Final Stretch - I'm Gonna Graduate!

So I got the green light from the second reader - but on the condition that I fix the typos in the manuscript before I send it to my Mentor as the final packet and also before I send it to be bound. I'm experiencing a mixture of panic and relief. I want this to be perfect but, dear gods, I'm so freaking tired. Exhausted mentally and physically. I want a break but I don't want to dissolve into a puddle of goo and disappear either. I want to keep working on these projects and eventually write query letters and synopses and treatments and someday, just someday, get a damn book out there. I've been reading like a hungry creature lately (which hasn't helped me get my writing done but it's been very helpful in getting me into the YA mood). I read Sherman Alexie's 'The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian' and E, Lockhart's 'We Were Liars' and also Connolly's 'Book of Lost Things.' And some more Joyce Carol Oates obviously. Because as it turns out I'm a huge fan girl of hers. 

These books have been incredibly wonderful - even when they aren't necessarily pleasant. I have learned so much about pacing and dialogue (things that I was pretty decent with before but always, always, always striving to be better at) and I am excited to incorporate those things into the upcoming workshop pieces for the residency. So far the only things I have left to do: final comb through to fix typos for the Thesis, read a few things for residency, prepare workshop pieces and critique fellow pieces, rehearse my class a few times, and pack all the pretty dresses! Not too bad I suppose. Oh and I also have to register for classes, secure the hotel, finalize plans with my buddy, and send in evaluations. Okay so I still have a lot to do. But I'll get it done. I'm on the home stretch now! I can do it. I really, really can do it!

After a few beers I become emotional...

Maybe just a little bit drunk. Been reading tons lately. I really, really love young adult fiction. I love the pacing, the adventure, the dialogue. All of it. I think I made a mistake not going into YA during my time at Solstice, but if I had done that I might not have met the absolutely amazing fiction writers that I now consider to be my closest of family. I might not have had the mentors I had and would not be writing as I am now (which I do deem to be better than before I joined the program two years ago). I would have still met amazing people and been blessed by their friendship but I feel this was just meant to be in some way. After all, I am the worst horse, (as in the Buddhist proverb worst horse) and I need to do things the hard way, I need to suffer through it, and I need to feel the force of my master's whip through to the marrow of my bones. That way I can know I've truly grown.

Lately I've been reading about Goddesses. I want to find one that I resonate with. I'm on the hunt. I thought it might be Inanna and I'm going to continue my research into her but I am quite taken with the absolute gorgeous compassion of Kuan Yin. She is so selfless and kind - a true goddess to appeal to. Hannah has a Kuan Yin pendant and one time a person tried to tell her it was Buddha. It wasn't. It isn't. It's Kuan Yin. She was a Buddhist nun who turned goddess after she gave her arms and eyes to make her asshole father better from a disease. She grew a thousand arms and a thousand eyes to replace the ones she lost and then became an immortal and perfect presence. I know that the archetypes behind gods and goddesses stem from human traits but Kuan Yin seemed to be better than most humans. Her only hubris was 'disobeying' her father when he gave her unreasonable orders. What a wonderful and kind entity. I need to learn more and more, but for now I'm taking heart in the knowledge that compassion has a name and that is Kuan Yin. 

Student Anthology Submission for Your Enjoyment

This past semester, one of the students with my MFA program started an anthology project for all students and alumni to feature short pieces of work including excerpts, poems, flash fiction, and vignettes. Last time I submitted a short scene from my Dust Bowl novel and this time around I am sending in the beginning segment (almost a prologue I guess) to my creative thesis. I thought I would share it here just for fun and because my mentor, who hates prologues, absolutely loved.

The Lesson

Excerpt from The Death Man

By Amanda LaFantasie

“Isn’t one blade enough. Why do we need three?” he asked.

“The same reason a painter needs more than one brush.” The Death Man ran his finger down along the smooth and perfectly chiseled blood groove of the executioner’s sword. “It all depends on your goal. If you just want to kill a man, you use the ax. If you want to dismember him and decorate the stage with his blood, then you use the machete. But if you want to deliver the kiss of death, you swing this sword through his neck and you give him peace.” He lifted the sword, holding it horizontally before the boy.

Beyond the old man’s window the sky was red with a summer sunset and it cast a crimson hue upon the blade, making it look as if it had drawn blood from the air itself.

“The tip’s broken,” the boy said.

“It’s not broken. It was made this way. Blunt and smooth. This sword was never meant for stabbing. It is a work of art. Light enough to wield with grace yet heavy enough to part skin, muscle, and bone with a single flick of the wrist. And it’s sharp. Hold out your arm.”

