians by Elaine Landau - the book was a nice summary of the geography and social structure but severely biased by the author's Christian views.
2. Lugalbanda by Kathy Henderson - this was a gorgeous story with amazing illustrations and unlike the first book on the list, this one honored the ancient religion and culture that it detailed. Also this is a retelling of the oldest story ever written - over 4,000 years old!
3. Sexy by Joyce Carol Oates - YA done right. Heartbreaking in some places but in the end it covers everything that a young adult novel is supposed to - including a glimpse of hope.
4. Rape by Joyce Carol Oates - I adore the use of 2nd person POV in selected chapters and I was really surprised by the direction the novel took. And yet I wasn't surprised because Oates laid all the foundation work to guide me to the perfect and inevitable result. Very satisfying.
5. The Book of Lost Things by John Connolly - this book is a great example of bridging between YA and adult fiction. A sort of Narnia for the modern times. Loved the gay soldier.
6. We Were Liars by E. Lockhart - figured it out relatively quickly but that didn't diminish my enjoyment of the novel by any means. I adored the poetic flare of Lockhart's narration.
7. The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian - I was drawn to this book for two reasons: 1) it was banned and 2) it takes place on the Spokane Indian Reservation and Reardon, WA. I loved knowing the places that the narrator talks about and I also loved the cartoon snippets throughout the text. Great story filled with truths that only a diary style novel can get away with telling and lamenting. 
8. Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe - I really enjoyed this book. It can be a bit infuriating at times but the end makes everything so worth it. In fact, if I'm ever having a bad day and need a pick me up, I'll just read the last ten pages. So worth it. 

None of these books are very long, but even still, I finished them all at record speeds for me. I am usually a slow fuddy-duddy reader. Which is why I'm starting to realize that I'm just not meant for adult fiction. At least not meant for it primarily. I feel a draw toward YA and also when I read YA it not only feels right, but it helps me recall and analyze parts of my childhood that I had forgotten or hadn't really processed. In my heart I'm still about fifteen or sixteen and so these books speak strongly to me. No, I'm not still dealing with high school drama or trying to awkwardly figure out the opposite sex (or the same sex as the case may be) but people are people and they are their most beautiful when they are vulnerable. The coming of age stories in the YA I've been reading have all been marvelous. I definitely feel that my mentor and I made the correct choice in making Death Man much more YA than it had previously been. The next projects I am going to work on will also be YA. I just can't get enough of it! Even today at the library I picked up another YA novel. But I'm not going to let myself start it until I finish with all the editing that needs to be done.

So many books. So little time. I'm happy to have found my place. Which is really what YA is all about.

Final Stretch - I'm Gonna Graduate!

So I got the green light from the second reader - but on the condition that I fix the typos in the manuscript before I send it to my Mentor as the final packet and also before I send it to be bound. I'm experiencing a mixture of panic and relief. I want this to be perfect but, dear gods, I'm so freaking tired. Exhausted mentally and physically. I want a break but I don't want to dissolve into a puddle of goo and disappear either. I want to keep working on these projects and eventually write query letters and synopses and treatments and someday, just someday, get a damn book out there. I've been reading like a hungry creature lately (which hasn't helped me get my writing done but it's been very helpful in getting me into the YA mood). I read Sherman Alexie's 'The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian' and E, Lockhart's 'We Were Liars' and also Connolly's 'Book of Lost Things.' And some more Joyce Carol Oates obviously. Because as it turns out I'm a huge fan girl of hers. 

These books have been incredibly wonderful - even when they aren't necessarily pleasant. I have learned so much about pacing and dialogue (things that I was pretty decent with before but always, always, always striving to be better at) and I am excited to incorporate those things into the upcoming workshop pieces for the residency. So far the only things I have left to do: final comb through to fix typos for the Thesis, read a few things for residency, prepare workshop pieces and critique fellow pieces, rehearse my class a few times, and pack all the pretty dresses! Not too bad I suppose. Oh and I also have to register for classes, secure the hotel, finalize plans with my buddy, and send in evaluations. Okay so I still have a lot to do. But I'll get it done. I'm on the home stretch now! I can do it. I really, really can do it!

Student Anthology Submission for Your Enjoyment

This past semester, one of the students with my MFA program started an anthology project for all students and alumni to feature short pieces of work including excerpts, poems, flash fiction, and vignettes. Last time I submitted a short scene from my Dust Bowl novel and this time around I am sending in the beginning segment (almost a prologue I guess) to my creative thesis. I thought I would share it here just for fun and because my mentor, who hates prologues, absolutely loved.

The Lesson

Excerpt from The Death Man

By Amanda LaFantasie

“Isn’t one blade enough. Why do we need three?” he asked.

“The same reason a painter needs more than one brush.” The Death Man ran his finger down along the smooth and perfectly chiseled blood groove of the executioner’s sword. “It all depends on your goal. If you just want to kill a man, you use the ax. If you want to dismember him and decorate the stage with his blood, then you use the machete. But if you want to deliver the kiss of death, you swing this sword through his neck and you give him peace.” He lifted the sword, holding it horizontally before the boy.

Beyond the old man’s window the sky was red with a summer sunset and it cast a crimson hue upon the blade, making it look as if it had drawn blood from the air itself.

“The tip’s broken,” the boy said.

“It’s not broken. It was made this way. Blunt and smooth. This sword was never meant for stabbing. It is a work of art. Light enough to wield with grace yet heavy enough to part skin, muscle, and bone with a single flick of the wrist. And it’s sharp. Hold out your arm.”

The boy did as asked. He knew his mentor would cut him, but all fear of pain had been beaten out of him long ago. Sucking in a breath, almost excited by the promise of blood, he waited. His mentor pressed the blade to his flesh and gave a quick slice. The boy felt nothing.

In silence he examined his arm. His eyebrows drew tight in confusion. There didn’t seem to be a cut.

“Wait for it,” said the Death Man.

A moment passed. As if by magic, a thin beaded line of blood appeared and with it came the first touch of pain, a hot concentrated sting. The boy watched in fascination as the beads grew fat and spilled out from the cut leaving red tributaries on his skin. It was deep, much deeper than he’d first thought. He put his hand on the wound, but it did little to stop the blood from squeezing out and dripping all over his mentor’s floor. But the Death Man didn’t seem to care. About anything.

“Take a man’s head with this blade and he will not suffer. It is a blade reserved only for those who deserve a painless death.”

“And who deserves a painless death?” The boy couldn’t take his eyes off the sword.

“Everyone,” the Death Man replied, and in the same breath he amended, “no one.” He returned the sword to its sheath and set it back on the stand. “Only the beloved of the Luminary are granted such a death.”

“But if they are his beloved then why kill them?” The boy knew he shouldn’t ask so many questions but his mentor was the only person he’d met in a long time who was so willing to answer.

            “Sometimes we have to kill the ones we love.” He pulled a wad of gauze from his medicine bag. “Wrap up your arm. The lesson’s just begun.”

A.D.D. and a blog that's all over the place!

Life has been incredibly complicated lately. In March, Hannah, F, and I went to Seattle to drive F to a wedding.  We visited my aunt and cousins, went out to Whidbey Island, visited the Tsubaki Grand Shrine in Granite Falls, and had a wonderful time. When we got home, however, we took our sweet baby Galen to be put down at the emergency vet's clinic. His bronchitis had turned into something much worse and he was fighting for breath. It was one of the hardest things I've ever been through. Until that night, I'd never been present for the final moments of any of my fur-babies. Somehow I'd always been away (school trips, college, too young to go in, etc.), but with Galen I was not only in the room, I was the one holding him. We said our goodbyes and he went limp in my arms. We were a mess.

After that life picked up again for a while. I fell ever more behind on my novel - working and working on parts of it and nit-picking so slowly that I thought I would never get a full draft done in time for the second reader. But in the end, I did. I took four days off from work and spent every single waking moment sitting (on the couch, on the toilet, at the library, at the table, on the bed, in the living room, at the desk) and writing. I became physically ill and perhaps mentally ill as well. Between writing bouts I would tromp around that apartment like a gorilla or laugh maniacally and alternate between screams of "I can do it!" and "I'm going to diiiiiieeeeee!" I didn't expect to finish but I did. Just barely though, I finished shitting out the final part of a major chapter at about a quarter to noon on Saturday and then ran to Fed-Ex to catch the overnight pick up by 1:15. I printed everything out, snapped it together and sent it on its way for about fifty bucks. A hefty price but if I manage to graduate then its a price I'm willing to pay. 