The boy did as asked. He knew his mentor would cut him, but all fear of pain had been beaten out of him long ago. Sucking in a breath, almost excited by the promise of blood, he waited. His mentor pressed the blade to his flesh and gave a quick slice. The boy felt nothing.

In silence he examined his arm. His eyebrows drew tight in confusion. There didn’t seem to be a cut.

“Wait for it,” said the Death Man.

A moment passed. As if by magic, a thin beaded line of blood appeared and with it came the first touch of pain, a hot concentrated sting. The boy watched in fascination as the beads grew fat and spilled out from the cut leaving red tributaries on his skin. It was deep, much deeper than he’d first thought. He put his hand on the wound, but it did little to stop the blood from squeezing out and dripping all over his mentor’s floor. But the Death Man didn’t seem to care. About anything.

“Take a man’s head with this blade and he will not suffer. It is a blade reserved only for those who deserve a painless death.”

“And who deserves a painless death?” The boy couldn’t take his eyes off the sword.

“Everyone,” the Death Man replied, and in the same breath he amended, “no one.” He returned the sword to its sheath and set it back on the stand. “Only the beloved of the Luminary are granted such a death.”

“But if they are his beloved then why kill them?” The boy knew he shouldn’t ask so many questions but his mentor was the only person he’d met in a long time who was so willing to answer.

            “Sometimes we have to kill the ones we love.” He pulled a wad of gauze from his medicine bag. “Wrap up your arm. The lesson’s just begun.”

Sumerian Goddesses and My Little Pony

In past blogs I've mentioned the Mayans (and Aztecs and Incas) and also talked about my interest in Norse Goddesses such as Skadi and Hel. For a long time, ever since high school in fact, I've been incredibly interested in Sumerian culture and religion. Sumer was the cradle of life and civilization. I've seen a few movies that use 'Sumerian cults' and 'obscure Sumerian gods' as the antagonizing forces. It makes sense to capitalize on something so ancient and mysterious when trying to terrorize an audience but I've always felt there was more to it than that. I recently went on a light search to learn a little about Sumerian gods and goddesses and what I found was very exciting. Until I read and learn more I won't talk about the overall myths, but I do want to share a little about Inanna and Ereshkigal. 

Inanna, who is also known as Ishtar, is the goddess of love and war. She is the patron for children conceived in love and for those who die in battle. To me this feels beautifully familiar to Freyja who is the Norse goddess of pretty much the same thing. She appeals to me very strongly because of the immense scope of her patronage and also because of how revered she is still today by many people who study/revere the Sumerian Pantheon. There are many books on the subject, some of which I will be owning as soon as my life calms down and funds increase (or hell, if neither of those happens I will still be owning them soon): 

• The Sacred Sex Rites of Ishtar
• Inanna: From the Myths of Ancient Sumer 
• Inanna, Lady of the Largest Heart: Poems of the Sumerian High Priestess
• Inanna, Queen of Heaven and Earth: Her Stories and Hymns from Sumer 

Innana's sister, Ereshkigal, is the goddess who rules the underworld. I haven't researched her as much as Inanna, but I wonder if I'll find similarities between her and Norse's Hel. She is an interesting and provocative figure. There are a few books written about her as well and most of them delve into BDSM as part of devotion and worship. I've been curious about the sensual side of a BDSM spiritual path for a while now so it is little wonder why I'm so drawn to this Queen of the Great Below. 

The books that I'm interested in purchasing as a way to get to know her better are as follows: (the first book in the list deals with her specifically, the next three talk about merging BDSM and spirituality)

• Queen of the Great Below: An Anthology in Honor of Ereshkigal
• Sacred Kink: The Eightfold Paths of BDSM and Beyond
• Dark Moon Rising: Pagan BDSM and the Ordeal Path
• Sacred Pain: Hurting the Body for the Sake of the Soul

Many books that talk about both goddesses. Inanna and her sister, Ereshkigal, are bound together in the myth of Inanna's descent into the Great Below. I don't have a Norse correlation of hand, but the way these sisters compliment each other reminds me very much of My Little Pony's Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. Just as their names suggest, one is the pony Princess of day and the other is the Princess of night. During the IEPG campout this June I'm going to lead a 'My Little Pony' themed ritual to banish our nightmares to the moon. I will invoke the archetypal Princesses to join us and I can't help but think that Inanna and Ereshkigal will be there too, in spirit if not in name.

A.D.D. and a blog that's all over the place!