After that I went to work. My boss has been a negative Nancy since our previous Assistant Manager retired. The new ASM is a nice person and I like her but I don't know if she's the perfect fit for the group of girls who work here. When it's just her and me working it's great, but some of the other girls have issues and on some days it feels like we're in middle school again. And I hated middle school. I desperately need a different job but now that it seems I shall be graduating (and please, I still need everyone's prayers and positive energies on that front), I will stop looking for the moment and focus on looking after I return from Boston in July with my MFA! It should be easier to get a decent job after that but we'll see.

In other news, I just got the class list for the MFA residency and I'm very excited. I'm going to start reading the required pieces tomorrow. Now I just have to update my bibliography, get a decent synopsis written by the first of May, and have a revised and *finalized* draft sent to Sandra by the fifteenth and I'll be looking pretty good. Then I have to detail out what I'm doing for my class - I think I shall take lots of notes while at work this next week or two - and get my workshop pieces written and ready. And then I shall take a huge breath. Also I'm going to write down every single date that I need off from work in the next two months because I'm tired of missing rituals and celebrations. I am going to miss the IEPG celebration Beltane this Saturday and I sort of want to do something fun on my own, but what I'll probably end up doing is just going to Hastings after work to participate in free comic day. Not quite the welcome to fertile summer that I had hoped for. 

Other, other news: Hannah and I will be adopting my aunt's cat, Ray. He's an older kitty (I think he's about 8 years old) and she wants to re-home him. I understand her reasons and I've told her in the past that I adore the kitty and if she needed to place him somewhere that Hannah and I would take him in a heartbeat. Well, she has agreed to send him our way. I just hope Narcisa can handle a new big brother. He's a gray short-haired complete lover boy and I cannot wait to welcome him into the family. I would like to have a welcoming ritual for him as well as a remembrance ritual for the boys (our sweet babies Yoda and Galen). The kitties are a huge part of our lives, emotionally and spiritually, and I want to express that in a divine way. 

That's all for now. Blessed be and good night. I took today off to just relax and rest and tomorrow begins the next chapter of a very stressful novel called 'my life.' 

Oh also, F and a few friends of our with the IEPG think I need to get checked out for Adult A.D.D. I've always had attention and focus problems but they seem to have escalated to a very destructive level lately. It may be that I just need to adjust my anxiety and depression medication but something definitely needs to be done. 

And in other, other, other news, my poor father is suffering from the same type of infection that I had in January. It seems he and I are cellulitis twins. Lovely. His infection is in his leg which really sucks but at least he isn't having to go to the hospital every twelve hours for IV antibiotics. I do have some good news about all - I sent in all the paperwork to see if our county's social services could help me out some with the bill and they not only helped, they wrote off the entire thing. All nine invoices are now balanced at zero. When I got the letter in the mail I nearly cried I was so happy. Maybe things can keep looking up. Dad is going to get better very soon, mom is going to get a new job this fall, and I'm going to graduate and so will Hannah! These things will happen. I have to believe it.

Slow Going, Sick Galen, and Mermaids

These last couple of weeks have been a headache.  I've been applying off and on for about every job I am "qualified" for, been working every weekend at the bra shop as I am the only CA who can work over a five hour shift at the moment, and been spending 4-6 hours every day working on my novel.  I'm exhausted.  The novel work has been intensive and rewarding but so very slow going.  As I read the YA craft book by Regina L. Brooks, I realized that what I had done wrong from the beginning was to start this story without a clear idea of the setting.  The physical setting has developed and evolved over the past year and now that I have it set in stone (with some flexibility as nothing is ever truly set in novel writing) I've had to restart, rewrite, redraft, and revise.  I learned from this mistake and am going to flush out setting prior to drafting the next time I tackle a novel project. So anyway, it's been slow, slow, slow going.  I am not going to have my full amount of pages for the upcoming packet.  I feel bad. 

After being ill and after revising everything and creating a new outlook on the story and plot, I had a hell of a time getting back into the habit of writing everyday.  I'm back!  I've been practically living at the library and Starbucks is my Patron. (By the way, the Caramel Flan Latte is pretty fucking amazing!) This Monday I am going to spend the whole day at the Library again.  Basically I'm hoping to have thirty good pages for my mentor and then send her another thirty as soon as they are ready. If I have to go in chunks of thirty then so be it.  I just want to keep making progress. She's really excited for this novel to come together and so am I. At work today I talked to the new ASM about which characters live and which ones die and her excitement about the relationships between the characters got me very excited. She told me she would love to see my ideas translated on screen. She hasn't read the material but just hearing her say that was very encouraging today.

Galen, our mini-panther, has bronchitis and is taking antibiotics and steroids twice a day. Consequently, my fingers have become pin cushions. Sometimes he takes the pills well and sometimes he chomps down on my fingers like a wild beast! I really hope he shapes up soon. We lost Yoda a little less than a year ago and we're not ready to go through that again. 

For the past few nights, Hannah and I have been reading about mermaids. We rented a book from the library and each night I read a chapter or two aloud as we cuddle in bed getting ready to go to sleep. I learned about the mermaid fakes. Did you know that mermaid (and sea monster creation) fakes were so popular that the fakes themselves have a name? They are called Jenny Hanivers. I immediately felt compelled to someday write a mermaid tale and include a Jenny character who might have a friend named Haniver. The origin of the name is from the French for girls from Antwerp. We've actually learned quite a bit from the mermaid book so far. Tonight we'll finish it and tomorrow we're going to start a kids book about Chinese Folktales called Auntie Tigress.  

Sir Simon, Who Knew?

Knight of Swords

Lift me up, spirits of sky.

Grant me keen sight of Hawk,

swiftness of Sparrow.

Grant me insight of Raven,

brave heartbeat of Hummingbird.

Bear me up with grace on wings of Swan,

guide me with visions of wisdom from Owl.

I had a couple of questions about my character Simon tonight.  I decided to ask my Tarot.  The Shadowscapes Tarot by Pui-Mun Law and Barbara Moore has been a wonderful deck to inspire me for Death Man.  The Two of Swords is Matthias all the way: the stale-mate crossroads, crossed swords, indecision and dread at the outcome of finally making a decision - all of that fits Matthias thematically but also physically.  Matthias is a tall, brooding figure, cloaked as per his profession.  He is mostly cast in mystery and all of that, to me, is perfect for him.  I've always felt this card was Matthias.  Now as for Simon - I've seen him more as the Seven or Nine of Swords.  Both these cards picture younger, lithe male forms riddled with guilt, regret, fear, and even (as in the case of the Seven) willful deception, shirking of responsibility, and a grave mistrust in others.  Yeah, Simon's not a real confident fellow.  

But tonight when I drew for him asking 'why does he want to upset the establishment, what makes him take the step that puts him in the middle of things?' I drew the Knight of Swords.  The Knight is confident and self assured and sharp of wit and weapon.  When I look at this card and think of Simon I see a young man who is smart and who has suffered for that intelligence and who is through with suffering.  He is on his way to create change, who can no longer hide behind assumed ignorance.  I see someone who loves fiercely, who turns sadness into action.  I see Simon.

Two Kinds of Homework, or Books and Svadhishthana

For my MFA homework: I'm writing out the origins of my fucked up little city as well as finally giving myself permission to attack this novel as a YA vehicle. My mentor, while always being positive and encouraging, always takes time to give me excellent reading suggestions so that we are both on the same foot as far as concepts and things to try. A few books she suggested that I really enjoyed are St. Lucy's Home for Girls Raised by Wolves by Karen Russell, Disgrace by J.M. Coetzee, The House on Mango Street by Sandra Cisneros, and Structuring Your Novel by Robert C. Meredith.  Earlier today I updated by accumulative bibliography (I use Easy Bib online and I love it! So simple!) and added all of my entries together. I have reached the desired goal of 80 entries including, research articles, novels, books of poetry, graphic novels, selected chapters for critical study and lecture classes. 