Life has been incredibly complicated lately. In March, Hannah, F, and I went to Seattle to drive F to a wedding.  We visited my aunt and cousins, went out to Whidbey Island, visited the Tsubaki Grand Shrine in Granite Falls, and had a wonderful time. When we got home, however, we took our sweet baby Galen to be put down at the emergency vet's clinic. His bronchitis had turned into something much worse and he was fighting for breath. It was one of the hardest things I've ever been through. Until that night, I'd never been present for the final moments of any of my fur-babies. Somehow I'd always been away (school trips, college, too young to go in, etc.), but with Galen I was not only in the room, I was the one holding him. We said our goodbyes and he went limp in my arms. We were a mess.

After that life picked up again for a while. I fell ever more behind on my novel - working and working on parts of it and nit-picking so slowly that I thought I would never get a full draft done in time for the second reader. But in the end, I did. I took four days off from work and spent every single waking moment sitting (on the couch, on the toilet, at the library, at the table, on the bed, in the living room, at the desk) and writing. I became physically ill and perhaps mentally ill as well. Between writing bouts I would tromp around that apartment like a gorilla or laugh maniacally and alternate between screams of "I can do it!" and "I'm going to diiiiiieeeeee!" I didn't expect to finish but I did. Just barely though, I finished shitting out the final part of a major chapter at about a quarter to noon on Saturday and then ran to Fed-Ex to catch the overnight pick up by 1:15. I printed everything out, snapped it together and sent it on its way for about fifty bucks. A hefty price but if I manage to graduate then its a price I'm willing to pay. 

After that I went to work. My boss has been a negative Nancy since our previous Assistant Manager retired. The new ASM is a nice person and I like her but I don't know if she's the perfect fit for the group of girls who work here. When it's just her and me working it's great, but some of the other girls have issues and on some days it feels like we're in middle school again. And I hated middle school. I desperately need a different job but now that it seems I shall be graduating (and please, I still need everyone's prayers and positive energies on that front), I will stop looking for the moment and focus on looking after I return from Boston in July with my MFA! It should be easier to get a decent job after that but we'll see.

In other news, I just got the class list for the MFA residency and I'm very excited. I'm going to start reading the required pieces tomorrow. Now I just have to update my bibliography, get a decent synopsis written by the first of May, and have a revised and *finalized* draft sent to Sandra by the fifteenth and I'll be looking pretty good. Then I have to detail out what I'm doing for my class - I think I shall take lots of notes while at work this next week or two - and get my workshop pieces written and ready. And then I shall take a huge breath. Also I'm going to write down every single date that I need off from work in the next two months because I'm tired of missing rituals and celebrations. I am going to miss the IEPG celebration Beltane this Saturday and I sort of want to do something fun on my own, but what I'll probably end up doing is just going to Hastings after work to participate in free comic day. Not quite the welcome to fertile summer that I had hoped for. 

Other, other news: Hannah and I will be adopting my aunt's cat, Ray. He's an older kitty (I think he's about 8 years old) and she wants to re-home him. I understand her reasons and I've told her in the past that I adore the kitty and if she needed to place him somewhere that Hannah and I would take him in a heartbeat. Well, she has agreed to send him our way. I just hope Narcisa can handle a new big brother. He's a gray short-haired complete lover boy and I cannot wait to welcome him into the family. I would like to have a welcoming ritual for him as well as a remembrance ritual for the boys (our sweet babies Yoda and Galen). The kitties are a huge part of our lives, emotionally and spiritually, and I want to express that in a divine way. 

That's all for now. Blessed be and good night. I took today off to just relax and rest and tomorrow begins the next chapter of a very stressful novel called 'my life.' 

Oh also, F and a few friends of our with the IEPG think I need to get checked out for Adult A.D.D. I've always had attention and focus problems but they seem to have escalated to a very destructive level lately. It may be that I just need to adjust my anxiety and depression medication but something definitely needs to be done. 

And in other, other, other news, my poor father is suffering from the same type of infection that I had in January. It seems he and I are cellulitis twins. Lovely. His infection is in his leg which really sucks but at least he isn't having to go to the hospital every twelve hours for IV antibiotics. I do have some good news about all - I sent in all the paperwork to see if our county's social services could help me out some with the bill and they not only helped, they wrote off the entire thing. All nine invoices are now balanced at zero. When I got the letter in the mail I nearly cried I was so happy. Maybe things can keep looking up. Dad is going to get better very soon, mom is going to get a new job this fall, and I'm going to graduate and so will Hannah! These things will happen. I have to believe it.