Everything I read now is icing on the cake and, as per my mentors suggestions once again, I'm excited get to work reading Writing Great Books for Young Adults by Regina Brooks, The Modern Library Writer's Workshop by Stephen Koch (this is more for after I graduate but I'll peek now!), The Stranger by Albert Camus (this one is a reread), Waiting for the Barbarians by J.M. Coetzee, and (probably after I graduate) On Such a Full Sea by Chang-rae Lee.  I cannot begin to describe how excited I was to get the latest package from Amazon.  I had just ordered the Coetzee, Brooks, and Koch books and knew they would be arriving any day.  They arrived yesterday while I was getting ready for my shower.  I heard the door knock and so I cautiously, nakedly made my way through the hall to peer out though the spy-hole into the stairwell area.  No one was there.  I knew right away it must be a UPS drop off.  So I opened the door and extended a naked arm, as well as one renegade boob, out into the world (because stopping to put clothes on was NOT an option!) and snatched the box quickly into the safety of my home and bosom.

Today's Blog Lesson: Reading is good for you.  Masturbation is good for you.  Any questions?

For Wiccan Spirituality homework: We were given two articles to read and some exercises to try. I've already read the first article and loved it!  Other parts of homework were to interact with and get to know water as an inspirational and life-giving thing, as well as research the second chakra which is the chakra most associated with this element.  Well I found some great sites (Chakra Center, Chakra Anatomy, and Kundalini Yoga Meditation) that offer similar yet valuable information on the second chakra which is known in Sanskit as the Svadhishthana "one's own base."  The thing about the second chakra is that it focuses not on pragmatism but on 'feeling' and creativity. It is, I suppose, the human condition chakra. This is the stem of our feelings and emotions and our sexual drives and desires. It can become clogged and blocked and interrupted which usually leads to a damming of our creativity or an unhealthy obsession with sex in its shallowest of forms.  

Pleasure is good, touching is good, coming together as humans or even exploring one's own self is good. But not at the expense of enjoying the rest of what life has to offer. When this chakra is in good working order, a person's creativity blooms, they feel strong in their sexual identity, they enjoy the release that emotions and sensations have to offer, and they do not fight against their feelings. For women, especially, this is a creative center as it lies within the womb area of our bodies. Even if a woman chooses not to, or has no occasion to, have a child, her uterus is one of the most creative places inside of her. It is in a state of change and hormonal cycling, always growing and losing and starting over again. Painful periods and trouble menstruating may cause blockage in the second chakra and, some believe, blockage in the second chakra can cause painful periods and trouble menstruating. I think this last bit is incredibly interesting. We know that emotions bring on physiological reactions in a person (anger causes tension, adrenaline; grief brings tears, tightness of chest, pain, aches, soreness, etc.) so who's to say how much of our period pain comes from oxygen deprived muscle tissue and how much of it stems from improperly balanced second chakra? Something to think about anyway.

My Own Private North - and the Jobs Don't Bite

Today Hannah and I went to spend time with a coworker of mine.  We finished up American Horror Story: Freakshow and ate tacos.  I have to say that after finishing up that insane train ride, I don't think my Death Man novel is nearly as fucked up as my fellow Solstice peeps think it is!  I suppose I'll just have to take Sterling's advice and make it much worse and much hotter.  I told my coworker about the 'make it worse; make it hot' mantra.  I still hold that phrase very near and dear to my heart. 

Recently I watched the movie 'The Interview.'  Many of the jokes in the movie seem too far fetched to come from truth (the idea that the Supreme Leader is so much like a god that he doesn't even go to the bathroom), but last night I watched the Frontline Documentary on North Korea which was filmed two years ago... and even the most bizarre aspects of 'The Interview' were actually based in truth.  In fact, 'The Interview' was pretty fucking accurate. 

When watching all of these things about North Korea, I realized that my little dystopian city is actually quite like a microcosm of this country.  That my Luminary is the Supreme Leader and that he really does have god status among the elite and the serving class.  People fear him instead of love him, but they act like they love him because their fear what will happen if they don't.  In North Korea, people are executed for watching foreign movies and television (these things are regularly smuggled in by defectors and others).  It's frightening to me that my novel, which I intended as a model of Sharia Law and Christian Fundamentalism, is actually a modern day portrait of North Korea.  All dictatorships have common threads, of course, and so it's not surprising the my dystopian mimics NK - it's surprising that it perfectly mirrors it!  This has made some things very simple for me as I find I truly have a perfect model for the awful society I am writing about - albeit on much smaller scale.

Apart from inundating myself with North Korea, and sketching and re-sketching maps for Le Nord (North City), and creating a timeline of how North City came into being and who ruled when and how - I've also been filling out job application after job application. So far I've had several email responses saying thanks but no thanks, but no bites.  A little bit ago I filled out the application to get into the Spokane Housing Authority lottery - I'm pretty desperate at this point.  We need things to happen, we need a life of our own again.  I'm doing what I can, but we're pretty financially drained at this point and pretty much out of options until I can finally snag another job.

Also, about four more bills from Kootenai Hospital have rolled in. I'm looking at upwards of $7,000 now - which is more than I make in a year.  As soon as my W-2 gets in I will go to the business office and have a nice long chat - also I'll refill out the FAFSA, and get my taxes done, too.  I'm hoping for a decent return and should manage one unless something's different from last year.  So we'll see.  Life is hard, as per usual.  But just like the cat dangling from a tree limb on the famous inspiration poster, I'm going to just 'keep hanging on.'

Bills, Maps, and the Lessons of Water

I got the bill finally from the whole hospital fiasco.  As it stands I'm over $5,000 in debt to Kootenai Health.  Next step is to go in and get the debt settled as much as possible.  In other news, I've been applying like mad for some other job.  It's so frustrating because I do really enjoy my job and I really love some of the people I work with.  But I can't survive on nothing and that's pretty much what this job pays.  It's a blessing that I'm still getting the pay increase for now but soon that'll be gone just like my hours are pretty much gone and then I'll really be up shit creek.  

In other, other news: I drew a map for my dystopian novel and I'm really quite proud of it.  I am either going to use colored pencils or watercolor to give it some life but I think I want to make a copy/scan of it first just in case I totally ruin it in the effort of trying to make it pretty.  Like the image below.

Last night was the Spirituality Circle in Spokane.  We talked about the element of water and it was really interesting and got my creative juices flowing quite a bit.  I have a great many things I want to do so that I can incorporate water into my daily ritual for health in body and spirits. 

Talking about water at the Circle brought up some really cool memories for me.  Cool and humbling I should say.  When I first went to Germany to volunteer for the Girl Scouts Overseas, I learned to canoe down the Main River (pronounced like 'mine').  Starunner, Eeek, and I (my camp name was/is Quetzal) all joined forces as team Colorado during the test run down the river.  We boasted of our natural talents having come from the land of white water and how we were going to show our prowess as Canoe Queens.  Well, of course, Team Colorado tipped right on over into the river.  We were the only ones who tipped in fact.  A small lesson in humility. 

Another memory where water kicked this Virgo's ass was when I worked at another summer camp, this one was in Post Falls.  Hannah and I went to work for a summer camp program as one-on-one aides for young adults with specialized needs.  I worked with one young individual who was non-verbal, a bit prone to violence, and a complete water hater.  Well... one of the outings found us all at a lake.  There was canoeing.  So of course I wanted to get out there and play!  I spent about half an hour convincing my client that I wouldn't let him get wet, that I was a professional at this.  And finally he let me lead him to the dock and then carefully down into the canoe.  He was doing well.  But then I stepped down into the rocking boat and it was all overboard from there.  I found myself standing almost knee deep in lake muck with a six foot teenager clinging to me for dear life much like a cat when faced with a bath.  He was not happy.  Hannah's clients however found it hilarious.  I was actually really proud of my client that day - he didn't freak out on me or get violent, he just stared at me with sad puppy eyes while I got him out of the lake and got him cleaned up.  

Sour Grapes and New Goals

So, now that we are really getting into the first month of 2015, I feel it's good to stop and reflect on how I 'do not' want the rest of the year to go.  So far I've been to the ER nine times, been called in for an interview with TSA only to be told I 'failed the interview portion of the airport assessment,' and I've had some serious monetary struggles due to missing work for my health.  From here, things can only go up.

I've adopted sour grapes as my motto for the first part of the year: I had been really upset at the situations preventing me from going to the MFA residency at the start of January but now it seems that providence was on my side.  I probably would have had to go to the ER in Boston and that wouldn't have been good for anyone, ergo, it's better that I ended up with the extended semester.  And it's good that I did not get the TSA job (even though the money and the benefits would have been amazing!) because I am not a robot in my work and I enjoy interacting with people more than stiffly shucking them through a line and I would have ultimately despised my job.  So back to the job hunt and better luck next time.

I have so many hopes and dreams for this year.  Instead of listing 'resolutions' I'm going to make a list of my overall goals for 2015 and they are pretty straightforward and, I think, very achievable. My Goals are as follows: finish my Creative Thesis and Graduate from Pine Manor College, get a better paying job, use better paying job to get an apartment for Hannah and I, move to Spokane, volunteer with the Spiral Scouts and the IEPG, enjoy and celebrate a dear friend's fall wedding, and begin preparations for a Handfasting/Wedding ceremony for Hannah and myself which is most likely going to happen in the spring or fall or 2016 or 2017.  I think all of these things are within my ability to accomplish.  

As far as smaller, daily goals that I want to start putting into practice: daily meditation and daily lesson, daily writing, and a rekindled effort toward better health through exercise and positive food choices.  Something else I want to start doing again is drawing.  I miss the connection of hand to paper, also my friend gave me a finger drawing table from Wacom and I think that actually might be something to start playing around with, too.

Key, Refund, Chronology

A couple of quick updates.  First of all, on the work front, I've applied for a few positions but I don't think I'm qualified enough to even get interviews.  However, at the bra store, I am now a key carrier.  This is only a temporary position.  It would have been a permanent promotion if the current Third Key had been allowed to take the assistant manager spot, but she was denied.  So she will go on being Third Key and I will help as a temp key carrier until such time as my boss hires a full-time assistant manager.  Long story short, I get a bit of a raise and some great experience to put down on my resume.  It's pretty much win-win, too, because now when I leave I won't feel like I'm leaving them high and dry without a third key since they will still have one.

As far as the computer goes, I am pretty much at the end of my rope and I think that the people at Vizio have realized this.  After being promised a computer at the beginning of this month and still finding myself without, I told them today I just want a refund.  I would rather go and buy an Acer honestly.  Or anything other than another product from this company.  I don't want anything to do with Vizio, which is sad, because there was a time I really loved their products.  But this experience with customer service has soured me so thoroughly that I'm just done.  If they do actually send me my full refund I will march my happy ass out to Best Buy or Walmart or Office Depot or one of those and get me a decent computer for typing.  That is all I want.  I don't even care about Windows 8 anymore since 8.1 is much more user friendly in my book.  So maybe I'll be lucky and snag a great Black Friday deal for a new lappy.  But that all depends, of course, on whether or not I ever actually see my refund.  And I'm not counting any chicks before their hatched at this point.

Last update is that I have four things to finish up as soon as possible for my mentor: a contact (done), a page about the world including my premise (mostly done), a summary (done as soon as I figure out how the hell this thing is going to end), and a fully fleshed out chapter-by-chapter treatment/outline of the entire novel (started).  I have been meditating on this novel pretty much nonstop.  I'm not worried about the actual writing.  I know that I have wonderful friends who will help me iron out any rough spots that develop along the way.  My biggest problem right now is ending it.  I have a solid concept for the first part.  But the second is a different beast altogether.  What I would like to do is structure it this way: present stuff - past stuff - present stuff.  Which is one narrative structure that I do enjoy.  Another way I suppose is to employ switchback time with each of the protagonists - but that gets tricky and starts to look like a bunch of gratuitous flashbacks.  I don't know.  I really don't know.  My mentor wants it all laid out chronologically and that's fine... but I don't know if this is a chronological story.  Moving on, I've also decided that I want to try and write a query letter for the novel once I figure out the summary.  Hannah had to do this recently for a class and I thought she did a really terrific job!  I was inspired, thus, I now want to write one and see what my mentor thinks of it.

Nano update - I have 0 words according to the site.  I have several words according to what I've been doing but until I get some feedback on the full novel, I am not writing any scenes.  I want to have a path before I set up camp and live in it.  I have plenty of time now and I want this to be a good story.  My problem right now, I think, is that I'm over thinking it.  I'm making it increasingly more complicated with every step but even as I sit here writing this I think I have an idea for how to wrap it all up.  We'll see.  Wish me luck!